Chapter 34: Escaping my Twin Flame

Chapter 34: Escaping my Twin Flame 

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.  You will know them by their fruits.”–Matthew 7:15-20

Stuck in this house in the middle of nowhere, I became painfully aware just how precarious my situation was.  Trying to stay calm, I got out my Iphone to find a taxi service.  However, for some reason my thinking was fuzzy and I couldn’t seem to focus on calling the number.  I felt this strange sense of frozen panic, like in a nightmare…and my brain wasn’t working correctly.  Frantic at this point, I decided to knock on Tommy’s door to see if he could call me a taxi.  I just knew I needed to get out of that house so I could sleep. I had to sleep, or I felt I would lose my mind.

The spiritual warfare in the house had ramped up to the point of crisis, and I knew leaving was the only solution.  I chastised myself for even staying this long. There were so many warning signs… why had I let it get to this boiling point? 

Waking up Tommy was a last resort, but I was desperate.  He opened his bedroom door with a look of surprise and I immediately regretted asking for his help.  I apologized profusely and explained that I needed a taxi to take me to a motel.  I told him I just couldn’t handle another sleepless night, and the easiest thing to do was to find a room somewhere.  Tommy was initially very sympathetic, and he shifted into protective mode.  He told me that no taxis would be running this late, so he wanted to calm me down until morning so I could sleep a bit.  I asked him if he could just take me to a nearby motel, but he wasn’t listening to me at this point.

Instead, he was bustling around his room gathering materials for what he called a ‘prayer’.  He told me he needed a few things.  I sat there staring at him as he lifted a blanket off his table.  Under the blanket, were photos of different shamanic wise men. Realizing this was an altar of sorts, I began to panic again.  Tommy had taken the blanket from the table, and had thrown it over his head as a covering.  He was crouched down over a bowl of some sort, and was chanting and burning sage.  Then, he got out his Bible and began to read a passage to me about the true name of God.  Tommy wanted to teach me about true name of Jehovah, and how this name had more power.  Well, at this point I had enough, and I told him that I didn’t want this kind of prayer.  Feeling trapped, I was trying to be as nice as I could about the whole situation.  If this was Tommy’s new spiritual path, then I didn’t want to outright criticize it and alienate him.  I wanted to gradually witness to him about the true Jesus and what happened to me when I dabbled in shamanism and witchcraft.  However, all I could do at this point was tell him I didn’t want this kind of spiritual path.  Tommy loosely knew what had happened to me when I left witchcraft, so I was confused as to why he would even try to put me in this uncomfortable situation to begin with…but I was trying hard to be understanding.

Tommy actually claimed to be a Christian, but I was clearly seeing he was not one at all.  He was doing what myself and many in the New Age had done, blending various mystical practices with a loose idea of who Jesus is.  This creates a hodge-podge ‘Coexist’ idea of religion that takes cherry picked parts from the Bible and then leaves other troublesome part out.  It blends all kinds of different religions and mystical practices to create a melting pot Christianity.  This is not good fruit, and this is how we can know if someone is truly following Jesus or not.  It’s not our job to go around and judge everyone’s salvation, but we want to be careful whom we allow into our lives. 

Tommy’s ‘fruit’ was showing me that he wasn’t a Christian, even though he had professed to be many times.  This was groundbreaking for me because there are many things in the world that have slapped the Christian label on themselves, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. 

To criticize Tommy’s Native American spirituality was not an option to me then, because it would be seen as tantamount to criticizing a marginalized culture.  However, we have to be able to speak God’s truth.  God is very clear about not having any other gods before Him.  Tommy was going against God’s commands by worshipping idols while calling upon Jehovah God all in the same breath.  This is exactly the same practice I was involved in as a Christian Witch doing spells for Jesus.  It is a stench in the Lord’s nostrils.  This is a deception, and one that is very strong because it deceives us into thinking we are actually following the Lord. 

After I rejected his saging ritual, Tommy was frustrated with me.  He put away the items, but was still trying to help me, so he offered to sleep next to me in the living room to calm me down.  Feeling torn and not wanting to offend him, I agreed.

After spending a few minutes cuddling with Tommy, I realized I would never fall asleep with his arms around me. I was too hyped up in general, and to add insult to injury now I was hyped up with romantic hopes of him kissing me.  So, I tried to gently tell him as much, but his reaction caught me off guard.  He responded in anger again, and this time I was truly shocked.  I couldn’t hide my surprise and hurt.  How could he be so angry with me? I wondered.  At this point, I was finally really frustrated with him.  I told Tommy I needed to get up to get a drink of water, and instead of letting me go..Tommy held onto me even tighter. “Let me go”, I whispered frightened but also irritated.

“No.” He said.  You need to go to sleep.  “Calm Down and go to sleep!”, he spat in my ear.

“When did you become so bossy?” I accused him.

“When did you become such a mess?” he hissed back at me.   I still remember his words to me at that moment.  “Jen, you are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever known.”

Surprised that Tommy let me break free of his grasp, I finally was able to get my bottle of water in the kitchen.  As I opened the fridge, I turned and saw that Tommy was standing next to me on my left …fuming with anger.  He was completely enraged, and I was frozen in fear.

“Get your things, and get out…NOW.” He whispered as loud as he could without waking Bruce in the other room.

Scared that Tommy would actually hit me at this point, I packed all my clothes in a hurry.  I had never felt frightened by a man before, or worried about being hit by one.  My father was just verbally abusive, but never physical.  This was a whole new level of feeling powerless, and I didn’t really know how to react.  After I packed my bags, Tommy grabbed them and angrily threw them in the back of his truck.  He turned to me and said accusingly : “You told me you would stay with me even if I lived in a tent.”

Realizing what was going on with Tommy, I pleaded with him to understand.  “Tommy, I’m not rejecting you…I just can’t sleep here.  It has nothing to do with you living in a tent or a house. I wanted to visit you wherever you were…but I can’t sleep here at this house.”

I didn’t quite know how to articulate WHY I couldn’t sleep at his house. What would I even say? ‘Hey Tommy…I think you might need an exorcist at your house?’ ‘Hey Tommy, your roommate might be possessed?’ Or what about: ‘Hey Tommy, Satan is spiritually attacking me?’

I was embarrassed this was even happening, and like all victims of childhood abuse I was doubting myself all at the same time.  I started to wonder if I was in fact just plain ole crazy.  Maybe I had imagined the whole thing…but I knew I wasn’t….and that something bigger was happening.  God was trying to show me something about Tommy.

Tommy just stared at me then turned away in silence.  “Just stop talking, he said.”

As we drove through the pitch black dirt roads that led into town, the silence in the car was deafening.  It was about 4:30am at this point.  About 20 minutes later, Tommy stopped at a motel near the edge of Hanalei, but since it was after hours no one answered the door.  “There won’t be any open motels at this hour,; life is different here in Hawaii” Tommy said with a sense of resoluteness.  Standing in the dark, Tommy started to grab my bags and put them near the entrance of the motel.  I looked at him terrified.

“Tommy, please don’t leave me here in the dark, alone.  Can you take me to the airport maybe?” I could wait there and grab a taxi when they start running in the morning.”

He looked at me, and thankfully decided against leaving me there.  We got back into his truck, and he drove a few more minutes out to the next town of Lihue where the airport was located.  As we neared the boarding lanes, Tommy pulled over.  In total silence, he helped me unload my bags.  As I stood there bags in hand, I looked at Tommy’s face for what would be the very last time.  I was surprised to see he had a look of remorse in his eyes, and for a moment there was a glimpse of the friend I knew all those years ago.  In that moment, I felt confused again.  Which one was he? The nice guy I knew, or the angry man I just saw?  This dual personality created a kind of cognitive dissonance inside my mind.  I knew Tommy wasn’t a good choice for me, but I kept trying to find the ‘good’ in him.  I also felt profoundly ‘messed up’ at that point in my life. Tommy was right in a way…I was a mess by the world’s standards, but this was God’s will that I walk through the fire to be clean.  Jesus had been ‘breaking me’ to rebuild me, and I was in the ‘breaking phase.’  I began to regret visiting Tommy in the first place, and I thought he would be the one person who would understand what I was going through. I believed the lies of the Twin Flame propaganda, and this was the result of that.

Tommy and I were a toxic mixture, and we both triggered each other’s childhood issues.  Tommy’s mom had shunned him when he left the Jehovah’s Witness faith, and his first wife had cheated on him. Tommy’s father was abusive as well.  When you mix that in with my issues with my controlling and verbally abusive father, you get a ticking time bomb of personality clashes. 

The Twin Flame lies would call this ‘working out your karma’ or ‘healing your past lives’ (non-Christian concepts).  This kind of brainwashing is very dangerous, and I was completely addicted and convinced that Tommy just needed to ‘heal’ emotionally, and then we could be together.  I was fresh out of the New-Age cult, and I fell for the Twin Flame cult. I was finally ready to start seeing the truth about Twin Flames….

Twin Flames aren’t of God.  They are demonic assignments–Toxic and dangerous to our Spirit. 

Twin Flames aren’t divine appointments like I thought they were.  They were the complete opposite.  They were a trap, a snare set by the evil one to distract me and pull me away from the Lord.  

Jesus would help me to later see that this was an addictive pattern tied to the dysfunctional relationship with my father.  If I could redeem an abusive man, then I could finally get my father to love me and maybe re-parent myself in the process.  That’s the mental trap we all fall into.  We want to undo the past and re-create the future into something better.  The problem is, until the Lord fully heals us…we just keep repeating these old mistakes and finding people who are familiar to the old hurts and hangups we experienced as children.  Jesus wants to free us from that. That’s the devil’s plan for our lives! God’s plan is to liberate us from that!

So, as we stood there staring at each other for the last time …I finally said goodbye and walked away.  Even though things were terrible between us,  I couldn’t stop hoping that Tommy would change.  Maybe he would come to his senses tomorrow and apologize the for how angry he was with me.  Maybe then he would want to hear about Jesus, and we could salvage the trip and spend some time together.

My reluctance to let Tommy go was going to be one of the toughest lessons from the Lord. 

 

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Chapter 33: Siddartha’s Demons

Chapter 33: Siddartha’s Demons

“Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”–Isaiah 5:20

Just as soon as Tommy and I were starting to connect, Bruce returned to the house and the moment was shattered.  It was here that I noticed something that I hadn’t before: Bruce and Tommy didn’t really get along very well. When Bruce was gone running errands, Tommy was his old self with me.  Tommy was relaxed and smiling, having fun.  However, the minute Bruce returned Tommy became noticeably nervous and began to act differently with me.

So, there I was wanting to cheer everyone up and recapture the mood before Bruce had arrived.  So, I found myself offering to make dinner for everyone that night.  Tommy seemed excited about the idea, and I saw a smile of happiness on his face for a moment.  However, reality soon set in when realized the only meal I truly knew how to cook was lasagna, and I would need a recipe and some special ingredients to make it.  Seeing that this would take longer than the time we had before dinner, Tommy offered to cook that night instead.  Slightly embarrassed that I wasn’t the kind of woman who could whip something up from scratch, I thanked him and vowed to make everyone a delicious dinner the next night instead.  After this interaction, I noticed a difference in Tommy’s mood again, almost as if he seemed stressed or annoyed at the situation.

Panicking again, I wondered why things never seemed to go right between me and Tommy.  It was at this exact moment that I finally began to question what was really going on with this ‘relationship’.  I also began to wonder why we were having dinner again with Tommy’s roommate.  Why hadn’t we had any time alone, I questioned.

As the evening progressed, I was getting more anxious.  Things weren’t going well, and I the tension in the house was palpable.  Tommy was working on the water heater, and trying to cook dinner at the same time…and I could tell this was very stressful for him.  I was helping by making a salad, and I wanted to help cook but I truly needed a recipe to do anything at that time.  I felt worthless again, the way I tended to feel around him.  It was an old feeling that always seemed to come up when I was with Tommy.  I felt he was much better than me, and that I wasn’t really his type or good enough for him.  How odd that I always felt this, I thought.  For the first time, I started to wonder why this was.  As I nervously bustled around making a salad and setting the table, I was startled when Tommy began to curse outside on the back porch.  Something wasn’t going well with the water heater repair, and he began to become irate.  Storming into the house, he became even angrier when he noticed that the rice was sticking to the pan and was starting to burn.  Clanging dishes around, he began to make a lot of noise in the kitchen and I didn’t quite know how to respond.

Bruce commented on the whole scene by telling him “Bro, you’re blood sugar’s probably low; you should eat a bite of something.”

Being a peacekeeper type, I offered him a plate of chips and dips.  Tommy got even angrier with me, and yelled directly at me saying: “Don’t shove a plate of food in my face like that.”

I stayed unnaturally calm because the whole interaction was very similar to my own father’s anger issues, and because of that I knew how to respond.  I understood anger well, and I was able to remain eerily calm during a storm of someone else’s emotions.  However, the minute he yelled at me in my face, something inside me had shut down..closed off completely.  This was, in fact, too similar to my father’s behavior, and because of that I was getting triggered by remembering the countless times my own dad had yelled at me in front of others.  My father’s anger had gotten passed down to me, just as Tommy’s father’s anger had done to him.  I understood the nature of it, and I had empathy…but I just couldn’t tolerate anger in a relationship.  It brought out a side of me I didn’t know how to manage.  I slipped back into ‘fight or flight’ mode and it wasn’t a healthy situation for me.

After Tommy yelled at me, he sat down and tried to eat a bite of something.  Relieved, Bruce and I sat down as well and ate dinner at the table.  I noticed that I could barely eat anything because I was so nervous, but I tried to force down some food.  Dinner progressed without incident, and afterwards I offered to clean up the dishes.  Tommy seemed grateful that I was cleaning up, and he began to approach me by the sink.  Bruce had gone outside on the porch, and Tommy and I had a moment alone in the house. Tommy looked at me intently, and began to apologize for his anger.  “It’s a problem I struggle with”, he said mournfully.  I could see that he meant his apology, and I wanted to resolve the issue as well.  I stopped cleaning the dishes, turned around and hugged him with all my body weight.  I wanted him to know I understood.  I looked right at him and told him what was really in my heart.

I told him about my father, and how he used to yell at me in front of the whole family.  There I was a little kid and I had spilled the milk, or made some mistake that children do…and there was my father inches from my face yelling and thumping my skull with his index finger.  He wanted me to be better than that, smarter, and to “Just Think before you do things!” I could still hear his voice ringing in my ears.   At this point, I hadn’t yet forgiven my father for his anger towards me..so the way Tommy reacted had triggered a deep trauma.  The Lord would heal this in time, but Satan knew just what buttons to push.

I began to realize that Satan sends people into our lives just the same way God does. The trick is figuring out who is sent from the enemy and who isn’t.  I also began to see the truth about the Twin Flame phenomena: It was a lie straight from the pits of Hell.  I believed the Twin Flame lie that Tommy and I had childhood pain to resolve, and that’s why we were so ‘seemingly’ incompatible. 

Satan loves sending us traps, snares, and calling evil good, and good evil.  

My relationship with Tommy was anything but healthy, but because I believed we were Twin Flames, I was willing to step into a toxic romance and try to rationalize it every step of the way.  Because I believed Tommy and I had some grand spiritual purpose on the planet, I had put myself in a veritable wolf den, and I was getting eaten alive.  The moment when Tommy was yelling at me somehow snapped me out of this for a moment, and I was beginning to see the writing on the wall for the first time.

Looking back, I wished I would have just gotten a taxi at that very moment.  It would have been wiser for me to do that.  Yet, because there was still a part of me that longed for some shred of my romantic fantasy…I held on and decided to try one more night with Tommy.  Even though I was triggered, and I was starting to wake up from deception…I still longed for love.  My deep need for a man to love me and tell me I was good enough was a trap, a weakness Satan was using against me.  If Tommy could just love me, then everything would be okay.

The evening progressed without any further complication, and Tommy and I had mended fences. Tommy understood my past with my father, and I understood Tommy’s past with his father.  It didn’t of course change how we responded to one another, but there was a level of acceptance as to why Tommy’s anger triggered me.  I naively thought if I could heal Tommy’s anger, then I could in fact heal my own anger and my childhood pain.  This was also the lie of the Twin Flame Theory. The idea that we can heal our own hurts on our own, or that someone else other than Jesus can heal us.  It always came down to healing didn’t it? That’s what we’re all searching for, what I had been searching for.

I was still in the process of sanctification from the Lord, and I was getting healed every day…but I still needed to learn that no amount of healing could ever come from myself or someone else.  True change only comes from the renewing of my mind from the Holy Spirit.  Temporary change can occur from willpower alone, but true healing and true change only comes from our Creator, the one who fashioned us in our mother’s womb. 

After dinner, we all began to talk about random things. When Bruce was in the bathroom, I somehow found myself sharing with Tommy the fact that I had been attacked by a demon that fateful night in Seattle when Tommy came to my rescue.  I told him this hoping it would spark some memory of the man he used to be, a man who professed to know Christ..and a man who had warned me about all the dangers of mystical spiritism.

Upon hearing me speak, Tommy’s eyes widened,…and I thought for sure he was going to think I was some crazy lady…but instead the opposite happened.  Tommy shocked me by admitting the same exact thing had happened to him recently.  Tommy had been hearing voices inside his mind that were telling him to hurt himself.  

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!  Up until this point, I had convinced myself I was the only person who had been through this grisly experience of what was called ‘demonic oppression.’  I didn’t know much about demonic oppression at that time, as I was a brand new baby Christian.  So, this was mind blowing to me that someone else had also experienced this horrific event.

It was just then that Bruce entered into the kitchen.  He had overheard the tail end of my  conversation with Tommy, and he began to get excited.  “I just got attacked by demons the other night guys!” He exclaimed with an uncharacteristic tone of accomplishment. I sat there and stared at Bruce while a shiver went up and down my spine.

Bruce began to vividly describe how he had just gotten attacked by demons a few nights ago.  Confused about Bruce’s religion, I discovered he was a Buddhist.  At the time, I didn’t realize that Buddhism included a belief in demons or demonic possession.  Bruce didn’t really explain this, but instead spoke excitedly about how demons attacked him just the other night.  Not taking a breath, Bruce nonchalantly announced that his solution for this demonic attack was to ‘absorb’ the demons into his own ‘energy field’.  Bruce explained that these demons could not harm him if he ‘absorbed’ them. 

Sitting there listening to Bruce’s story, I was quietly freaking out.  I still had intense post-traumatic stress from my own demonic oppression, and listening to Bruce openly admit he invited demons inside himself was really starting to freak  me out.  Did this mean he was in fact possessed?  I suddenly became all too aware of the Kuan-Yin and Buddha statues in the living room, and I became very fearful. Was the Buddha just another possessed person who had demonic knowledge?  Was ‘enlightenment’ demonic?  I never even considered that before this moment.

Even more importantly,  Were there demonic spirits in the house? Maybe this was why I couldn’t sleep well there, I thought. All at once, I began to question what was really going on with my visit to Hawaii.

Why had I been led out to this house in the middle of nowhere, to stay with an angry man whose roommate had ‘absorbed’ demons into his spirit? Didn’t this mean he was possessed and controlled by Satan? I thought Buddhism was just meditation, not anything to do with demons and possession.

I couldn’t yet see that I was surrounded by the enemy, in the lion’s den..literally.  I didn’t have the confidence of my authority in Jesus as I do now, so I was in a word…terrified.  Satan didn’t have power over me, but because I was a new Christian, I had allowed Satan entrance into my life to mess with me.

After all the talk about demons, I lied down to try to sleep…but it was all in vain.  I prayed for protection, but I was very fearful.  To calm myself down, I started to slip back into my old thoughts of wanting to make things work in Hawaii.  Maybe I could face my fears and live there, I thought irrationally.  I desperately wanted love, and I was very taken with the idea of living in a tropical paradise.  It was everything I had dreamed about.  Maybe I was being silly to worry.  People were always telling me I was paranoid, so perhaps I was being too harsh with Tommy.  Maybe he needed me to help him, pull him out of the new-age.  It wouldn’t be very loving to just leave him again.  All these thoughts were racing through my head as I lied there in the dark trying to sleep.  As you can imagine, sleep did not come.

It must have been about 2am when I finally decided to sit up and turn on a lamp.  I began to pray intensely, and I realized that I hadn’t truly surrendered my will over to the Lord’s perfect will.  That’s how I had gotten into this mess! I pleaded with God to show me what to do.  Why couldn’t I sleep, and what was going on?

Insomnia was one of my biggest fears, and it felt like I was losing my mind again.  It hadn’t registered with me yet that this was classic demonic oppression.

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere Hawaii… God told me what I had to do:

Get out of there….NOW.   

Chapter 32: ‘Hawaii’s Healing Vortexes’

Chapter 32: ‘Hawaii’s Healing Vortexes’

“For even though they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.”—Romans 1:21-23

Arriving back at Tommy’s house, my emotions felt a little shaky so I decided to have an honest talk with him before we exited the car.  I turned to him and point-blank asked if he was romantically interested in me.  I somehow needed to know how he felt in order to figure out my own feelings–which I now know is an unhealthy love addiction pattern.  Had I not been so consumed with wanting his affections, then I would have clearly seen we weren’t compatible in any way, shape, or form.  Yet because I wasn’t ready to accept that, I decided to press him for a declaration of his feelings.  This of course did not go well.  Convinced that I was doing the right thing, I turned to him and said, “Tommy, I would really like to know how you feel about me and where you want this to go between us.“  He looked at me blankly and did not reply.

Humiliated, I got out of the car in a huff and went into the house.  I decided to resort to my trusty coping skill at that time—getting drunk.  It would take years for the Lord to fully convict me about drinking, and at that time it was the only thing that helped me process all the changes in my life.  I grabbed the wine Tommy had bought, and poured myself a glass without asking.  Then I decided to wash my hair and relax.  I would show him, I thought.  I was going to enjoy my vacation regardless of how he was acting.  After washing up, I dried and styled my hair, and put on a cute dress.  Even though I was stuck at this house in the middle of nowhere, I wasn’t going to let that stop me from having a relaxing time.

When I emerged from the room in my cute new dress and with my hair down and styled, Ryan and Tommy both looked up.  Bruce smiled in appreciation as well.  I felt better somehow when men appreciated my appearance, as if I the playing field was leveled and I could get my needs better met.  My beauty was somehow a source of personal power, a way to make men treat me like a queen, a ‘goddess’.  I still felt this was what a woman was supposed to be.  I had not yet been shown that my beauty had become an idol, and that I was using it in a way that did not honor GodNot that there’s anything wrong with looking pretty, but I was confusing my attractiveness with my identity.  Beauty became an idol for me, a way to gain power and take back control. 

For the next couple of hours, Tommy and Ryan seemed to dote on me and pay me special attention.  I decided to sit outside and drink my wine in solitude.  I wanted to distance myself from Tommy, and I needed some personal space.  I hadn’t quite figured out my plan, but I was considering leaving the next morning to get a motel room.  Noticing my antisocial behavior, Tommy came outside and asked me if I wanted more wine or anything to eat.  He seemed eager to please me, but I was still angry at his rejection.  My emotions were so confusing that all I knew to do was to look pretty and be dismissive.  Somehow that strategy had been drummed into my head by the world.  My plan was to make him want me, then be cold and distant.  This was all on an emotional level of course, and it wasn’t some planned strategy.  I just knew that I felt very triggered being there, and I was going to reassert my authority any way I could. 

The rest of the evening went by without incident.  Nothing much happened with Ryan or Tommy, and I had decided that I didn’t want to flirt with anyone at this point.  When Ryan went home, Tommy hopped in the shower to wind down for bed.  I began to get nervous about having insomnia again, and I didn’t much feel like sleeping next to Tommy at this point.  Alone with Bruce in the living room, I decided to approach him about sleeping on the couch that evening.  Bruce curtly replied that it was fine if I slept on the couch for a few days, but that he was going to have some friends stay over that weekend.  I was a bit surprised that Tommy hadn’t told me anything about that, but mostly relieved I could sleep on the couch for that night.  Feeling hopeful that perhaps I would sleep better tonight, I began to wind down for bed.  However, when Tommy got out of the shower and discovered that Bruce was helping me get the couch ready for sleeping, he became noticeably agitated.  After Bruce had gone to his room, Tommy told me that I had gone over his head by asking his roommate for permission to sleep on the couch.  Bewildered, I sat there wondering how sleeping on the couch had become such a huge dilemma, but I decided to shrug it off and apologize for causing any trouble.  I was also tipsy and exhausted at this point in the evening, and generally feeling depressed that nothing had gone well with this trip.  Deciding that this would be my last night at Tommy’s house, I resolved to put my hurt feelings on the backburner and keep the peace.  Tommy sat down with me in the living room, and at first it seemed like he wanted to smooth things over as well.  We started to talk about neutral topics, but then out of nowhere Tommy’s tone began to change.  His gaze hardened, and he began to philosophize about how he felt the whole Hawaii experience was a spiritual lesson for me.  Tommy wanted to teach me all about Mother Hawaii, and how ‘She’ has lessons for us all.  He felt Hawaii wanted me to learn about Self-Love, and that our relationship was meant to teach me this lesson.  Well, at this point I’d had just about enough rejection for one evening, so this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back for me.

I also didn’t want to hear another word about the pantheistic worldview of attributing spiritual properties to the state of Hawaii, and how it was a ‘She’.  The way Tommy was talking sounded just like the ‘goddess worship’ cult from which I had just emerged.  God was about to show me that the idea of ‘self-love’ wasn’t biblical at all.  I didn’t need to learn to love myself more, I just needed to be transformed by the Lord and let God renew me into a new creation.  Self-Love is just another form of idolatry, yet the world markets this as the solution to all that ails humanity.   

After listening to a lecture about self-esteem from Tommy, I was pretty upset.  I couldn’t think of anything to say because my self respect was already really low at that point in my life, so in response to all the rejection I began to cry, which further humiliated me.  I hated crying in front of people, because I felt so weak.  I knew this was just some old trauma from childhood that kept me bottling up my feelings and afraid to let them out…but I still didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of my tears.  However, I officially had enough of the head games, and there were no more words to say.  All I could do was cry.  I couldn’t believe he was lecturing me about self-love when all I wanted from him was a kiss—to be reassured of any feelings he had for me.  How had this trip gone so wrong? I wondered.

Hoping for sleep that night, I tried to relax and forget where I was.  I did manage to sleep a few hours, but I was still struggling with a strange hyped up nervous feeling that produced a constant state of vigilance that kept me from fully relaxing.  By the next morning, I was starting to feel the cumulative effects of sleep deprivation.  I thought crashing on the couch would solve the insomnia problem, but I didn’t sleep any better at all from the first night.  I woke up before anyone else, so I decided to make some coffee and check my phone for messages.

Surprisingly, one of the women from my church had texted out of the blue saying she was praying for me.  Feeling this was not a coincidence, I texted back to inform her that I was in Hawaii and that it wasn’t going well at all.  She immediately texted back saying that she felt I was under attack for some reason, and that’s why she had been praying for me.  Knowing exactly what she meant, I realized she was right.  I thanked her for praying for me, and told her I would contact her soon.  Knowing what I had to do, I started getting my things ready to leave the house.  I had already had a bad feeling that there was some demonic energy in the house, but I didn’t know how to articulate that even to myself then.  I just knew I had to get away so I could sleep and think clearly.  I would later realize I was experiencing another attack of demonic oppression, and my cloudy thinking and insomnia was part of the warfare…all designed to confuse me and keep me from calling out to the Lord.  I was still learning the schemes of the enemy at this point, and I did not understand the authority I now had as a child of God. 

Just then, Tommy woke up and came into the kitchen for breakfast.  Sensing that something was wrong, he asked me why I was acting strange.  Realizing I had to tell him the truth, I cautiously explained that I was thinking about getting a hotel room for the rest of my stay.  I told him I still really wanted to hang out, but that I felt it would be easier for me to sleep somewhere else.  Seeing the angry look in his eyes, I stopped mid- sentence.  Tommy looked out the window for a minute, turned to me and announced “I’m taking you to the beach today.”  Surprised at his authoritative tone, but happy he was paying attention to me, I decided it couldn’t hurt if I spent the afternoon at the beach before getting a motel room.  So, I donned my bathing suit and gathered my things.  On the way to the ocean, Tommy told me that he hoped I would reconsider staying elsewhere and that maybe some time at the beach might help me relax.  He still seemed very irritated with me in general though.  This perplexed me, but at this point I was just happy to see the ocean so I tried to focus on that.  Tommy dropped me off at the beach and announced that he would pick me up in a few hours since he still had to fix the water system back at the house. I decided that I would enjoy this time, and try to forget about all the stress between us.

Little did I know, but my time at the beach would turn out to be the only highlight of the entire trip. Things were about to get very dark, but this was a bit of joy even in the midst of what was about to happen. 

The Hawaii coast was breathtaking, just the way I had hoped it would be.  I spread out a blanket on the sand, and soaked up the sun.  The ocean was too turbulent for actual swimming that day, and there a warning against the high tide.  Even so, there were a few lone surfers who decided to brave the water.  Sitting there watching them while eating my lunch, I felt the first bit of happiness since arriving in Hawaii.  Feeling inspired that perhaps I could dip my toes in the water, I gingerly waded into the ocean.  However, the waves were rougher than I thought and it knocked me down almost instantly.  Laughing at myself for attempting to retain dignity while being knocked about by waves on the shore, I quickly exited the water.  Even though I didn’t stay in the ocean long, I felt rejuvenated.  When Tommy picked me up a few hours later I was definitely more relaxed.  I no longer felt sleep deprived, and instead I felt a rush of vitality.  Looking at me curiously, he asked if I’d enjoyed myself.  I realized that I was smiling and happy for the first time since arriving, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with spending time with him.

“You still want to get a hotel room? He asked gruffly.

Cheered up somewhat by the tranquility of the ocean, I was surprised to find myself agreeing to stay another night.  I thought since the day had been going surprisingly well, that maybe this was a turning point in the trip. Tommy seemed to want me to stay, so that felt nice to be wanted.  I also rationalized that I would surely sleep well tonight after being so relaxed by my time by the ocean.  Hearing my optimism, Tommy began to tell me all about the healing effects of mother Hawaii, and how ‘She’ brings up all our deep issues so we can let go of them.  Being fresh out of the new-age and confused about all the abounding deceptions, I was initially willing to consider the concept of ‘sacred geothermal spots in the earth’–places that perhaps God had created to be charged with healing properties.  At the time, that seemed like it could still fit within the Christian worldview.

However, I now know these ‘healing biomeridan spots’ are a demonic concept.  Spiritual vortexes of healing are not of God.  The Lord heals us if it is in His will, not because we seek a ‘divine energy spot’.  Being near the ocean in general does lift our mood because of the negative ions, and this is good for our health.  However, elevating the ocean or a geographic place on the earth to a spiritual vortex is definitely new-age thinking. 

I also later learned that these ‘vortexes’ were places where ancient pagans considered to be sacred, and therefore conducted rituals and sacrifices to their ‘gods’.  Many of these ‘vortexes’ were labeled as sacred due to belief that ‘higher beings’ had visited there once before.  So, in effect these ‘sacred healing spots’ like Hawaii, Sedona, Mt. Shasta, Glastenbury, Stonehenge, etc…were in actuality places where heavy demonic energy had been channeled throughout history.  So, the new age had repackaged that as ‘spiritual’ and ‘healthy’ for people.  Lies, all Lies. 

After my relaxing time at the beach, I was finally starting to feel happy about being in Hawaii.  Maybe things could still work out, I thought.  A sudden wave of happiness washed over me, and I turned to Tommy and touched his arm.  “I’m really glad I’m here”, I said genuinely.

Still tense, he glanced at me through the corner of his eyes and studied my expression for a moment. “Good.”  He replied.

A strange feeling of bliss seemed to wash over me that day, and I felt like I was my old self again.  I should have recognized this as spiritual warfare, but it felt so positive and peaceful…so it wasn’t on my radar. 

When we got back to the house, I asked Tommy if he would take a picture of me in my bathing suit and cute beach sarong.  I wanted a keepsake of myself after all the weight I’d lost, and I hadn’t looked good in a bathing suit in a long time so I wanted to document this.  Tommy began to smile for the first time that day, and happily obliged to be the photographer.  Afterwards, I washed up to get all the sand off me.  Bruce was gone for the day, and it was finally how I had imagined it would be—Tommy and I were alone and free to get to know each other again.  Inspired by my improved mood, I decided to dress up nice for Tommy.  Looking in the mirror, I noticed the humidity had brought out some natural waviness to my hair, and I stared at my glowing reflection with surprise.  Maybe this could work out after all, I thought to myself.  Maybe I was wrong about Tommy and Hawaii.  Deciding to ignore the warning of the woman at church, I felt that I could turn this situation around if I tried hard enough.

When I was done getting washed up, Tommy had put on some music and was making me a special drink from a very expensive bottle of Tequila.  He had picked some lemons from the tree outside, and he wanted to share a toast.  Elated that we were finally connecting, I sat down with him on the front porch table.  Enjoying each other for the first time, Tommy truly began to open up.  He told me things I never knew, all about his childhood and being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness.  He told me that when he left the faith, his mother had disowned him.  This deeply scarred him, and that coupled with his abusive father had created a lot of anger towards his childhood.  Despite his negative experience with religion, Tommy kept trying to seek God.  He showed me the book he was reading by a new-age author named Marianne Williamson, and he told me all about his spirit journeys at the sweat lodges.  He told me that when I first met him all those years ago, that he was attending the Jehovah’s Witness church at that time.  He was confused about who God was, and wanted desperately to find his faith.

I was shocked to hear the real story of Tommy’s life because all this time I had assumed he was a Christian.  He professed to be a Christian, but I was about to discover that there are many false Christs in the world deceiving people.  Tommy left behind the cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses, but he was now following the books of Marianne Williamson and the idea of ‘all paths leading to heaven.’ This was the New Age view of who Jesus was and what He taught—another cult.  I was about to get a crash course in this. 

 

Just because someone claims to be a Christian, does not make them one.  That was going to be my biggest lesson of this trip. 

Chapter 31: Hawaii Spiritualism

Chapter 31:  Hawaii Spiritualism

Finally the morning of my flight rolled around, and I was zinging with nervousness.  I had planned out all my cute little outfits, and had gone to all kinds of measures to look beautiful for Tommy.  Picturing how wonderful our reunion would be kept me in a constant state of heightened emotions.  It was like a rush of hormones throughout my entire body, and the euphoria of it was very addictive.  Visiting Tommy all the way out in Hawaii felt like the bravest thing I had ever done at that time, and I imagines myself  as a character straight out of a movie.  It was every single fantasy I had ever cooked up in my imagination, all come to life.  Because of this romance smokescreen, I simply did not want to see the obvious warning signs of danger right around the corner. 

Boarding my flight went well, and after the first layover in Atlanta I arrived to the LAX terminal  around dinnertime.  After having a bite to eat, I began my five hour flight to the Lihue Airport.  Groggy but excited, I landed in Hawaii around 11pm my time.  When I exited the plane, I immediately began trying to spot Tommy in the crowd.  I had this silly hope that he would be waiting for me there, and we would embrace in a grand romantic fashion.  Full of hope, my eyes roamed the faces in the crowd, but much to my disappointment I did not see him.  Still not giving up, I walked out of the gate and towards the baggage claim to wait for my luggage.  I figured Tommy was probably waiting for me there.  When I still didn’t see him, I began to feel a growing sense of quiet panic.  I knew it was irrational to expect him to be there at the gate or the baggage claim, but I still couldn’t shake the sense of disappointment brewing in my heart.  I decided to go to the bathroom and freshen up, then go back to the baggage claim.  I took my time in the restroom, and emerged several minutes later.  When I still didn’t see Tommy, I finally decided to call him to ask where he was.  He answered the phone immediately and explained that he was outside parked in a loading zone, and that he needed to watch his truck so he didn’t get a ticket.

I suddenly felt bad that I had expected him to be waiting for me with such a big romantic gesture, and I remembered how precarious his finances were at that time.  I decided to adjust all my exaggerated expectations and give him a break.  After all, hadn’t I been the one that had let him down in the past?  What right did I have to expect anything from him? I reasoned with myself.  Realizing this, I felt much better about the situation.

When we arrived at his house, I unpacked my bags and got settled.  The place was lovely, and was located near a piece of land that stretched for miles.  I was happy to be out of the airport and relaxed for the first time that day.   In the living room, I did notice a huge altar to the Chinese goddess named Kuan-Yin, but Tommy quickly told me that it was his roommate’s décor.  Being a brand new Christian fresh out of the occult, I didn’t realize that occult objects allow entrance of demonic energy into households.  I wasn’t alarmed at this point, but I soon would be.

Realizing how late it was, I decided to get ready for bed.  I was still hoping that Tommy would kiss me by the end of the evening.  I took my time in the shower, trying to calm myself about the growing nervousness I was feeling.  I wasn’t sure what the sleeping arrangements would be, but I assumed one of us would be taking the couch because Tommy’s bedroom only had a small twin mattress placed upon the floor.  However after my shower, Tommy announced that we should share his bed.  Not wanting to seem rude or make him feel like the bed was inadequate, I smiled and agreed.  To get ready for bed, Tommy began to undress right in front of me.  I quickly averted my eyes, wondering why he would do this before we had even kissed.  Seeing my embarrassment, he began to explain how much the mystical culture and lifestyle of Hawaii had changed him.  He told me I should expect many new customs here and that I should keep an open mind.  He informed me that many of the women remain topless at parties on the beach, and it is not uncommon to do so.  While I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, I tried to remember I was in a new place and I needed to be open to new things instead of being judgmental.  I certainly didn’t want to be one of those kinds of harsh Christians I used to despise.  However, what I hadn’t realized yet is that every true believer should have nothing to do with sin.  Because I was a new Christian and afraid to seem uncool or judgmental, I was allowing myself to wade right back into everything I had just gotten pulled out of.  Because I wanted the world’s approval, I kept quiet. God would later show me that the world would never love me because I was God’s child..not a child of the world.  

As uncomfortable as I was becoming with this whole evening, I tried to console myself with the thought that sleeping in Tommy’s bed seemed like an opportunity to be close to him and for him to realize that we were meant to be together.  I realize how crazy this all sounds now, but at the time my brain was scrambled by this twin flame deception.  I had imagined this night in my mind a million times, and it was finally happening.  In my fantasies, Tommy and I fall in love and realize instantly that we are Twin Flames.  Once we embrace, the spiritual knowledge would be imparted to us and we would be given the gifts of the early humans—Adam and Eve.  Again, being a baby Christian I was very much seduced by the idea of the soulmate and twin flame connection, and I truly thought some sort of mystical Christian union would take place with us.  There are many Christian Twin Flame websites propagating this lie, and it is deceiving many who long for love.  I was so sure that the vision I had received all those years ago was from God, that I thought these awkward speedbumps with Tommy were part of our journey.  The twin flame literature taught me how twin flame relationships are very difficult because each partner has to resolve their childhood issues before they can be together.  The twin flame websites also said that twin flames trigger each other so that they can heal the pain from their past. These are all LIES from Satan meant to draw people into the new age antichrist thinking.  

As I lied there in Tommy’s bed trying to relax, I wondered how on earth I would actually sleep next to him.  Wanting some kind of assurance of his feelings for me, I tried my best to flirt in order that he might want to kiss me, but this did not happen.  Profoundly confused and disappointed, I decided to risk it all and tell him about the vision I received many years ago.  I had been keeping this to myself, so I wouldn’t scare him off, but I needed to both unburden myself and test the waters to see if he was also receiving the same visions.  The twin flame literature taught that both partners knew the other one was their intended, and that both people received this psychic knowledge.  Thoroughly convinced that Tommy was my other half, I thought I would take the risk and tell him my feelings.  As you can imagine, this did not go over well.  Tommy told me that I was scaring him and making him nervous, so I stopped talking about the vision.  I don’t know what I had hoped for, but I genuinely thought he would spiritually understand somehow.  I decided to stop talking about it and try to fall asleep.

Sleep proved more difficult than I thought, as I tried to adjust to being so close to Tommy.  I tried to relax, but I found that to be very difficult as I was so upset and nervous about everything.  Overall, I must have gotten one or two hours of sleep, and I was constantly woken up by the strange sounds of wild roosters that roamed all over the island.  Even though I’d had little sleep, I was strangely energized the next morning.  I had this powerful sense of excitement from all the twin flame brainwashing I believed.  After coffee and breakfast, I had expected Tommy and I would go and explore and have some alone time to catch up.  However, he informed me that he had to fix the water system at the house where he was staying, as this was part of his rent agreement.  Tommy was a plumber by trade, so he was on the clock that day.  I understood his situation, and tried to be patient.  It was strange being marooned without means of transportation, but I tried to be relaxed about the situation.

After lunch, Tommy’s roommate Bruce had a friend visit the house.  This friend was there to help Bruce work on his website for his new Qi Gong business.  The friend’s name was Ryan, and he was really nice and welcoming.  Tommy was busy working outside on the water tank, and I was inside pretending to not feel in the way.  Thankfully, Bruce’s friend Ryan took pity on me and began to strike up a conversation.  Ryan began to talk about his collection of crystals, and how he feels they each have a specific healing vibration.  Ryan believed if he talked to the crystals, he would amplify the healing from them.  While I didn’t think Ryan was crazy, I did realize just how much God had already been changing my thinking in this area.  I must have not responded to Ryan in a way that he expected, because he seemed to want to convince me of the healing properties of crystals.  I nodded my head and agreed, not wanting to create a scene.  I myself was so freshly out of this way of thinking, that I didn’t even have the words to explain what it was that made me uncomfortable about healing crystals.  Now I know that the new age takes many inanimate objects, and turns them into mini idols of sorts.  It’s the idea of assigning divinity to God’s creation instead of God the creator.   Anytime we put our faith in an object, we become superstitious and assign a power to that object. This is creating an idol, and is abhorrent to the Lord.  It is dangerous because it takes us away from God’s power and plan for our lives, and gets us focusing on the earth and therefore Satan’s kingdom. Satan loves it when we elevate the earth and ourselves above the kingdom of heaven.  If we worship the created and ourselves, we drift far away from God and are easily manipulated.

All the talk of crystals aside, I began to realize that I was more interested in talking to Ryan than I was to Tommy.  Ryan and I had an easy way of communicating; whereas Tommy and I definitely had some sort of roadblock in that area.  I chalked it all up to the twin flame struggles then, and tried to be patient.  However, I found myself slightly flirting with Ryan out of frustration with Tommy.  Realizing I was confused about my own feelings, I decided it was time to call my friend Reagan for a chat.  I retreated to Tommy’s room and shut the door for some privacy.  Reagan and I were still talking to one another at this point in my life, even though I hadn’t seen her in person since I had been saved.  She didn’t understand my conversion to becoming a Christian, but we were still trying to remain friends.  After telling Reagan how Tommy was acting, she felt he was just being guarded so he wouldn’t get hurt again, and I thought that sounded true as well.  I thanked her for the support.

Feeling better, I stepped back out into the living room where Bruce and Ryan were still working on the website.  As I was walking to the kitchen table, Tommy entered the house from the back patio door and our paths directly intersected.  Much to my surprise, Tommy walked towards me and acted like he was about to kiss me, but then at the last minute decided against it.  Thoroughly confused, I decided to sit down at the kitchen table and resume reading my book.  Tommy sat down next to me, smiled and complimented me on my jewelry.  He was referring to my bohemian style bracelets and rings that I had carefully selected for the purpose of the trip.  Happy that he noticed, I took this compliment and stored it away in my mental archives to convince myself of our compatibility.  At this point, I was still dressing like I always did, and wanted to look sexy for Tommy.  I didn’t realize until months later what modest dress was all about, and honoring God with how I looked.  

After Tommy’s compliment, I was surprised to see that Ryan suddenly walked over and started talking to me.  A few minutes later, Tommy asked to speak to me in his room.  Hopeful that Tommy would finally want to kiss me, I eagerly followed him into the room. Tommy motioned for me to sit down on the bed with him, and then he leaned in close and began to tell me something I’ll never forget:

He began to explain about how Hawaii culture was more open and free, and told me that if I found someone else to be attractive, that I could enjoy that person’s attention and be with them, but that there would need to be some rules for certain things we could and couldn’t do physically.  After listening to him for a few minutes, I realized he was talking about polyamory or perhaps the concept of an ‘open relationship.’ 

While I had heard of this concept before, the idea had never been appealing to me.  I immediately stopped him mid-sentence and told him I wasn’t interested in any arrangement remotely resembling an open relationship.  I suspected Tommy had gotten caught up in the open relationship thinking so as to avoid ever getting cheated on again. Remembering that his ex-wife broke his heart with infidelity, I tried to understand how polyamory could be an appealing solution to him.  However, this was the first huge red flag for me.  I started to have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach as I realized I didn’t have anything in common with him anymore.  I also started to become uncomfortable with the fact that I was marooned out in the middle of nowhere without any means of transportation into town.  My foot had been freshly healed, but wasn’t up to lots of walking yet.  I still had to take it easy.  Yet, there was still a tiny bit of hope that I could be a good influence on Tommy and maybe bring him back to how he was when we first met.  I believed the lie that I could save someone.

After our talk, Tommy asked if I wanted to get any items at the grocery store.  He wanted to take a break from the water heater project.  Going to the store was the first time Tommy and I had spent alone together all day, and so I relished it.  On the trip there, he told me he had secured a job interview for me at a local non-profit.  Hearing this news, my heart began to jump with delight.  This must mean he loves me, I thought.  Then, he went on to say that he really wanted to do anything he could to help set me up here in Hawaii, and that maybe he could help me find me a roommate eventually.  Hearing this, my heart began to sink back down again.  I couldn’t figure out if Tomny was trying to play it cool, or if he was just flat-out not that interested in me.  Then, the thought occurred to me that perhaps he had arranged this whole scheme as an elaborate way to punish me for rejecting him all those years ago, but I quickly dismissed that thought as paranoia.  He couldn’t be that cruel, could he?

After driving on deserted country roads for about 20 minutes, we finally arrived at a cute little natural food store in the middle of what seemed like nowhere.  There were no other stores around, just green grass and dirt roads.  This remote island was quite isolated and untouched.  While I was overwhelmed with the beauty of it all, I somehow didn’t see myself truly living there.  I could feel it deep down that I wasn’t quite the Hawaii type, but I decided to keep that to myself for the time being.

Relieved to finally be at the store, we walked inside to buy a few things.  I needed a natural sleep aid to help me relax and actually get a sound 8 hours of shut eye that night.  I told Tommy that I might need to sleep on the couch that night instead, so I could sleep better.  I explained that I wasn’t used to sleeping in the bed with anyone.  He looked at me sideways, but didn’t reply.  Pressing on, I purchased some melatonin, protein bars, and bottled water.  Once we bought our items, we walked outside and sat at a wooden table to visit.  Tommy began to tell me more about the spiritual path he was on lately.  He had a look of excitement on his face, and I tried to follow what he was saying and support him with affirming nonverbal head nods.  He told me all about the sweat-lodges he had been going to, and the spirit quests he had been doing while also taking the mind expanding herb called Ayuhuska.

Not knowing quite how to respond, I replied by telling him about what God had been showing me about dabbling in the spirit realm and how it can be dangerous.  Tommy stared at me with curiosity.  I got the sense that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of what I was saying.  The girl he knew many years ago was fully into mystical pursuits, and here I was again out of the blue…looking just the same but talking about Jesus and obedience to God’s instructions.  While by the same token, I was thinking the same thing about Tommy.  Here he was this man who had evolved into quite the new age spiritualist, while just a handful of years ago he had been reading his Bible and telling me about the dangers of divination.  It was like a spiritual stalemate if you will, and I was hoping to find some strategic verbal maneuver to bring him back to his old self.

Of course, at that time I mistakenly thought I alone had the power to bring people to Jesus, that I could do this miraculous healing and bring the person back from the new age.   That’s the kind of thing the new age teaches, that we have these powerful healing gifts inside ourselves, that we are divine in nature.  I knew I wasn’t divine in any way, but I still thought I had the power to heal inside myself.  I didn’t quite grasp that this was not Godly thinking.  I was convicted of this by the end of the trip, but that’s part of the learning curve for any new Christian.  Another thing I didn’t yet understand and wouldn’t for many years is that I had to pray for the person’s salvation, and that the Holy Spirit alone did the changing.  There were no right words I could say to save someone. 

The power was God’s alone.  It didn’t have anything to do with my own powers, only God’s.

Chapter 30: Twin Flame Deception

Chapter 30:  Twin Flame Deception

“Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.”–1 John 4:1 

Being a new Christian, I was about to learn that Satan attacks most ferociously during the time when a believer is first coming to Christ.  New believers haven’t been grounded in the authority of Jesus, and don’t know the word of the Lord as the Sword of the Spirit, so they are very vulnerable to spiritual warfare.

The good news was that I was done with the heavy demonic oppression, and that was never to come back again, but I was about to endure spiritual warfare in a different way. 

I would later learn that God allows this to build discernment in his children.  God had many lessons to teach me, and even though they were not easy I now count it all Joy–Joy in the Lord through the chastisement, Joy in the Lord through the trials.  It was all meant for me to be refined and grown up in the Truth..and I was about to have more scales removed from my eyes to see God’s truth first-hand.

No sooner than the heavy demonic oppression on my mind lifted, did Satan start to rear his ugly head in attempt to ensnare me in yet another deception–the lies of the Twin Flame Soulmate.  It all started a couple months after being born-again.  I was still wearing the boot cast, but my ‘bone bruise’ was feeling much better and I had a lot more mobility.  With the ability to walk around the house more, I was doing laundry one afternoon when out of nowhere I had a thought about Tommy.  I suddenly felt a very strong urge to contact him.  He was one of the few men I had met in my life that claimed to be a Christian, so at the time I thought God was leading me back to a partner who would be a good choice for me.  I wanted to date a believer, so I could be equally yolked, as I was learning this was of extreme importance for me spiritually.  I didn’t want to be with anyone who would pull me away from the truth of Jesus, and I thought Tommy would be someone with whom I could share my faith.

Feeling this powerful urge to connect with Tommy, I decided to look him up online. I was able to find him, so I reached out to him and apologized for everything that happened in the past.  I felt that I was in the wrong, so I wanted to extend an olive branch.  He said he forgave me, and was happy to hear from me.  I thought this all meant it was God’s will that we reconnect.  Through our conversation, he told me he was still living in Hawaii, and that he had created a new life for himself, and was now going by a new spiritual name.  I learned that he was very involved in the shaman community in Hawaii, and that he participated in many sweat lodges and spirit journeys with the drug called Ayahuasca—a powerful psychedelic that induces visions.  He told me that he had been doing spiritual healing sessions as a side-job, and really enjoyed helping people.

You would think that I would have realized right then and there that Tommy was not a Christian at all, and that I needed to run away from this because it was literally everything from which I had just escaped.  However, there was this strong pull inside me to ‘help’ him…and I couldn’t turn away.  All these warning signs registered with me, but somehow I felt that I was supposed to reconnect with Tommy and share what God had done in my life.

At that time, I still believed the ‘true love vision’ I received years ago was from the Lord… but I would soon discover that the vision had been a deception from Satan the entire time. 

Still believing this vision was from God, I was determined to help Tommy and bring him out of the new age.  I felt that God wanted me to witness to him, and then we could be together forever.  I had no idea that God does not unite two people who are unequally yolked.  Instead, I believed the Twin Flame Lie that Tommy and I had some sort of spiritual purpose on the planet—one that we had to unite to achieve.  I thought all these ideas were from the Most High at the time, but I was about to learn they were yet another deception.  Something that I had not considered until this point was that Satan appears as an angel of light to deceive us.  I was about to learn just how deceptive this ‘light’ can be.

Reconnecting with Tommy was a cunning distraction the evil one used on me as a baby Christian.  Knowing I was very vulnerable and looking for love, Satan provided a snare in the form of a man who was still entrenched in the new age.  As Tommy and I began to reconnect, sure enough I started to feel we were ‘meant to be.’  I felt pulled to him somehow, as if we were destined to be together for eternity.  I began to research about this online, and I stumbled upon many websites and videos about the Twin Flame/Twin Soul phenomena.  Many Christians also believed in this, so I thought it was safe and not ‘new agey’ at all.  I believed that God had created a soul-mate or intended partner for each of us, much like he had created Eve for Adam.  I began to read about twin flames and listen to all sorts of videos, trying to understand why I felt pulled to Tommy.  The twin flame community all had a similar story to mine:

They had received a vision from ‘God’ with a picture or knowing of who their twin soul would be, and then they had met them.  I thought I was stumbling onto some great truth at the time, and I thought this was part of God’s blessing to me for having exited the new age.  The twin flame phenomena involved having a ‘psychic’ or ‘spiritual’ connection with one’s partner, a powerful draw to them, and many other empathetic qualities.  I found that many Christians believed they were empaths or ‘sensitives’, and so I thought this was a safe concept as well.  I didn’t know yet that although the Holy Spirit does give us spiritual giftings and annointings, but that Satan tries to imitate these gifts.

After talking with Tommy for a few weeks, we began to grow close again and he invited me to visit him in Hawaii.  After our history together, I felt that I needed to visit him to somehow ‘make things right’.  I owed him in a way, both for the time he almost visited me, and then again for the time he did visit me… but it went horribly.  I felt that the gesture of my visit would somehow even the scales, and show him that we were meant to be.  I wanted to do a grand Mea Culpa, and prove to him that I was his twin flame.

Even though I was financially broke, I had just received my final dispersement of student loan money for the fall semester.  This meant that I could afford to visit Tommy.  What’s more, if I scheduled the trip a few months from then my foot would be healed up enough to wear normal shoes.  This could work! I thought.  It all felt like my destiny unfolding.  Tommy had also hinted that if I liked it in Hawaii, then I could move there and stay with him.  This was what I had always dreamed about, a man whisking me away to another state and taking care of me.  I began to fantasize about the idea of my life with Tommy in a tropical paradise.  I felt so blessed! I thought God was gifting me the life I had always dreamed about.  I began to make preparations for moving to Hawaii, and each day I became more convinced that Tommy was my Twin Flame.

In order to prepare for the move, I knew I needed to first get in shape to live on an island.  The flight to Hawaii was scheduled for 3 months out so that I could lose the weight to look good for Tommy.  I didn’t quite know how I was going to slim down, what with my foot being only recently healed.  I called my foot doctor, and he approved me to wear special tennis shoes and instead of walking I could ride the exercise bike.  I had about 20 pounds to lose in order to wear a bathing suit, and I was terrified at not looking perfect for Tommy.  My life became all about looking beautiful for my Twin Flame.  I began to limit my food intake, and exercise every day.  I did cellulite treatments, tanning beds, and became quite obsessed with becoming as beautiful as I could be for Tommy.

Meanwhile, Tommy was busy making preparations for my visit too.  When we originally reconnected, he had been living in a tent in someone’s backyard—which was actually more common in Hawaii than I had previously realized.  The tent had a mattress and was very large, but nonetheless Tommy wanted a nicer environment for my visit and hopeful relocation.  Within a month’s time, he found a furnished rental house and a roommate.  This gesture was very endearing to me, and I felt it meant we were supposed to be together.  Tommy seemed serious about preparing for my visit, but I was getting a little nervous about the fact that we didn’t talk about our feelings much.  I got the sense that the whole trip was to see if we were truly compatible, to ‘test the waters’ so to speak.  Because of this uncertainty, I began to become increasingly nervous about seeing Tommy again, and the old worries started haunting my mind that I wouldn’t be good enough for him.  All the old feelings of insecurity rose up in me, just like they had when we first met.

Months went by, and it was finally the month of January—time to fly out to Hawaii to see my twin flame.  Fueled by an excited nervousness, I had actually managed to drop 30 pounds.  This was the thinnest I had been since college, and I truly thought this meant that God was blessing this union with Tommy.  I believed God wanted me to look beautiful for my future husband, and I had read online that other women had lost weight when they met their twin flames. Some of the Twin Flame testimonies even remarked how their physical ailments were improved upon finding their twin flames.  I was hopeful that this true love reunion would do the same for me.  I had also read that the Twin Flame reunion was some sort of mystical experience, and at that time I was confused about mystical Christianity.  The idea of  twin flames also seemed so compatible with Christianity to me at that time, because I viewed it as journeying back to my authentic humanity, back to the Garden of Eden.  I felt Tommy was the man God had created for me, and that the original humans had certain spiritual gifts from God.  I felt that God wanted me to experience this as well.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I was being seduced by the idea of mystical and new-age Christianity.  I hadn’t developed the discernment for that yet, but the Holy Spirit was about to take me on a crash course. 

Still being deceived by the Twin Flame videos and literature online, I believed the lie that my union with Tommy might unlock some other spiritual gifts and blessings for us, and I began to believe that if Tommy and I consummated our love we would be blessed even more with a ‘spiritual convergence’. 

I had not yet been sanctified in this area of pre-marital sex, so the idea of intimacy with a man whom I thought was my future husband seemed safe.  However, God was about to show me why sex was created to be a holy union.  The union of two into one flesh is a spiritual bond, and not to be taken lightly. 

Leading up to my trip was a very spiritually vulnerable time for me.  I didn’t want anything to do with magic or new age, but there were some gray areas I wasn’t so sure about.  The ideas of:  Twin Souls, Crystals, Empaths, Christian psychics (claiming to have messages from the Holy Spirit), Energy healing, and Spirit Animals—all these topics seemed like they could easily fall into the category of mystical Christianity, which I thought was okay at the time.  I was such a young Christian, that I didn’t yet have the discernment to see that this was all deception.  Young Christians, especially ones exiting from the occult truly need support groups to help them understand what is safe and what is not.  However, I know now that God allowed this so that I could clearly understand all these pitfalls of the satanic new age system. 

God was about to slowly peel back every layer of the new age to grow my discernment. 

As the weeks crept closer to my date of departure, I noticed that I was starting to have some real doubts about visiting Tommy.  I still felt he was my twin flame, and I still wanted to witness to him and ‘save him’ from the new-age..but the doubts were growing louder and louder in my mind.  This was the Holy Spirit warning me, but I didn’t realize that back then.  Initially, I tried to silence the doubts because I felt horribly responsible for Tommy’s descent into the new age spirituality.  I felt somehow responsible for introducing him to the tarot cards and mystical practices, and so I naively hoped that I could convince him of the dangers and rescue him from the deception.

However, as the time to visit him drew near I noticed I felt an increasing amount of anxiety at the idea of seeing him.  So, for the first time as a new Christian, I surrendered my decision to Jesus and prayed for an answer.  I wanted to know if visiting and/or moving to Hawaii was God’s will.  I hadn’t actually consulted God before booking the flight, and that was something I was starting to realize was very important.  So, I prayed and waited for a confirmation about my trip.  A few days after praying, I began to notice something odd.  I began to notice that a hawk seemed to be camped out near my mom’s house.  While that wasn’t totally unusual for the countryside of Arkansas, it seemed unusual for the hawk to be so close to the house.  The first week, I saw the hawk perching on a street sign near the mailbox in our yard, then a week later the hawk was sitting on the back of the fence in the backyard.  I was surprised at the proximity of the hawk, because generally these birds of prey don’t come that close to humans.  Then, the very next day I noticed the hawk was positioned on the side of the fence near the garage, and I happened to see him when I was taking out the trash.  As if this weren’t startling enough, I finally encountered the hawk one day when it was perched on the hood of my truck—just sitting there.  I gasped with shock, wondering why on earth the hawk was so intent on hanging around the house.  I couldn’t ignore it when it was preventing me from getting into my car and leaving the house.  I ended up shooing it away so I could run an errand, but it made me wonder why the hawk kept showing up near us.

Being such a new Christian emerging from what I now refer to as the new-age meatgrinder, my spiritual eyes were freshly opened.  The scales had been removed, but I was still unsure of how to test the spirits.  I could see God’s truth, but there were certain things I still needed to learn.  This was one of them.   At that time, I just assumed (wrongly so) that the hawk was a sign from God– telling me I should go to Hawaii.  I was still very much into signs at that point in my faith.  I was still confused at the idea of being connected to the natural world, and I was still blurring the line between Christianity and Shamanism.  This confused me greatly at the time.   

I would later learn that the hawk was not a sign from God..but a trick from Satan to get me hooked on the ideas of signs and nature reverence.  I knew not to worship the created above the creator..but I still hadn’t figured out that the enemy loves to twist things just a tiny bit to get us confused.  While I certainly believe God gifts us with certain talents to work with animals or nature, God doesn’t want us revering animals or trying to interpret the actions of animals as heavenly signs. 

I would also soon learn that God is not the author of confusion, and that when He answers our prayers, it’s in a direct way.  We know when God speaks to us and tell us what we need to do.  God’s answers are backed by His word, and will never contradict what is written in the Bible.  We don’t have to wonder about it, decipher the the signs, etc.  Confusion is not from God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 29: The Snare of Anger

Chapter 29:  The Snare of Anger

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.–Psalm 40:2

While all the complications were happening with my foot, I learned that my friend Reagan had also been dealing with strange health issues as well.  She had been in and out of the hospital for some internal issues to do with cysts in her uterus.  On top of that, she was getting dizzy and passing out at various points during her day.  All this was very distressing, but I had no way to help because I myself was stuck in Arkansas with a broken foot.  It was around this point that I began to wonder if Charlie’s ‘negative entities’ (demons) were attacking Reagan and myself.  Unsure how to even cope with this possibility, I tried to put it out of my mind.  However, I began to feel progressively more angry each day.  I couldn’t believe I was in this helpless of a position.

Believing the lie that my mother was to blame for all this negativity my survival instincts started to scream at me to get out! Get out of my mom’s house, escape her!  Around this time, I began to become verbally aggressive with my mother, and I started to actively hate her.  Everything she did just set me off, and we had loud screaming matches at least 2-3 times per day—all instigated by me.  I began to suspect that maybe she had lied to me about my childhood abuser, and maybe she was actually the abuser–all lies from Satan.  This made sense to me at the time because I hated her so much, and because she was always so depressed and that infected me with her sadness.  One night, things got so heated between us that I looked at her and decided to push her back towards the wall.  Even in my rage, I knew I would never hurt my mother.  I did want to scare her though, and shoving her towards a wall would not hurt her..but show her how angry I was.  However, even as I did this, I knew I had somehow crossed a line in my spirit.  I stood there in shock that I had actually laid hands on my own mother.  I knew right then that I had to get away from her if I was going to survive this period of my life.  I began to get online and try to search for homeless shelters for women or even hippie communes, anywhere I could live for barter.  It was a desperate attempt to just get away from my mom for even one minute.  She wasn’t working much at that time, so she was always home..and I felt suffocated from her constant presence.  What I didn’t know at the time was that my mom had completely had it with my anger, and she wanted to kick me out.  Knowing that I had nowhere to go, she felt completely trapped living with me as well. Everything I was feeling, she was feeling. 

In total desperation, my mom had been praying and crying out to the Lord non-stop.  She was warring in the spirit for my salvation because she knew something wasn’t right, and she had never seen me act like this.  

Desperate for some sort of relief and healing from my anger, I began to become interested in the Quantum Healing Technique again.  I felt like if I could just figure out what happened in my past life, my higher self or an ascended being could heal me of all this pain.  Not having any money, I found an online facebook group that did remote energy healings for students trying to learn these types of techniques.  A woman in the group offered to do a healing on me, and I agreed.  This wasn’t Quantum Healing, but this woman offered a compatible form of energy work that would access my deeper cells and memories and heal the trauma.  This woman instructed me to get comfortable and let the energy session take place.  For the first few minutes, I could actually feel the peace washing over me, and I knew this woman must have been a powerful healer.  I hoped she could fix all the brokenness in me.  However, after about five minutes, something began to change.  I suddenly had a horrible headache and began to feel absolutely nauseous, but something else was also happening that I couldn’t quite understand.  I suddenly had an overwhelmingly bad feeling come over me, a feeling of doom..of complete evil.  It made no sense to me at the time because I regarded energy work as the highest form of divine love and light.  I thought this was God’s energy flowing through my cells, healing me.  I began to panic and become afraid of the feeling coming over me.  I asked the practitioner if we could cut the healing session short, and she agreed.  She apologized, and felt really bad that I had experienced a negative reaction.  She didn’t understand why, but offered up the explanation that sometimes the healing can be too much for people.  However, I had never experienced such a strange reaction before from energy work.

At the time, I rationalized this as a sensitivity to another person’s energy, but now I know this to be an adverse reaction to demonic energy.  I was finally seeing the tip of the iceberg of what was going on.  These beings of ‘love and light’ were beginning to be revealed for the forces of darkness that they really were. 

Something about this healing session set off a chain of events inside me that day.  I began to feel something shift in my mind, and I started to panic about my life.  I started to feel really confused in my mind after that session.  I don’t know how to explain it, but my thinking began to be unclear and I didn’t feel quite myself.  It felt as if there was a great evil that wanted to crawl inside my mind somehow, but that didn’t really make any sense to me at the time.  I was truly scared that I was losing my mind though, and my sanity felt shaky.  I recognized this feeling because I had experienced it once before in Seattle.  However, this time I didn’t think to rebuke it in Jesus’s name.  I couldn’t seem to formulate the thought to rebuke it or fight it.  It was too powerful this time, and I couldn’t fight it anymore.  I would later learn that this was demonic oppression, and that because I had been saved as a child I had the seal of the Holy Spirit upon me and could not be fully possessed by a demon.  However, demonic ‘oppression’ is constant harassment by demonic forces, and is just as terrifying. 

The next few days, I began to feel out of control in every way.  The only solution I could think of was to grab my trusty tarot deck for answers.  I knew the cards would give me some hope, a silver lining with this situation.  I couldn’t afford to call a psychic at this point, so I would have to rely on my own psychic powers to help me get out the mess my life had become.  As I started to shuffle the cards, I began to notice how desperate I felt.  I was sitting on my bed, frantically hoping the tarot would show me something…some sort of answer or solution that I hadn’t thought of yet.  But it wasn’t showing me anything at all. I put the deck down, and started to cry out in sadness at what my life had become, at who I had become.

Right at that exact moment is when I heard the words that would change my life forever.

“Let Me Help You.”

 

I didn’t wonder for one second what I had just heard.  I knew it was the King of Kings.  God’s voice was unmistakable.  I didn’t for one second worry that I was ‘hearing voices’ or anything crazy like that.  I just knew that this was a miracle, and I couldn’t believe God loved me enough to reach out to me.  I felt God’s presence in the room that day, and I knew the Most High had reached down into the slimy pit and pulled me out.  My spirit knew God’s voice instantly when I heard it.  It was a gentle loving voice.  God wasn’t rebuking me or angry with me; He just wanted to help pull me out of this mess I had created.  I got the sense that He had been waiting there all along for me to ask for help, and that I had been trying to do everything on my own for so long.  He was right there all along, but this was the right time that I was open enough to hear Him, to truly Listen with ‘Ears to Hear’.

“Let ME Help You”, God said.  I heard the words ringing in my ears, and I immediately dropped the tarot cards.  I knew I had heard the voice of Jehovah.  I KNEW!!  I immediately kneeled down on my bed, boot cast and all…my spirit knew exactly what I needed to do—Repent.

I asked God for forgiveness for all that I had done.  I don’t know how to explain it other than my spirit knew that everything I had been dabbling in was against the Lord, that my willfulness and self-reliance was not His plan for me.  God wanted me to follow His will, not mine.  He had a better life for me than I had for myself. 

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.– John 14:6

I knelt beside my bed, and  I prayed like I had never prayed before.  I prayed that day for God to forgive me and to make me Born Again. I prayed for Jesus Christ to make me new again and be the Lord of my life.It was like God gave me the exact words I needed to repent and ask for new life.   After praying, I threw the tarot deck in the trash.  I was done.  God had shown me that I was not supposed to be doing this any longer.

I don’t know how to explain the sudden knowledge that I received, but it was like a wave of understanding came over me–I would later learn this was a Holy Spirit Baptism.  In an instant, I was made aware of what my sins were. I didn’t have a head knowledge of why these specific sins were not good yet, but I knew I had been living out of God’s will.  The Lord convicted me of all the witchcraft I had done, and at this exact moment I was also convicted of any bisexual feelings I had towards women.  I didn’t have to question this, I just knew that Addonai, the almighty God was telling me in love that I was not to participate in these activities any longer. They were not of Him.  When a human tells us these things, we get offended because we feel judged.  But when this knowledge comes directly from our Heavenly Father, it doesn’t sting.  It is God’s judgement on our sins, but it’s a feeling of such profound love and caring.  God wanted to protect me from anything not in HIS will, and I knew that I wanted to follow God’s plan for my life, not mine anymore.  The concept of sin is difficult, but I understand it now as anything that is not holy.  The world’s wisdom is not God’s wisdom, and there are spiritual reasons why sins are dangerous for us.

These changes God made for me were just the first layer of sanctification, as I was about to undergo many different phases of coming out from under the new age deception.  It would be a gradual process, through which God was about to give me a crash course in why certain practices were evil and against His will.  God also showed me that I was not supposed to be with women sexually.  It wasn’t something I thought a lot about, but it was always a question in the back of my mind.  I had no idea what the Bible said about this at that time, but I just knew this was not God’s will for me.  After rededicating myself to God, the demonic attacks on my mind lessened, and it was the first real relief I had experienced.

However, because Satan knew he had lost his hook in me, I was about to learn that the kingdom of darkness attacks us when we try to leave the occult as well.  Jesus would allow this in order for me to be cleansed and purified with Holy Fire of heaven.  

I didn’t own a Bible, so I began to research online about God and the sins of witchcraft.  I wanted to see if there were any former witches like me whom God had called out of the new age.  At that time back in 2015, I only found a couple ladies online speaking about this.  I did find one website that advised me to get rid of all my occult items, anything new age including books and idols.  The website was from a former witch who felt God told her to do this.  When I read this, I felt the truth of it as well.  I began to remove all the evidence of my sin with the occult, and this brought me a great deal of emotional relief as well.

I learned online that because I had been truly saved as a child I could not be possessed by a demon or negative entity as I was still calling them.  To call them ‘negative entities’ is false, and denies the existence of Satan and Hell–which are very real.  I would very soon understand this.

Hell is real, and Satan is the god of this fallen world.  I was on the wide path right to the Lake of Fire, but Jesus left the 99 sheep and went after me–the one lost sheep. 

Because I had been saved as a child and sealed by the Holy Spirit, I could not be possessed by a demon.  However, I could be ‘oppressed’ by one.  This was news to me, but perfectly explained what had been happening to me ever since I first dabbled in witchcraft.  I looked online again and found a website that instructed me that I needed to ask God to remove the demonic oppression, and that listing all my sins from involvement in the occult was a way to do this.  The website instructed that I might need a pastor to pray over me as well.  This particular website felt safe to me, but some others did not.  Some ministries had prayers that seemed almost like spells, so I felt the Holy Spirit wanted me to stay away from them.  The website I found provided what was called a Battle Prayer, and I knew immediately that God wanted me to pray this prayer so I could rebuke the devil an repent for everything I had done.  After praying, I knew God wanted me to attend a church service.  I hadn’t been to church in a very long time, so I was nervous I would get thrown out of the building for being a former witch.  Yet, I knew I had to worship the Lord to fully remove the demonic oppression.  The Holy Spirit was showing me all that I needed to do.

Praising the Lord breaks the demonic chains on our spirit.  I would also later learn that I needed to put on the full Armor of God every day to protect myself from the enemy. 

 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.  Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;  And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.  And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.”–Ephesians 6:11-18

Because the foot was still broken, I had to ask my mom to drive me to church, which was difficult since we barely talked during that time.  She was cautiously happy that I had given my life to the Lord, but our relationship was still fraught with anger on both sides.  Even thought I was still triggered by my mother at this time, I was determined to follow the Lord even if that meant spending time with my mom.  Clueless about which church to attend, I was grateful that a friend of my mom’s recommended a non-denominational church.  Attending a church service after years in the occult was a life changing experience, and I was very grateful to be there.  I fought back tears as best I could, but I eventually couldn’t contain my emotions.  I was just so desperately aware of how much I needed God’s grace and forgiveness.  I couldn’t quite comprehend that the Lord had in fact forgiven me already.  I was so grateful to be saved from the darkness of what I had been involved in, and I was so thankful that Jesus cared enough to pull me out of it.  I had never felt so loved and valued in my entire life. 

Even when the new age said I was gifted and had special powers as a psychic and healer, this paled in comparison to how it felt to be singled out by the Creator of heaven and earth.  God pulled me out of this! I couldn’t quite believe how much I was loved.  The rejoicing and praising of the Lord began to remove even more of the demonic oppression, and I noticed that on the drive home I didn’t feel quite so angry with my mother.  My mind felt like my own again for the first time too, which was a huge turning point.  Up until then, it had felt like something was preventing me from thinking..as if I was very confused all the time and didn’t know my own thoughts.  The car ride home from church was the first time I had felt a sort of mental clarity, and I rejoiced in God’s healing.  Repentance, surrendering my life to God, and praising His Holy name had all been working together to break the chains of spiritual bondage. 

The anger towards my mother gradually began to lessen after this turning point, and the Lord helped me to see that Satan loves nothing more than to attack and divide families.  My mother was still a Christian and prayed for me, and Satan knew if he destroyed our bond that I wouldn’t have anyone there for me.  I would be alone and more vulnerable to darkness.  This is how the enemy works.  

Shortly after, I began to attend a church service for former addicts and those in recovery.  It was a very helpful segue for me because I felt that I could be myself there.  There weren’t any former witches there, but everyone was struggling with something.  I met a woman there who gifted me my first Bible, and asked that I read the book of Acts and Ephesians.  She was a great help to me at that time.  I still hadn’t told anyone of my past in the occult, but I felt safe at this particular church for the moment.  God would later show me that He wanted me to leave, but this church was a good fit for where I was at during that time of my sanctification.  I learned that believers truly need what is called ‘the armor of the church,’ and that when others pray for us or we lift our voices in worship together, that this is the  armor, the protection from the schemes of the enemy.  

I didn’t know it then, but new believers get attacked a lot by satan because they are very vulnerable.  To add to that, those who leave the occult get attacked even more because satan has lost a soul to the kingdom of God.  I realized then that there truly is a war going on—a war for each and every one of our souls.  The greatest deception of all was to believe that satan was harmless or fictional.  The enemy was anything but, and had almost taken me down into the pit.  God took mercy on me, and because of that I knew that my life was not going to be the same as it had been before.

I was given a second chance to live, and I would honor the Lord this time.

The way I had been living was bringing nothing but death into my life, but God reached down into the hole I had fallen into, and He pulled me out.  He gave me a new life, and even though it would take me a while to fully grasp this concept:

I was a new creation in Christ. 

I had been remade, and this was bigger than I realized.  I was no longer the same person, but a new creation with a new heart.  God was about to make some changes in me, and my life was going to be very different. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 28: Spiritual Attacks

Chapter 28:  Spiritual Attacks

 

“If God had told me some time ago that He was about to make me happy as I could be in this world, and then told me he should begin by crippling me in arm or limb, and removing me from all my usual sources of enjoyment, I should have thought it a very strange mode of accomplishing his purpose.  And yet, how is his wisdom manifest even in this!  For if you should see a man shut up in a closed room, idolizing a set of lamps and rejoicing in their light, and you wished to make him truly happy,  you would begin by blowing out all his lamps, and then throwing open the shutter to let in the light of heaven.” 

—Samuel Rutherford, 15th century theologian. 

A month went by, and I had gone from empowered to helpless in an instant.  I had to rely on my mother to help me with most things, and a deep sense of frustration and fear began to set in.  The rub was that the injured foot was my right foot…the foot I used to drive the car.  So without use of this foot I couldn’t even drive down the road!  I felt like a child again, and this sent me into an even deeper rage.  At this point, I began to give up on the idea of ever getting my freedom and independence back, and my heart began to grow bitter.  Realizing that all of my fears had somehow come true, I began to wonder if I would ever escape my mom’s house.  These irrational thoughts began to prey upon my mind, and I began to blame my mother for everything wrong in my life.  “Your mother is the reason why you’re a failure.” —that’s what the thoughts kept telling me.  I remember feeling so worthless and hopeless, as if no matter what I did I would always be stuck living with my mom—unmarried, poor, and pathetic.  That’s what the devil was whispering in my brain.

Through all this darkness, there was one thing I was grateful for at this time and that was the free state health insurance for which I had qualified.  This free insurance allowed me to receive the highest care possible, without any co-pays.  Because of this free health insurance, I decided to seek out a third opinion on the foot in order to have a legitimate medical diagnosis.  At the third exam, the doctor informed me that the foot definitely had a stress fracture, and also that I had done the smart thing by staying off it and avoiding a boot cast.  The doctor then recommended an MRI  to make sure there wasn’t something else going on with my bones.  The fact that a Gatorade bottle actually broke the bones in my foot made the doctor concerned for my bone density.  He scheduled the MRI, but it was a 3 week wait list, so I would have to be patient.

After the exam, I felt a sense of relief knowing a definitive prognosis.  The foot was most certainly broken, and what’s more I had made the right choice to stay off it and let it heal.  I just had to survive a month of recovery time, and then I could be back to normal.  I could survive that, I thought.  My thoughts began to grow more positive, and I had a glimmer of hope that my life could be fabulous yet again.  However, despite my positive thoughts I was about to discover that God had other plans for me, and my life would never be the same again after this.  I would soon learn that no amount of positive thoughts can change or alter God’s will in our lives.  Sometimes God wants us to go through difficult situations in order for our spiritual growth.  It would take years for me to fully understand this.   

Still trying to control the outcome, it came as a complete shock when a few weeks later the unthinkable happened—I injured my foot again in a separate place.  In disbelief, I watched the whole scene transpire as if  in slow motion again like the first time.  Again, I was in shock that I couldn’t move my foot out of harm’s way, and again I couldn’t control my own body.  Why was this happening to me?? I screamed inwardly. 

This time it was my laptop that was the offending object.  It was precariously perched upon the arm of the sofa when it fell on my foot.  To be truthful, I had been drinking wine and watching netflix on the laptop, so my reflexes were slightly impaired.  Back then, alcohol was a powerful stronghold over my spirit.  However, the way in which the ‘accident’ happened was incredibly strange.  Suddenly and without warning, the laptop slipped and fell directly onto my foot at a perfect angle, a direct force hit from the corner of the laptop, a force that created the most damage to the bones.

After the second injury occurred, I was in a bit of a shock.  I was already wearing crutches and wrapping my foot so I just tried to forget about it. I figured the MRI would show me if it was truly broken in the new place, and so I would just have to wait and see.  When I finally had the MRI appointment, I made sure to tell the technicians about the most recent incident with the laptop.  After the MRI, I found out that the original injury had actually already healed, so that was a bit of good news.  It had been about a month since the Gatorade hit my foot, so that was the healing time frame for a small stress fracture.  However, the MRI unfortunately showed that the second injury was a concern.  The MRI didn’t show that the area was fractured, but the doctors did see that there was a trauma to the foot where the laptop had hit.  They recommended another X-ray a week later because stress fractures only show up on X-rays when you put pressure on the foot.  This new injury might take a while to show up on film, they said.  Getting this news was tough for me to process because while the good news was that I had healed from the first foot injury…the bad news was that I now had a shiny new injury.  So, yet again I would have to wait a week and schedule another X-ray to see if this injury was indeed a fracture. My life was beginning to feel like one long string of doctor’s appointments.  I began to wonder how this had happened, and I couldn’t make sense of any of it.    

At the time, I didn’t recognize the injuries as a spiritual attack because I couldn’t accept the fact that Satan has that much control over my life.  I still felt that I was in control.  I also didn’t understand the nature of spiritual warfare, and that demons can be assigned to us by the enemy.  I did wonder if Charlie’s ‘darkness’ had somehow come after me because I was fearful and low vibrational in my thinking (all lies of the new-age), but I wasn’t aware of the full truth about demonic attacks.  What I was about to be shown was this:  There is no protection from the devil without the mighty presence of Jesus Christ.  Humans cannot control the spirit world, and humans are not in control on this earth. God is sovereign, and He is in charge.  The devil is a defeated foe, but he is the ‘god’ of this earth, and he is allowed certain access to humans if they turn their face from God.  In order to get right with God, I would have to cry out for help and fully surrender my life to the Lord, but I wasn’t ready to do that just yet. 

I would also later learn that God sometimes allows Satan to attack us if it’s for a grander purpose.  God sometimes allows bad things to happen to our physical bodies because He cares more about our souls, and my soul was sick.  God had to break me in order to rebuild me, but I couldn’t see that yet..not yet.  

A week later when I got the final X-Ray, I remember sitting there waiting for the result with a sense of finality.  This would hopefully be the last time I would have to worry about the foot.  It was either broken or not, and I would have to let it heal for another month.  I guess I could handle that.  One more month was torture, but manageable.  However, the doctor’s news was the opposite of what I expected.  The doctor entered the exam room, and told me that I had what he called a ‘Bone Bruise’.  He explained to me that the foot didn’t show a fracture yet, but that the area showed a pool of blood inside the bone.  The doctor told me that bone bruises take twice as long to heal, and that he himself had sustained a bone bruise before.  He advised me that I was ready for a walking boot, and that I would need to wear it for a few months.  The doctor cautioned me, however, that bone bruises can take up to 6 months or longer to fully hearl.  6 months or longer????  I sat there in shock.  I simply could not process what was happening to me.  I believed everything he said, but would later learn from another doctor that a bone bruise is a precursor to a stress fracture, and that since I had been using crutches my foot had not been able to develop a stress fracture because no weight had been put upon it.  So, this was a classic misdiagnosis. 

Believing myself to have a bone bruise, I felt even more helpless than when I thought the foot was broken.  Because the injured foot was my right foot, I couldn’t drive like before, and so therefore I couldn’t work.  My mom was already struggling with money, and she was beginning to worry about how she would support me.  Utterly depressed, I went back home to the small room at my mom’s place and began to feel a sense of despair I had never before felt.  I somehow knew that I wasn’t getting out of this.  This was going to change my life for a long time, and I had no clue how to cope with this news.  The first decision I made was to get on food stamps and utilize a food bank for some immediate groceries.  I felt like a charity case, and was beginning to fear that I would end up with nothing forever.  I saw no end in sight, so I also felt that my future plans for a graduate degree would  have to be put on hold as well.

Feeling irrationally and uncontrollably angry at my life in general, I realized with sudden clarity that I hated graduate school.  I had only pursued graduate studies to prove to myself that I was a success, but the ugly truth was that I found academia to be very unfulfilling at this point in my life.  The information I was learning didn’t excite me at all, and I was tired of keeping up with the ‘Jones’s’, as it were.  The bottom line for me was that I didn’t want all the stress of my graduate classes alongside the stress of my foot injury.  I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral.  I was repeating a very old pattern of self-destruction—a pattern that I had no idea how to break.  I was a slave to my anger and my painful childhood, and no matter what I did they always found a way to cripple me in the present, emotionally and physically.  They were always around each and every corner, telling me my life would never be good, that I would never be happy, and that I should just give up and give into the darkenss. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but God was about to show up in a big way and intervene.  My life was about to be forever changed.