Chapter 8: The Illusion of Wicca
“And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.”–Revelation 12:9
Intrigued by the Law of Attraction, I began to dive deeper into Tarot cards and eventually Wicca. All of these ideas were like gateways to my eventual descent into witchcraft. I was hungry for more control in my life, and I felt that divination was where I could find that.
The turning point for my interest in Wicca was upon discovering a book called The Mists of Avalon. I loved the ideas presented–the notion that I was connected to this divine feminine path. It felt very healing after my childhood trauma. Somehow, I could be elevated up and away from men and their anger and abuse. I wanted so badly to be a Goddess, to have the power to control things and if I could do that…no one would ever hurt me. These were the powerful lies I believed. The lies drove me deeper into what I thought would be a safe haven, but what turned out to be oppressive spiritual bondage.
It was also around this time, that one of my college friends Tim and his new boyfriend Ryan had decided to move to Seattle, Washington. They were living in a great place near downtown, and Tim wanted me to move up there with them. I was elated! The very thought of being able to get out of Oklahoma, escape the oppressive heat, and leave my past behind to start over again…well it had me on cloud nine. I also learned there was a large Wiccan community up in the Pacific Northwest. It reminded me of the Mists of Avalon, and it seemed mysterious and full of promise, and I felt drawn to move there. I was of course nervous about what I had started to refer to as ‘the moving curse’, but I thought maybe the third time would really be the charm.
The idea of having such a free-spirited adventure raised my self-confidence, and made me feel better about where my life was headed. I felt optimistic for the first time in a long time, and somehow I couldn’t stop thinking about Tommy. We had initially met when I was feeling down and out, and so maybe I could reach out to him with a happier disposition this time around. I realized how much I missed our talks, and if I was going to move far away from home he was a friend I could rely on no matter the distance.
Maybe it was okay that he was a Christian, and maybe I was just scared by how much he cared for me, I thought. So, I decided to break the silence and brave his possible rejection. I picked up the phone and called him. He still had the same number! Of course, most people did now that cell phones were the norm. He was happy to hear from me, and we had another one of our marathon talking sessions. All felt right with the world again. We steered clear of talking about the Bible thankfully, and he forgave me for getting nervous about everything to do with his visit. In short, we were friends again. I told him all about what was happening in my life, and he told me about the girls he was dating. He was dating a few, but didn’t seem serious about them at all.
I told him all about my plan to be a Tarot Counselor, but in that he didn’t seem enthused. He actually warned me about the spiritual danger of it. He was the first person to warn me. My family didn’t even do that. It didn’t bother me that Tommy was worried, and I didn’t get offended that he warned me. I just thought he was being old-fashioned, so I proceeded to tell him why the Tarot wasn’t dabbling in occult realms. I told him all about the inner wisdom of the soul and subconscious. I told him about the higher self’s knowledge that we simply needed to unlock, kind of like hypnotism. All lies I believed at the time. I told him that we had the answers we were seeking, but needed a tool to help us unlock them. He listened patiently and didn’t judge me. I was so happy we could be friends again. He told me about his own spiritual path, and how he had taken up the spiritual practice of yoga. He was really excited about how it was helping his back, due to an old injury he had. He didn’t feel yoga was in conflict with the Bible, and neither did I at that time.
Soon after our talk, I decided to move out of my apartment and back into my mom’s house to save up for the trip to Seattle. I put in two month’s notice at my nanny job to give them time to find a replacement, and I began the process of unraveling my life for the third time. I was going to Seattle without a job, but I had registered with the professional nanny agencies up there and I felt confident I would get a placement.
Things seemed to be progressing smoothly, and a week before the trip, my friends even threw me a bon-voyage party. Towards the end of the party, I had the idea that everyone should do energy work on my car to bless it for safe travel. This is where they would put their hands over my car and imbue it with psychic energy and blessings from their spirit. I was very concerned about my car breaking down, so I wanted all my loved ones to bless it. Since I didn’t have a church or anyone to lay hands on me, I thought this was the same kind of practice. It seemed like I was making my own kind of church culture after all. I had also decided to purchase a Moonstone pendant at the local metaphysical shop, because I had read that Moonstone protected the traveler as well. I felt safe with this stone in my pocket or on my necklace, my own personal good luck charm. I didn’t realize yet that laying hands on objects and expecting them to be blessed by our own power is nothing short of sorcery. I thought it was fine because it was all ‘divine energy’, but I failed to understand that the devil appears as an angel of light to get us to lean to our own understanding of what God is. So divine energy is not Jesus.
In order to get ready for my new life in Seattle, I had been diligently studying the Tarot and Runes, to learn the art of divination. Absorbing myself in my magical studies became a big priority to me, as I was attempting to memorize all the ancient symbols and meanings of the occult world.
As the days ticked down to my departure, I was finalizing all the details of the trip. Thankfully, a friend had agreed to ride with me, so I wasn’t as nervous as I would have been if I were going alone. I was upset, however, that I had to leave my cat behind. It would only be temporary until I got settled, but I loved my cat like a family member.
Finally the day before the trip arrived just like any other, and nothing special happened. I said goodbye to some friends, and I fell asleep excited about all the amazing things in store for me in Seattle. However, half-way through the night I was abruptly awakened. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, but the first thing I noticed was that I was lying on my stomach, and my cat was seated on my back, frozen like a statue.
I noticed small dark shadows scurrying up the wall near the head of my bed. I became frightened, but then I looked to my right and saw a giant figure bathed in white light.
I should have been more concerned about a giant man in my bedroom, but at the time I assumed because the being was bathed in white light that it was an angel. I didn’t like the situation, but for some reason I quickly fell back asleep. The next morning, I thanked my cat for protecting me, and I felt God had appointed her to be some sort of angelic safeguard for me. I became very superstitious in my thinking, and began to to wonder if perhaps cats were my spirit animal. I had also recently found myself being drawn to crows , and I began to idolize these animals as wise and powerful beings that could somehow see into the spirit realm. I didn’t see this as a deception yet, but I would soon.
Little did I know, but I was about to enter a very dark period of my life…and it was going to look like a dazzling white light the whole way down into the pit.