Chapter 34: Escaping my Twin Flame
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits.”–Matthew 7:15-20
Stuck in this house in the middle of nowhere, I became painfully aware just how precarious my situation was. Trying to stay calm, I got out my Iphone to find a taxi service. However, for some reason my thinking was fuzzy and I couldn’t seem to focus on calling the number. I felt this strange sense of frozen panic, like in a nightmare…and my brain wasn’t working correctly. Frantic at this point, I decided to knock on Tommy’s door to see if he could call me a taxi. I just knew I needed to get out of that house so I could sleep. I had to sleep, or I felt I would lose my mind.
The spiritual warfare in the house had ramped up to the point of crisis, and I knew leaving was the only solution. I chastised myself for even staying this long. There were so many warning signs… why had I let it get to this boiling point?
Waking up Tommy was a last resort, but I was desperate. He opened his bedroom door with a look of surprise and I immediately regretted asking for his help. I apologized profusely and explained that I needed a taxi to take me to a motel. I told him I just couldn’t handle another sleepless night, and the easiest thing to do was to find a room somewhere. Tommy was initially very sympathetic, and he shifted into protective mode. He told me that no taxis would be running this late, so he wanted to calm me down until morning so I could sleep a bit. I asked him if he could just take me to a nearby motel, but he wasn’t listening to me at this point.
Instead, he was bustling around his room gathering materials for what he called a ‘prayer’. He told me he needed a few things. I sat there staring at him as he lifted a blanket off his table. Under the blanket, were photos of different shamanic wise men. Realizing this was an altar of sorts, I began to panic again. Tommy had taken the blanket from the table, and had thrown it over his head as a covering. He was crouched down over a bowl of some sort, and was chanting and burning sage. Then, he got out his Bible and began to read a passage to me about the true name of God. Tommy wanted to teach me about true name of Jehovah, and how this name had more power. Well, at this point I had enough, and I told him that I didn’t want this kind of prayer. Feeling trapped, I was trying to be as nice as I could about the whole situation. If this was Tommy’s new spiritual path, then I didn’t want to outright criticize it and alienate him. I wanted to gradually witness to him about the true Jesus and what happened to me when I dabbled in shamanism and witchcraft. However, all I could do at this point was tell him I didn’t want this kind of spiritual path. Tommy loosely knew what had happened to me when I left witchcraft, so I was confused as to why he would even try to put me in this uncomfortable situation to begin with…but I was trying hard to be understanding.
Tommy actually claimed to be a Christian, but I was clearly seeing he was not one at all. He was doing what myself and many in the New Age had done, blending various mystical practices with a loose idea of who Jesus is. This creates a hodge-podge ‘Coexist’ idea of religion that takes cherry picked parts from the Bible and then leaves other troublesome part out. It blends all kinds of different religions and mystical practices to create a melting pot Christianity. This is not good fruit, and this is how we can know if someone is truly following Jesus or not. It’s not our job to go around and judge everyone’s salvation, but we want to be careful whom we allow into our lives.
Tommy’s ‘fruit’ was showing me that he wasn’t a Christian, even though he had professed to be many times. This was groundbreaking for me because there are many things in the world that have slapped the Christian label on themselves, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true.
To criticize Tommy’s Native American spirituality was not an option to me then, because it would be seen as tantamount to criticizing a marginalized culture. However, we have to be able to speak God’s truth. God is very clear about not having any other gods before Him. Tommy was going against God’s commands by worshipping idols while calling upon Jehovah God all in the same breath. This is exactly the same practice I was involved in as a Christian Witch doing spells for Jesus. It is a stench in the Lord’s nostrils. This is a deception, and one that is very strong because it deceives us into thinking we are actually following the Lord.
After I rejected his saging ritual, Tommy was frustrated with me. He put away the items, but was still trying to help me, so he offered to sleep next to me in the living room to calm me down. Feeling torn and not wanting to offend him, I agreed.
After spending a few minutes cuddling with Tommy, I realized I would never fall asleep with his arms around me. I was too hyped up in general, and to add insult to injury now I was hyped up with romantic hopes of him kissing me. So, I tried to gently tell him as much, but his reaction caught me off guard. He responded in anger again, and this time I was truly shocked. I couldn’t hide my surprise and hurt. How could he be so angry with me? I wondered. At this point, I was finally really frustrated with him. I told Tommy I needed to get up to get a drink of water, and instead of letting me go..Tommy held onto me even tighter. “Let me go”, I whispered frightened but also irritated.
“No.” He said. You need to go to sleep. “Calm Down and go to sleep!”, he spat in my ear.
“When did you become so bossy?” I accused him.
“When did you become such a mess?” he hissed back at me. I still remember his words to me at that moment. “Jen, you are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever known.”
Surprised that Tommy let me break free of his grasp, I finally was able to get my bottle of water in the kitchen. As I opened the fridge, I turned and saw that Tommy was standing next to me on my left …fuming with anger. He was completely enraged, and I was frozen in fear.
“Get your things, and get out…NOW.” He whispered as loud as he could without waking Bruce in the other room.
Scared that Tommy would actually hit me at this point, I packed all my clothes in a hurry. I had never felt frightened by a man before, or worried about being hit by one. My father was just verbally abusive, but never physical. This was a whole new level of feeling powerless, and I didn’t really know how to react. After I packed my bags, Tommy grabbed them and angrily threw them in the back of his truck. He turned to me and said accusingly : “You told me you would stay with me even if I lived in a tent.”
Realizing what was going on with Tommy, I pleaded with him to understand. “Tommy, I’m not rejecting you…I just can’t sleep here. It has nothing to do with you living in a tent or a house. I wanted to visit you wherever you were…but I can’t sleep here at this house.”
I didn’t quite know how to articulate WHY I couldn’t sleep at his house. What would I even say? ‘Hey Tommy…I think you might need an exorcist at your house?’ ‘Hey Tommy, your roommate might be possessed?’ Or what about: ‘Hey Tommy, Satan is spiritually attacking me?’
I was embarrassed this was even happening, and like all victims of childhood abuse I was doubting myself all at the same time. I started to wonder if I was in fact just plain ole crazy. Maybe I had imagined the whole thing…but I knew I wasn’t….and that something bigger was happening. God was trying to show me something about Tommy.
Tommy just stared at me then turned away in silence. “Just stop talking, he said.”
As we drove through the pitch black dirt roads that led into town, the silence in the car was deafening. It was about 4:30am at this point. About 20 minutes later, Tommy stopped at a motel near the edge of Hanalei, but since it was after hours no one answered the door. “There won’t be any open motels at this hour,; life is different here in Hawaii” Tommy said with a sense of resoluteness. Standing in the dark, Tommy started to grab my bags and put them near the entrance of the motel. I looked at him terrified.
“Tommy, please don’t leave me here in the dark, alone. Can you take me to the airport maybe?” I could wait there and grab a taxi when they start running in the morning.”
He looked at me, and thankfully decided against leaving me there. We got back into his truck, and he drove a few more minutes out to the next town of Lihue where the airport was located. As we neared the boarding lanes, Tommy pulled over. In total silence, he helped me unload my bags. As I stood there bags in hand, I looked at Tommy’s face for what would be the very last time. I was surprised to see he had a look of remorse in his eyes, and for a moment there was a glimpse of the friend I knew all those years ago. In that moment, I felt confused again. Which one was he? The nice guy I knew, or the angry man I just saw? This dual personality created a kind of cognitive dissonance inside my mind. I knew Tommy wasn’t a good choice for me, but I kept trying to find the ‘good’ in him. I also felt profoundly ‘messed up’ at that point in my life. Tommy was right in a way…I was a mess by the world’s standards, but this was God’s will that I walk through the fire to be clean. Jesus had been ‘breaking me’ to rebuild me, and I was in the ‘breaking phase.’ I began to regret visiting Tommy in the first place, and I thought he would be the one person who would understand what I was going through. I believed the lies of the Twin Flame propaganda, and this was the result of that.
Tommy and I were a toxic mixture, and we both triggered each other’s childhood issues. Tommy’s mom had shunned him when he left the Jehovah’s Witness faith, and his first wife had cheated on him. Tommy’s father was abusive as well. When you mix that in with my issues with my controlling and verbally abusive father, you get a ticking time bomb of personality clashes.
The Twin Flame lies would call this ‘working out your karma’ or ‘healing your past lives’ (non-Christian concepts). This kind of brainwashing is very dangerous, and I was completely addicted and convinced that Tommy just needed to ‘heal’ emotionally, and then we could be together. I was fresh out of the New-Age cult, and I fell for the Twin Flame cult. I was finally ready to start seeing the truth about Twin Flames….
Twin Flames aren’t of God. They are demonic assignments–Toxic and dangerous to our Spirit.
Twin Flames aren’t divine appointments like I thought they were. They were the complete opposite. They were a trap, a snare set by the evil one to distract me and pull me away from the Lord.
Jesus would help me to later see that this was an addictive pattern tied to the dysfunctional relationship with my father. If I could redeem an abusive man, then I could finally get my father to love me and maybe re-parent myself in the process. That’s the mental trap we all fall into. We want to undo the past and re-create the future into something better. The problem is, until the Lord fully heals us…we just keep repeating these old mistakes and finding people who are familiar to the old hurts and hangups we experienced as children. Jesus wants to free us from that. That’s the devil’s plan for our lives! God’s plan is to liberate us from that!
So, as we stood there staring at each other for the last time …I finally said goodbye and walked away. Even though things were terrible between us, I couldn’t stop hoping that Tommy would change. Maybe he would come to his senses tomorrow and apologize the for how angry he was with me. Maybe then he would want to hear about Jesus, and we could salvage the trip and spend some time together.
My reluctance to let Tommy go was going to be one of the toughest lessons from the Lord.