Chapter 13: Someone I Couldn’t Resist

 Chapter 13:  Someone I Couldn’t Resist

“As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, to play the harlot after them, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.”–Leviticus 20:6

The night before my departure from Seattle, James and I decided to grab a movie from the library up the street.  A relaxing evening indoors sounded like the perfect anodyne to all the hectic cleaning and moving we had been doing.  I had sold my furniture on Craigslist, and gave the rest away.  It pained me to have to give the expensive portable air-conditioner away, but it hadn’t sold on craigslist and I couldn’t fit it in my car. Fortunately, I was able to gift it to Fawn and Jerry, who said they could really use it.  I felt good giving it to Fawn, after all I felt she had done for me.

James and I had packed everything else we could into my 4 door Saturn, which he was going to drive back to Oklahoma.  The only items left in the apartment were the bed and a futon chair, where James had been sleeping.  We were pretty beat from all the packing, so we were happy to eat some take-out, drink some wine, and watch a nice movie so we could rest up before the long day of travel ahead of us.

We were having a nice time that night, but after the movie James began acting differently.  I wasn’t sure what was wrong.  Still in the dark about his involvement in dark magic, I just figured maybe we had too much wine and he was getting melancholy.    I looked at him, question marks on my face.  He then turned to me with a serious expression and declared he had some unresolved feelings for me.  “Michal, I think you’re my soul-mate,” he said as he looked into my eyes pleading me for an answer.  I sat there stunned, staring at him with a blank expression on my face.  This was the moment I had hoped for, but 10 years too late, I thought.  I sat there, frozen, wishing I could feel the same way I did all those years ago.  Instead, all I felt was numb this time.  I had nothing more to give him.  So, I told him honestly that I just couldn’t trust him after the cheating.  He would always be the love of my life, but I hoped we would both find our true soul mates.  He seemed to understand, but it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.  We decided to turn in early that night, and ended the evening with an awkward but calm silence.

As I tried to go to sleep, I kept tossing and turning.  Something about James’s feelings really rattled me.  You see, the past month I had been silently praying for God to send me someone, my true love, someone I couldn’t resist.  I had been reading the tarot cards about it too.  I had been really focused on the universe sending me someone who could break the chains of feeling so physically unappealing and emotionally closed off.  I felt that I needed a man who could woo me so skillfully, that I would not run away when I got scared.  Was James’s declaration of love the answer from the ‘universe’?  It didn’t feel quite right, and I didn’t feel my heart move for him this time, as it did many years ago.  The magic was gone.  In its place, there was a deep sadness at the lack of feeling.  What was going to happen to me now? , I wondered.  I worried if I was ever going to trust someone enough to be able to truly love again.

I didn’t want to be like the woman in my past life, so broken-hearted from love that she gave up on life.  Dying of a broken heart was a tragic way to go, I thought.  Unfortunately, I believed this past life vision was the truth, and that it was from God.  

Then and there, I silently prayed that I could find someone who would awaken me into a real woman again, someone I found irresistible, someone who could break the curse.  Maybe the universe would send me a man who could help me open up and heal my own sexuality.  Maybe true love could even heal the low grade yeast infections.  I needed to feel like a sexual being again, at least that’s what the world taught me about being a woman.  I had no clue that Jesus was the true healing that I desperately needed.  

The next day went as planned, and James drove me and my cat off to the airport.  The sight of him standing there as I pre-boarded the plane brought back all the old feelings, but it also brought back all the old betrayal.  He had cheated on me back then, and we had a dysfunctional relationship to say the least.  I was finally ready for something more, maybe that’s what the past life session was all about.  I no longer wanted a painful kind of love.  I wanted something better than that.

Out of nowhere, I suddenly had a powerful thought about Tommy, and I wondered what he was doing.   He left a mark on my heart, an impression of a different type of love that could be out there waiting for me.  The only problem was that I kept having the nagging thought that I wasn’t good enough for a man like Tommy.  He was so handsome, the kind of guy I had only seen in movies.  You know, the movies about the perfectly chiseled guy who lived near the ocean, the guy who spends most of his life shirtless, wearing only a shark’s tooth necklace.  Tommy was that fantasy for me.  He had the perfect tan, and he seemed in every respect.. well…perfect.  I always thought of myself as attractive, but even so Zane just seemed out of my league for some reason.  I wasn’t a beach-bod kind of gal.

Yet, I still found my thoughts going back to Tommy.  I felt drawn closer and closer to him.  Could he really be the one in the vision? I thought.  James didn’t look anything like the man in the vision, but Tommy truly did.  My deepest longing was to experience the kind of love where the man would fight for me, not run away when things got rough.  For all the love I had with James, I still felt that he wasn’t as strong of a man as I wanted.  He cheated on me, and then couldn’t deal with my heat issues.  I needed a man who was a fighter, a warrior.

I prayed God would send me a hero—someone strong enough that I couldn’t resist him.  Maybe this would be enough to break the past life curse, and I could feel like a real woman again.

The problem was that because I had turned my back on the true God of Jehovah, I had been unknowingly worshipping Satan, the ‘god’ of this world.  Anytime we dabble in witchcraft, we are out of God’s will. 

Praying for something out of God’s will invites Satan’s will in our lives.  There are two choices:  Serving Jesus or Serving Satan.  One brings Everlasting Life and one brings Eternal Death. 

 

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