Chapter 2: Chaos
Six months prior to receiving the soul-mate vision, I had graduated college and moved back to my hometown in Oklahoma. My boyfriend and I had just broken up, and I was utterly devastated. James was my world, and we had a very romantic, yet tumultuous three year relationship. We were so deeply in love that we made a pact with one another to never love anyone else, for as long as we both should live. You see, back then, the idea of saving oneself for marriage just wasn’t done. Even so, I had managed to save myself all through high school; however, when James and I met, I decided I was ready for a physical relationship.
We had that youthful first-love intensity, like the world was on fire each time we embraced. James would profess his love to me in extremely poetic ways, and this satisfied my penchant for hyper romanticism.
“Jen, you are the eternity to my infinity…the only reality that exists, James would regularly whisper to me.”
This kind of intensity was exhilarating at the time, but didn’t end up translating well to daily life. Towards the end of our relationship, we began to fight constantly. We were both miserable, but couldn’t seem to let each other go. Finally, we both began to stray from each other in different ways. Mine was an emotional affair that almost led to a kiss, but James had begun to have sexual affairs with multiple women. After this, I decided to end the relationship. I knew it was the right decision, but a part of my heart died that day.
I didn’t understand why I felt like I had been ripped into pieces, but I would later learn that when you engage in sexual relations with someone you become ‘one flesh’ (Mark 10:8). This concept eluded me at the time, but the Lord would later show me that sexual intimacy outside of marriage is spiritually damaging.
After our breakup, Coming back to my hometown without James was very difficult for me. I was completely shell shocked from our break-up, and I couldn’t get past the fact that I was now all alone in the world. Grieving the loss of our life together, I tried to soldier on the best I could. However, my entire future had been built around the idea of us spending eternity together. James and I were going to travel the world and teach English. We were going to have grand adventures together. Returning back to my hometown as a single woman was not part of the plan.
In addition to the breakup, things began to unravel in other areas of my life as well. My parents were both twice divorced at this point, and our family life was just plain messy. I had lost two sets of families, both whom I loved very much.
To top it all off, being back in my hometown was also starting to trigger some buried memories of childhood abuse, and I had no clue how to deal with that. Even though I had no personal recollection of what happened to me, I did have an account from my mother that something did happen involving a male relative. I had heard this story before, and for most of my life I discounted this as not grounded in reality at all. However, as an adult I learned that repressed memories of abuse are very common, and this definitely rattled me a bit because I had struggled with sexual intimacy all my life. In fact, sexual dysfunction was at the very heart of the decline in my relationship with James.
So, at the same time that all this childhood pain was surfacing…other areas of my life were falling apart as well, and this created a perfect storm of life altering chaos.
To make matters worse, James wasn’t dealing with the breakup very well either, and unbeknownst to me at the time..had begun to seek answers in the dark world of the occult. How he entered this world, I don’t know, but I would later discover that one night in a fit of rage, he had decided to curse me.
He would later profoundly regret this, but he got to a low point in his anger for my leaving him..and he found solace in a dark ritual.
I now suspect Jame’s curse did affect me all those years ago, only in that God allows consequences for witchcraft. I had already turned away from the Lord’s will, yolked myself with a man like James, and my entire college experience had been one long rebellion– a foray into drugs, alcohol, and bisexual experimentation. I was determined to do things my way, and I was angry..so angry at the world.
You see, immediately after our breakup, my life did begin to mysteriously and systematically crumble. One-by-one, the various dominoes began to fall and created a spectacular crash and burn event. Each area of my life began to dissolve, and I felt powerless to do anything but watch as my dreams gradually began to collapse.
The collapse began with my career plans, as I was originally set to start my student teaching internship at a local school. However, after a few days into the internship I began to feel nothing but dread for my chosen vocation. I realized that I didn’t want to become a teacher after all. Dismayed, I decided to drop out of the internship. So there I stood, all my carefully laid plans crumbling before my eyes. I felt out of control without them. I wanted to know I was on an organized life path, that I was going to be okay. Thankfully, my college adviser informed me that I could still salvage my Bachelor’s degree, but in order to do that I would have to complete two more college courses back at the University– which was an hour’s drive from my hometown. I would have to drive there twice a week to complete the remaining classes. I realized I would need a job…and fast.
Luckily, I found two part-time jobs right away. My cousin got me a position at a local health-food store where she had been working. I was really excited to join the Coffee/Juice Bar team there. In addition to this job, a friend from college had offered me another job that was selling ad space at a local newspaper. I could make this work, I thought. So, I began working two jobs and commuting back to my university twice a week to finish classes.
I somehow managed to juggle two jobs and commuting to school, but the stress of it all landed me with a little known health condition called ‘Leaky Gut’– which is where your stomach bacteria gets imbalanced and yeast and ‘bad bacteria’ overgrow. The leaky gut issue then caused my immune system to weaken, and I started getting chronic low grade yeast infections. So, there I was in the prime of my youth, more fit and attractive than I would ever be…but I felt simply untouchable and un-dateable. This began to start a panic in me. I had to be dateable. I had to find love. I had to figure out how to heal this.
The good news was that the health-food store had a natural doctor who visited monthly, and who offered something called a ‘biomeridian test’. I learned that a biomeridian machine measures the electric frequency of the disease in your body. Then, when you know the frequency you can match it with a homeopathic medicine to heal yourself. I learned that ‘leaky gut’ was often caused by bad diet and stress, which was basically my entire college experience. I was offered a special homeopathic medicine to treat it. This was fascinating to me, a new paradigm of healing. I became intrigued by the field of natural medicine. There was so much to learn about the energetic vibrations of illnesses and the corresponding frequencies used to cancel out the diseases. This also led me to the healing sound frequencies, aka sound healing. The idea of vibrations, energy, and frequencies opened up the whole new world for me, and I was hooked. Finally, here was something that could help me find peace and healing.
Through all this stress and chaos, I had also developed the emotional condition that wasn’t talked about much at that time—Anxiety. It’s very common today to admit one has anxiety, but back in 1999 it was like admitting you couldn’t deal with life. I kept it hidden, clueless as to what was happening to me. If the doctors knew, it would go on my medical history and that could affect my reputation or even my job. This type of thing had to be dealt with privately; that was my experience at the time.
All this uncertainty and chaos of my life created a sense of uneasiness inside my heart. It made for the perfect circumstances for me to accept relief any place I could find it.
Having turned away from Jesus, I had no protection from any curses or witchcraft…so my reaction was to control all these lamentable events on my own. This need for control was about to lead me inch by inch into the occult. I never saw my journey as a dark one, but instead was seeking healing and peace. The false face of the new-age with all its ‘love and light’ promised to deliver me, and so I trusted it.