Chapter 7: Law of Attraction Sorcery
“But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.” –1 Tim. 6:9–10
After Tommy and I parted, I didn’t think about him for a while. Much to my surprise, my wrists had healed a little bit. I was able to do daily tasks, but still could not use the computer due to carpel tunnel pain. I also couldn’t do any repetitive task with my wrists, like cleaning or scrubbing.
Even though my future looked bleak, I kept trying to find work my body could handle, and my perseverance paid off. I had managed to find a job as a nanny for a really great family, and because of this I was able to move out of my mom’s house to live with a friend. I knew it wasn’t a long term career plan, but I was just grateful to not be a ‘loser’ living with her parent.
However, shortly after I started the nanny job I began having another serious health problem. The domino effect had started again, and this time I wasn’t even surprised. I had learned to accept my fate, and my depression only deepened. I had somehow contracted a virus called Epstein Barr, and it felt like I had the flu for several months. Working as a nanny, I didn’t have insurance so I consulted several natural doctors. They diagnosed me with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and told me that there wasn’t any real cure for this because it was an autoimmune disorder. I researched natural treatments and medical model treatments as well. Nothing helped. Thankfully, I was able to keep my job because I only worked every other week for the family I helped, and living with a roommate meant rent was cheap. Working every other week allowed me to rest enough to trudge through my life.
After a few months of having no energy to even walk some days, I discovered that acupuncture seemed to give me energy in my legs to move. The virus seemed to settle in my legs for some reason. So, I was pretty relieved to have found something that could keep me working. Each week, I would get sessions at a discount because I had known the practitioner from back when we worked together at the natural foods store. I also started practicing Tai Chi as well, because I was told it worked similarly to acupuncture. God would later convict me of any practice involving harnessing my chi, or universal life force.
Around this time, I had also stumbled upon the movie called ‘The Secret’. This is a movie originally based off a book discussing The Law of Attraction. To sum it up, the movie asserts that humans have the power to create good things in our own lives by focusing our intent on good things happening, instead of bad. Well, I knew the Bible had talked a bit about this, so I was interested in hearing more. The Bible teaches we need to focus on God and draw near to Him, focus on all things good and not evil. In contrast, the law of attraction presented in the ‘Secret’ says that if we desire something enough, the universe would provide it for us. It all hinges on our willpower or belief in our own ability to ‘manifest’ what we want in life. At first blush, this sounded similar to the Christian belief of having faith. The concept of sowing and reaping was found in the Bible, so I thought that this was the same thing. The Bible teaches us to work hard and we will reap what we sow, so when I learned about the law of attraction I thought that it meant that If I worked hard, I would get what I needed in life. However, nowhere in The Secret was there a mention of God’s will. God was replaced by the ‘Universe’ (I had no clue what that meant) and God’s will for my life was replaced by my own personal will. I had all the power to be the grand ‘creator’ of my own life, bowing down to no one else. The power was mine. I was inspired by this, and I set about to start manifesting a better life for myself. Clearly, it was my own fault that I had a dysfunctional childhood and had chosen to focus on the pain instead of the possibilities in life. I had to refocus only on good and lovely things (which again is Biblical to focus on God and let Him bring you peace), so I thought I was doing what the Bible said in a way. It worked somewhat in that I felt I had the mental power to get through this autoimmune disorder. I would not let this disease beat me down. I would keep fighting.
The law of attraction helped me to stay positive in my thinking and strong willed, but it also put the burden of my entire life on my own shoulders..and the weight of this was enormous.
The law of attraction told me I had the power to ‘manifest’ things into my life, but I didn’t see that this was just old fashioned sorcery at the time. Creating things out of thin air from sheer willpower is the heart of sorcery, but since it was couched in the terms of positive thinking and mental power, it sailed past my radar. I had been conditioned to believe in the power of my mind to ‘create’ so I readily accepted this doctrine as compatible with my Christian upbringing.
At this point, my belief in God and the existence of Satan were still there, but I was only praying for specific outcomes or things that I wanted. I treated God like my own personal genie who was obligated to bring me everything I wanted in life. If I had enough faith, God would grant my wishes.
During this time in my life, I never renounced Jesus. Instead, I just added each new bit of esoteric wisdom to my belief system, thinking I was finding the ‘true’ Jesus instead of what I considered to be the boring version of Christianity taught in most churches at the time. The ‘Universe’ was seen as an addition to Jesus somehow, a lovely place that conspired to help me. The universe was a place that was full of guardian angels and other lovely entities like spirit guides, entities that wanted to show me the truth. I never suspected the ‘Universe’ would be lying to me or have a nefarious agenda. It seemed silly, fear based, and ‘low vibrational’ to think that way.
After a year of managing my autoimmune, it actually did go into remission. Of course, I attributed this to my spiritual path instead of thanking God. I had created this improvement all on my own, and so I celebrated my own perseverance. In fact, if anyone other than me got credit for the healing, it was the doctors in the natural health realm. They had saved me from my illness, not God. God rewarded me because I helped myself; that was how I thought of it. I had worked so hard to learn everything I could about healing myself through herbs, homeopathics, flower essences, yoga, reiki energy channeling, and even tarot cards to give me hope for a better future. I regarded all of it as innocent natural health practices, and I never suspected it was dangerous in any way. I tried anything I could get my hands on to heal my body and my childhood pain that everyone told me was causing my health problems.
It was up to me to reverse all the trauma and begin to rewire my brain to be happy. Nowhere in all this was there mention of asking God for help or trusting in His grand plan for my life. That way of thinking was old fashioned. I was young and had my whole life ahead of me. I felt very lucky indeed, because many people don’t recover. I felt as if I had stumbled onto the secret loophole to solving my problems. I had the power inside myself to change my life, and I didn’t have to ask a higher power like God to do that for me. This lie gradually took away God’s authority over my life, and led me to much more dangerous waters.
After having more energy, I began to date again. Interestingly enough, my first action to restore my sensuality as a woman was to attempt a reconciliation with my long lost first-love from college, James. Something in me wanted to have closure, and to figure out if there was any chance to salvage all we had. I still hadn’t managed to move on from him, and I wondered if maybe there was still something I needed to heal in my past.
One night I was feeling particularly bold, so I decided to reach out to James and we began to talk a bit on the phone. He actually ended up visiting me a few times, and we tried to rekindle what we had so long ago, but something didn’t feel quite right for both of us, and what’s more James was having a difficult time understanding my health issues with the summer heat. However, even though it wasn’t a good fit, I still wanted him to want me. I hated rejection from men, so it was a harsh blow to my self-esteem to have James unable to accept my health problems. Painful as that was, this rejection was also the closure I had been searching for. It was done now, finished. I had been hurt too many times by him, and now I definitely didn’t want to romanticize our past anymore. We decided to remain friends this time around, and that felt like progress. Neither of us felt good about the acrimonious break up many years ago. At least now, we could call each other every now and then to catch up on life.
Even though I felt better from having closure, the aftershock of reopening the first-love wound was still affecting me. I felt vulnerable and rejected all over again. I needed to feel validated somehow. So, Months later when I met at a woman at a coffee shop who seemed to be flirting with me, I jumped at the chance to be admired. I had been feeling unattractive due to all my ‘high maintenance’ health issues, and I felt like a woman would understand me better than a man, and she did. She had her own health concerns, and so it seemed like a good fit. We dated casually for a few months, but weren’t really each other’s types so we parted as friends.
Even though I knew I wasn’t gay, I was still drawn to women at this time because they represented a safe place for me–somewhere I felt I wouldn’t get hurt again. God would later show me that His plan for my life didn’t include being with women, but back then I didn’t understand that. Back then, I thought if I had a feeling or desire in my heart then it must mean that it was somehow part of who I was, part of my identity. I would later learn that Satan plants thoughts and desires in our hearts to confuse us, and that part of the journey back to Jesus is learning how this spiritual warfare works.
After that, I tried dating a couple men in attempt to raise my self-confidence. I still felt I had to hide my health issues from men though, and on top of that I was still having problems with recurrent yeast infections. Sexual intimacy was very difficult for me, all things considered. At the time, I didn’t fully understand the impact my sexual abuse had on my love life, and how it created confusion in my heart.
It was also around this time that I began studying the tarot cards, partly because I wanted to know if there was anything better in store for my life other than constantly fighting health issues, and partly because I had always been drawn to the world of the unseen. As a kid, I loved movies about fantasy and unicorns, anything make believe really. I had loved the Harry Potter movies as well. Silly as it seemed, I ardently dreamed about studying magical arts like Harry Potter did. If I could control the chaos in my life, then I could finally achieve some peace. What’s more, even though I was fascinated by witchcraft, I didn’t really view the Tarot cards as fitting into that category. Instead, I felt the ancient symbols unlocked the hidden inner wisdom with which I had been born. I felt we all had an inner wisdom from our higher self, or soul. In this way, I felt Tarot was compatible with any religion. I didn’t even know how deceived I was, or that these ancient symbols were creating a sort of spiritual entryway to allow demons into my life.
Even though I didn’t suspect the tarot cards to be demonic back then, I still felt I had to hide my new hobby from the general public. I didn’t want my employer to find out I was studying the tarot, for instance. I could get discriminated against and fired. Living in the Bible belt, I always felt an oppressive judgmental mindset from people about religions other than Christianity. While I still identified as a Christian, I was quick to distinguish myself from the other ‘Christians’ I knew. I was not that kind of believer; I knew the bigger picture. Looking back, this was the beginning of my slow growing hatred for true Christianity.
The tarot cards gave my life a whole new direction. I finally had something that helped with my anxiety. I could find out what the future was, and I could help others on the same token. I had dreams of being a ‘Tarot Counselor’ someday too. Maybe this was a way I could do something more with my life than be a nanny. As much as it brought me happiness, I was also feeling embarrassed that I didn’t have a more impressive career. I knew I should be grateful to work at all, but I wanted more. I also truly wanted to help people. Being a tarot reader or ‘counselor’, I could help others to unlock their inner wisdom to solve their personal problems. This really appealed to me, the belief had to do with a Higher Self, the soul that had been sent down to earth from the heavenly realms with all the information about our lives and future. This higher self knew the best way for us to live our lives, it knew our destiny. I never once thought this belief was incompatible with God or Jesus, because I felt Jesus wanted me to connect to my higher self and He wanted to empower me in this way. I would learn years later, that the higher self was just another lie from Satan.
However, for the time being I thought I was discovering my true identity. I studied the Tarot, and even got into runes for divination. I enjoyed the feeling of being a mystical wise woman, and my confidence in this new identity began to form. Soon after studying tarot, I began to feel more mystical in general. I felt drawn to night sky more, and felt the moon was calling to me in a way..drawing me near. One night driving home from work, I looked up at the full moon and it suddenly seemed larger than life to me. I did a double take. It was as if the moon was trying to communicate to me in some way. I became increasingly fascinated by lunar power and the effect it had on me. I started reading about moon sign astrology, and found that I was a Scorpio Moon. I would later learn that this is exactly how the occult draws people in.
After having these mystical experiences, I began to think of Tommy again… and remembered that he was also a Scorpio. He was a sun sign Scorpio though, which was a bit different than my moon sign. He was more controlled in his passions and emotion, whereas I was more erratic and impulsive. Either way, knowing we had this shared trait felt like a sign. He always accepted me, I remembered. Being a Scorpio was an intense thing in the world of astrology. It meant I was innately gifted with psychic powers and awareness that others had to work twice as hard at achieving. This also meant that I had a special ability to sense others emotions and intentions–All LIES. I had always known I was different, and this was an important piece of the puzzle to me at the time. I really felt as if I were discovering my true identity, but what I was really discovering was Satan’s identity for me.
God would show me many years later that astrology is yet another idol that takes away from God showing us our true identity. Putting our faith in anything other than the Lord results in this deception. The problem I see now is that God has an identity for us, and so does satan. We have to choose wisely, and I had no clue about the war for our souls at that time.