Chapter 9: Deeper into the Occult
“These people have exchanged God’s truth for a lie. So they have become ungodly and serve what is created rather than the Creator.”–Romans 1:25
The trip to Seattle went seamlessly, and my car performed like a dream. I attributed this to all the positive energy my friends had placed onto the car, and the good wishes they had for my happiness and safety. It honestly meant a lot to me then. During the drive, I clutched and rubbed my moonstone frequently, letting it absorb all my hopes and psychic vibrations. This was my first amulet—an object that I was told had powerful psychic protection. Back then, I thought objects could protect me.
Within weeks of my arrival, I had managed to find a good paying nanny job. I was staying at Tim and Ryan’s house rent-free, and commuting into a place called Mercer Island every day for work. Tim’s house was located near a lake where they had house boats, much like in the movie Sleepless in Seattle. We were living very near downtown, and everything felt so glamorous. Things were going well on the surface and I felt very proud of where I was in life. I had a job and a place to live, and I was remaking my story into a better one.
As wonderful as things were, I couldn’t seem to relax enough at night and I was struggling with some intense insomnia for the first couple weeks. Not sure what to do, I spotted an audio Cd at the record store with music promising to relax my brain waves. It had a lot of research behind it, and said that it could cure insomnia. Eager for relief, I began to listen to the music before bedtime, and found that it worked immediately! I felt like it lulled me into a nice trance state so I could finally relax. I never once wondered if a trance state could be dangerous in any way, although now I know otherwise.
Overall, I believed Seattle was taking care of me, and that I was somehow supposed to be there…that it was part of my ‘path’. I felt alive there, like the very earth itself was welcoming me. I had begun to notice all the beautiful crows that inhabited the city, they were everywhere. Some people thought they were creepy or a downright nuisance, but I somehow felt they were calling to me. Maybe they were my ‘spirit animal’ I wondered. This was the start of my shaman beliefs in revering nature as divine. This would eventually drive me to deeper levels of deception.
One day, as I was walking up to the front porch of the house I spotted something dark and iridescent in the grass. I leaned down to get a closer look, and it was a crow feather. It was directly in my path, and I felt clearly that this meant something. The crows were showing me the way, that they were somehow protecting me and looking out for me. My little crow angels, that’s how I felt about them. I had read that crows were called ‘seers’ in Native American spirituality. Crows could see between the two worlds, the realms. This really clicked with me at that time, and I felt so blessed that day, as if the universe were shining down gifts upon me.
I had begun to think of God in the term of ‘the universe’ because the capitol ‘G’ God seemed so judgmental to me at the time. Viewing God in nature seemed more relatable and human. I didn’t want to be judged as a ‘sinner’, I just wanted to be happy and follow my dreams. It seemed that Christians were always condemning everyone and keeping the world from just letting go and being fully alive. What a drag Christians were to me at that time. They didn’t see God as I did. They didn’t see the beauty and mystical power of it all. I began to wonder about the ‘goddess’ and what this concept was all about. Maybe God was the same as the ‘goddess’, a feminine face to God. I remember visiting the library and checking out a book about Wicca at that time. It seemed the ‘goddess’ was calling to me. It was a sense of embracing my femininity and not letting my childhood abuse define me anymore. God-dess wanted me to heal and celebrate myself. Maybe I could be a free-spirit who did as she pleases and let go for once, instead of always remembering the pain.
The lies and deception were beginning to harden my heart to the Lord, and I became convinced that I was finding the Truth of what God truly was. I could do as I pleased, and I didn’t want any religion or person telling me otherwise. Little did I know, but I was playing right into the the satanic motto–‘Do as thou Wilt’. Creating my own version of God was exactly what satanism taught.
On the surface, my life in Seattle was impressive. However, I had begun to have trouble with my roommate Tim. We seemed to clash constantly. One night, we had gotten into a fight and I was very upset. I remember going to bed thinking some really dark thoughts. I felt like my life would never amount to anything, and that I would always feel empty inside. Hot tears were streaming down my cheeks, and I felt helpless again. I would never be able to be free. My past would always haunt me and whisper that I would never be good enough. The thoughts started to berate me again, just like they did when I was a little girl. “You’re never going to be happy, you’re NOT okay, and you’re NOT SAFE.”
That’s when it happened, suddenly in front of my eyes I saw a face appear. It was hovering above me, like a pulse of vibrating white light. I couldn’t discern the features, but I remember the hair was like electric wind..flowing before my eyes. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I immediately felt calm, and blissful. The healing was moving all throughout my very being, and I knew I was seeing the Goddess.
Seeing this vision seemed like a confirmation that I was on the right path. I didn’t know at the time, but this was the beginning of my getting spiritually attacked. I was soon about to experience a whole different face of the new age. Wiccans called it the dark face of the Goddess. The devil did not exist, they said. How wrong they were.
At this point, I had been in Seattle for a few month’s time, and the holidays were in full swing. It was nearing Christmas, and Tim and Ryan were out of town to visit their family. Having just arrived in Seattle, I didn’t have the money to fly back home so I offered to pet sit their dog and 2 cats at the house. I was a little nervous to be alone on the holidays so far away from home, but I was determined to tough it out. One night in particular I was feeling very anxious.
I remember arriving home late after work, and as I entered the front door I immediately felt uneasy. I felt as if something was there with me in the room, but I quickly dismissed it as paranoia. Then, out of nowhere I heard a voice inside my mind, and it was somehow urging me to walk towards the kitchen knives. Something in the voice wanted me to cut myself with the knives, and suddenly it was as if I didn’t have control over my own actions. It was as if a powerful force was pulling me towards the knives…even though I didn’t want to hurt myself.
Something seemed to be urging me to slice my wrists with the knives. I suddenly became terrified of the knives, as I felt I didn’t have control over myself. It was as if something was drawing me, pulling me towards them…even though I didn’t want to hurt myself.
I was terrified and repulsed at the same time. I would never do anything like that. Having been had raised by a mom who talked about spiritual warfare, I knew the devil could hijack our minds. So, when this was happening I knew immediately that this was not my own thought. I knew I needed to rebuke this voice in Jesus’s name. I rebuked the attack out loud: “In Jesus Christ’s name, satan flee”—just like my mom had taught me all those years ago.
The voice was gone immediately, but I still felt rattled. I went to my room and shut the door. The gray cat had been napping on my bed, so that comforted me. I felt cats could somehow protect me then. The thought about the knives didn’t come back, but a new thought seemed to have control of my mind now. It was this sense that I didn’t have control over myself, and that I couldn’t trust my mental state. I felt compelled to get in the car and drive to a mental institution, declare myself insane. I couldn’t seem to get this thought out of my head, and I had never had a thought even close to this in my life.
However, I just felt like something was trying to exert control over my mind, and MAKE me take myself to an institution—this thought didn’t come from my head! I tried to rebuke it, but this time it wouldn’t work.
Terrified, I called my mom to see if she could save me. Our relationship had not been good for many years, so calling her was a last resort. She didn’t know what to do, and she herself had drifted away from God into the new age as well. She tried to calm me down, but it wasn’t helping, and as usual I just felt worse after talking to her. We had drifted apart after her second divorce, and she had been dating this man I didn’t’ get along with, so our relationship was not the usual anchor it had been for me in my childhood years. She used to be my safe place, but now I was totally alone.
I was feeling isolated and more scared than I had ever been, so I finally decided to call the only true Christian I knew at that time–Tommy. He answered immediately..like he was waiting for me, or knew I needed him.
“How are you Jen?, he asked with such sweetness.”
We talked on the phone for a bit, and I began to feel better. I was so relieved. Then, something happened that I deemed was a sign from God at the time. We both had our radios turned on (back then before Ipods, people actually listened to the radio at home), and my favorite song started playing on both our radios: ‘High and Dry’ by Radiohead.
We both sat there speechless…we couldn’t believe it. This song had deep relevance to me, and he knew all about it. You see, the first year I was away from home in the college dormitory, I was really lonely and was experiencing crippling depression. I would get home from classes, grab dinner, and play a VHS video of Tom York, the lead singer from the band Radiohead, playing this song on MTV–120 minutes. A friend at university who knew of my love for this song, and had gifted me this VHS. Every night, I would watch this video in the common room of the dorm hall and eat my pizza bagel from the campus deli. I would settle in with my bagel, and press the play button. Each night, this song would move me to tears. ‘High and Dry’ was the story of my childhood, the pain of loneliness and trauma, but somehow when Tom would sing…he made the pain beautiful. Somehow, it was something I could get through, some badge of honor. I didn’t have to heal it, just let it be part of me..let the pain become part of my identity. That’s how I understood trauma before Jesus.
So, when this seminal song began to play, it was amazing enough…but then to have it playing simultaneously on my friend Tommy’s radio, who lived a million miles away on the east coast…well that seemed like nothing short of a miracle.
To me, it cemented our bond. I felt like Tommy was meant to be in my life somehow. He stopped the spiritual attacks in my mind, and pulled me out of the abyss. I wasn’t leaning on Jesus; Instead, I was putting my faith in Tommy.
I gave all the power to Tommy, and leaned on that experience as evidence he was supposed to be in my life.