When I was 19 years old, I had my first spiritual attack. I was taking a nap, and suddenly I felt a heavy weight on my chest. I couldn’t breathe or wake up. I had been raised as a Christian, and taught to call on the name of Jesus if anything like this happened..but as it often happens in nightmares, I was frozen in silence. A stereotypical shadowy figure appeared to the right side of the bed. I finally struggled to squeak out “In the name of Jesus Christ, Flee!” The image was instantly gone, and I was awake..but my hands were pressing very firmly against my neck, and I woke up choking myself. This was the first time I knew there was a dark spiritual realm. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I heard some people call my experience a ‘Night Terror’, but I was there..and I wasn’t satisfied with that explanation. The other piece to this story is that as a young child, I had been erroneously taught that a person only gets attacked when they are religious, so I thought I would be safe if I stopped praying. So, after this choking attack, I strayed even further from God, ironically trying to avoid danger. This, of course led me down a much more spiritually dangerous path.
The second attack happened when I was in my late 20s, and it was again while I was asleep. I woke up, and the first thing I saw were small dark figures scurrying up the wall very fast, and then they were gone. I was sleeping on my stomach, and I looked to my right, and saw a giant man in a rocking chair. He was wearing a white suit, and had white hair. I thought he was an angel at the time, but he scared me. My first thought was that I didn’t particularly enjoy having a giant man in a rocking chair in my bedroom, but I was reminded of when I was a little girl and my mom told me I saw a man in our backyard dressed all in white, with a white suit and white hair. So, thinking this giant man in my bedroom was an angel, I didn’t get too scared. Knowing what I know now, I suspect this entity to be a demon. satan does appear as an angel of light to confuse us. This was my first experience with that. Something I don’t understand about this attack was that my cat was sitting firmly on my back, and refused to move. I’ve wondered about this ever since. I still believe my cat saw the dark entities, and was trying to protect me. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t think my cat has any power whatsoever to protect me from demons. I did at the time though. I still find it an endearing story that maybe she wanted to protect me. Another interesting thing about this attack was that it happened the night before I was set to move to Seattle. Seattle has a high concentration of divination and wiccan followers. I had been drawn to living there as well. Leading up to this move, I had been curious about tarot and psychic powers for some time, and had been studying the cards, with all their symbolism. These were ancient symbols, that had many meanings in our subconscious I was told. I never suspected these symbols could be dangerous. I also started reading Marion Zimmer Bradley’s book ‘The Mists of Avalon’, and I became very interested in the idea of ‘The Goddess’. I decided to buy some Runes for divination as well. I finally felt like I was in control of my own destiny. I didn’t have as much anxiety any more because I could do a reading for myself about my future. I never suspected the tarot deck wasn’t telling the truth.
The third time I was attacked was really scary, but I didn’t see any dark entities this time. Instead, I was attacked in my thoughts. I was living with roomates in Seattle, and I remember feeling like something sinister wanted me to cut my wrists with the kitchen knives. I recognized this attack on my thoughts, even at that time. I called on Jesus and it stopped, but I was still triggered and afraid. I had no faith at the time, just the knowledge that the name of Jesus was powerful. A few months later, I saw another white light entity. The entity had flowing hair like silver wind, and I thought maybe it was a goddess of some sort. I had no idea that demons masquerade as angels of light. I had no idea that satan can trick us like that. I remember thinking this vision of a light being was confirmation I was on the right path in seeking the goddess. I thought the vision came from God.
The fourth time I was attacked, was when I had just turned 30. I was still living in Seattle, and I had just bought a new tarot deck from a metaphysical bookstore. I had an uncomfortable feeling about the deck because it seemed to work better than any other deck that I’d had. I felt that it had some sort of life of its own, so to speak. A few weeks later in the middle of the night, I had another dream where I couldn’t wake up and I couldn’t breathe. I had a harder time calling on Jesus, as I hadn’t been close to God since I was in my teens. I finally called out “Jesus help me”, and I woke up. This time I wasn’t choking myself, but instead I was face down with my head in the pillow. I was gasping for air, almost smothered. This attack really got under my skin. Being that I was in the new age, and didn’t go to church at the time, I called the store where I bought the tarot deck. I asked the store owner about spiritual attacks and what she thought I should do. She seemed really uncomfortable discussing it, but I was persistent. She finally suggested that I cut up the deck into tiny pieces, and say the name ‘Archangel Michael’ for protection. I was relieved to have a course of action, and I remember feeling like I was in control of the attacks for the first time. I didn’t know of course that this was not enough to protect me, and that the attacks would get far worse when I tried to leave the new age.
A couple months later, I moved back home to my midwestern town. Since I had taken a tarot course while living up in Seattle, I felt ready to start a business in my hometown where I would read professionally for clients. I read from home and at corporate events, and experienced some success. I had several clients and friends who were fascinated by the readings and would call me a ‘seer.’ I remember feeling like finally God had blessed me with this gift to help others. I had learned all about charging my tarot deck with crystals, cleansing it from psychic energies by burying it or placing it outside during a full moon. I learned about keeping it under my pillow to absorb my own energy. I never once thought of it as some sort of portal to the spirit world, even though now I know that’s exactly what it was. I believed the lie: that we all are born knowing our path, and that our higher self has this wisdom. I didn’t suspect the higher self was a lie, and that satan loves to use these things to appear as truth. I saw other Christian psychics or Christian tarot readers using angel decks, so I thought it was all fine.
Flash forward several years later. I had progressed in my spiritual path, and had begun calling myself a Christian witch. I wanted to blend my belief in Jesus with the occult. I had no idea that was not the way. I was desperately searching for the truth about God, but felt the church did not have any answers. They would just be mean or judgemental. I had some unpleasant experiences at a church when I was a child where I was forced to speak in tongues, and I also had a babysitter who called me a slut for wearing a mini skirt. So, like a lot of people do, I swore off all churches because of this. I felt anger towards Christians, and this anger began to grow. I was trying to heal from trauma in my childhood, and so I had been practicing Tai Chi, and had received Reiki healing sessions, and any other energy healing I saw. I never suspected satan would hijack this or deceive someone who was trying to find God. I got into something called map healing, which was opening a channel to heal yourself, and you would call in different spirits for a personal energy session. I had no clue how dangerous that was. I then decided to form something called a goddess circle, which was basically a coven. I formed the coven with some of my tarot clients. We felt like we were doing spells to empower us. I did spells for a couple years with these two women and one other group. I felt like I was finally liberated and doing something mystical and fascinating. I was also calling psychics weekly, and always asking when I would find love. After a couple years, I felt tired of all the spells and ‘manifesting’ good things in my life. It all started to drain me. I decided to move out of my town to stay with my mother in the country. This marked the beginning of my new life. I remember the day everything changed. My 39th birthday.
I hadn’t said a real prayer that wasn’t a spell in many years. If I did, the prayer was always something I wanted and hoped God would send to me, a specific outcome. This time instead, I prayed :
“God my life isn’t working. Please make me into the woman YOU wanted me to be. I’m done.”
I had asked for God’s will, instead of my own. I had never done that before. I had to get to that place where I acknowledged that my will wasn’t making me happy, and that God’s will was perfect. If I truly wanted to find my identity and the truth about God, I had to ask for His help. That changed everything, but it took a while.
A year later, I gave my life to Jesus one day (that’s a whole separate story I talk about in Chapter 29 of my blog), but even after I was born-again I experienced spiritual warfare in a different way. Satan attacks strongly when someone leaves the occult. The attacks were against my mind and mental state, trying to get me to be hateful or angry towards my mom, trying to get me to feel crazy, and trying to lure me right back into occult practices. I was able to recognize these thought attacks for what they were and rebuke them in Jesus’s name. My mom was the only parent I had left, and if I drove her away I would be totally alone; Satan knew all this. The attacks on my mind had a lot of power this time. I was afraid I would actually lose my sanity for a bit there. That’s when I knew I needed to find a church. I had broken my foot two separate times, and couldn’t drive myself, so I had my mom drive me to church. The minute I went to church and began to lift my voice in praise to Jesus…the attacks on my mind all stopped. JUST STOPPED.
After church, I confessed all my sins of dabbling in the occult, asked forgiveness for each of them, and repented from them. I repented of all the sins of spiritism: (tarot, energy work, reiki, witchcraft, even tai chi, yoga, and meditation). I did rebuking prayers. I read my Bible, and a year later I was baptized.
It took years for the anger to be healed and for the sanctification process to be complete, but that’s another blog for another day. I had a lot to learn from the Holy Spirit, and that took time. It’s a daily walk with Jesus now.
I’m writing this blog now because I thought I was all alone going through the demonic attacks. A few years later, I found out that God had been pulling others out of new age deception. I’m writing this blog to let you know that: wherever you are, you are not alone in this. Demons are real, and there is a war for your soul. It’s all true. God is bringing people out of satanic deception. Jesus cares about you and wants to help. You only have to ask Him for help, and He will! He has specific plan for your life!
If you want extra online support: There is an online group on facebook called Reasons for Jesus. It’s helpful to have support when you first get out of this deception. I recommend finding a church that is safe. There’s deception in the church as well with false prophets. Pray the Holy Spirit will give you discernment to know, and read your Bible. The word of God is protection.
You will go through a gradual sancification process, and hopefully no one will judge you for that. If they do, keep praying and drawing closer to Jesus. Walking as a disciple of Jesus isn’t about other Christians, just about following God.
There are also some youtube videos that former new-age author, Doreen Virtue has done to help those exiting the new age. Jesus really does love you and pursued you! You are protected from attacks by the armor of God: Ephesians 6:11: I say it out loud every day. You will need this armor.
When you ask Jesus to be the Lord of your life, and you acknowledge He is the son of God, you need to repent and confess your involvement in the occult. Confessing sins and repenting (turning away from sins) is part of asking forgiveness and letting the Holy Spirit indwell in you and make you a new creation in Christ. Another piece of resisting the devil is forgiving your enemies and those who have wronged you or hurt you in your past (including childhood abuse). This takes time, and God will help you with this. All these things remove spiritual bondage and strongholds (demonic oppression), and as long as you stop sinning (drinking, drugs, fornication) the devil will flee from you. God will be sanctifying you, and like layers of an onion the Lord will show you all areas where you need to surrender to God’s will instead of your own will. This takes time. You don’t have to be perfect, just listen to the Lord and read your Bible. Finding a good church is very important in your walk with the Lord. You need to let God direct you as to which church is safe and has good theology, and this also takes time…but you need to be at church.
****I would warn against seeking out ‘Deliverance Minister’s’ to cast demons out of you. Myself and many others have had bad experiences with this, and this is very similar to new age witchcraft. If God is leading you to have someone bind the devil and pray over you, please find a good minister or visit the new age to Jesus groups online. There will be someone there willing to pray with you. You don’t need an elaborate ritual to be freed from demonic strongholds. Jesus will break those chains of the enemy, but having a pastor pray with you to bind satan is always a good thing.*****
Thank you for reading and I hope this blesses someone today!