Chapter 15: Love Addiction
“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”–1 John 2:16
It was around this time of my life that I met a man named Edward. I had been reading the tarot cards every day to inquire about the true identity of my soul-mate, and I felt truly ready to find the man from the vision I had received many years ago. This vision had left me with many questions in my heart, and I needed to know if the man I saw was truly Tommy or perhaps someone else.
Up to this point, I hadn’t done many tarot readings on my own love life because I didn’t trust that I would get an objective answer. I had tried before, but each time I got nonsensical results. However, after the past-life session with my ancestors, my psychic powers were growing more powerful. I knew I was ready to take my readings to the next level and read for my love life, so I sat down and began. Each time I shuffled the cards, they would show one specific image, one card called The Chariot. It was the card linked to the astrological sign of Cancer, and it had a lot of meanings. Each time I asked the cards the same question: “What do I need to know about the identity of my soul-mate?” Each time, the cards would reveal the image of the Chariot. The Chariot card was a picture of the hero I had been hoping for, someone who would whisk me away to a new life, a champion who would fight for me and adore me. I wanted a man who was really into me, and maybe a tiny bit obsessed with me.
I wanted to be worshiped, exalted as someone’s whole world. Of course, I didn’t see any problems with this way of thinking at the time. The world taught me to value love as the ‘end all, be all’, and that’s exactly what I did.
Weeks later, I met a girl named Zoe at a party. We began to chat a bit, when out of nowhere she exclaimed that she wanted to set me up with someone. His name was Edward, and she felt sure that we would ‘hit it off’. She just felt like she should connect us, she told me with an air of mystery. I was open to a set-up, but I wanted to meet him first, which she thought was a great idea.
The next weekend, a few friends and I met Zoe up at a local bar to get some drinks. We were having a great time, when Zoe announced that we should move the party over to a new dance spot down the street. Once there, Zoe led us to the back of the club where there was an interesting private room with furniture built into the wall. The places to sit were also lit up with fluorescent bulbs inside them, and it was all very postmodern and hip. Being that Myspace was taking over the social scene at that time, we began to take some sultry ‘selfies’ of each other, determined to post some cute pictures on our pages.
At that very moment, a man walked up to Zoe and the two began to talk very close to one another. This man was very tall, with sandy brown shoulder length hair. He had on a long oversized green shirt and baggy jeans. I didn’t think much of him at the time, as he looked like what is generally referred to as a ‘club kid’ or ‘raver’, and that wasn’t the kind of guy I was into. When I was in high school, I had found this look appealing, but I was a bit too old for that now that I was in my early 30s. Then suddenly, as if he were reading my thoughts, the tall man looked at me for a split second out of the corner of his eyes. I caught my breath. There was something intriguing about him, about his eyes and the way he looked at me. A few seconds later, he was gone. He had left the club. Zoe told me later that this man was Edward.
Weeks went by, when one day I received a friend request from a man named Edward. It turned out to be Zoe’s friend from the other week, and I immediately got a buzzy feeling in my stomach when I decided to accept his request. A few hours later, he sent me a message and began to flirt with me. He just had a way with words, and somehow just messaging with him really revved me up. I would later call him a ‘silver-tongued seducer’, but for the moment all I knew was that I felt giddy. It was amazing feeling something like this again. I hadn’t felt any ‘butterflies’ since James, and that had been over ten years ago. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was already a goner.
After this encounter, I was so hyped up that my mind was racing a million miles an hour, and all I could think about was Edward. He had asked me out on a first date, and I had so many things to do to prepare. I had to choose the perfect outfit—not too dressy, but not too casual. I had to figure out how to do my hair. I wanted to look ‘sexy’ for this man, and that’s not something I usually focused on for a first date. Edward already had a sort of power over me.
The night of our first date rolled around, and much to my surprise I began to have second thoughts. Maybe I shouldn’t go after all, I thought. I was scared to get involved with someone again, and get hurt like I did with James. There I was, all dressed up and ready to meet Edward at the coffee shop, but somehow I felt stuck in indecision.
I finally decided to sit down and do a tarot reading to find the answers.
I used the cards a lot to make life decisions back then, and I never suspected that the ‘wisdom’ they were giving me was demonic. I truly thought the cards gave me ‘divine’ knowledge from God, and I didn’t understand how deceived I was.
As I sat down and shuffled the cards, I began to meditate and clear my mind. I slowly placed each card in a special formation, as was typical with the 9 card spread I used. I carefully flipped each card over, studying the meaning. As I chose the final card, I saw with a sense of awe that it was the Chariot Card—the soul-mate, the hero to my rescue. I knew right then and there that Edward was going to be something more than just a fling, a possible soul-mate. The butterflies came back inside my stomach, and I hurriedly sped out the door to meet him.
Our first date went great, and we couldn’t stop talking. At one point, we even finished each other’s sentence. We had a natural chemistry, and I felt my defenses weaken with every word he spoke. It was as if I couldn’t resist him even if I tried. He was handsome in an offbeat sort of way, just the way I liked. His looks were scruffy and ‘alternative’, one might say. I didn’t know much about him, but I was already hooked. During our date, I asked him what his astrological ‘moon sign’ was, as I was very interested in moon signs then. I falsely believed they revealed the true nature of the person, as opposed to the ‘sun sign’.
Years later, I would realized astrology is Satan’s personality profile for us..and when we are born-again with the Holy Spirit we are regenerated and sanctified into God’s plan for our lives.
Discovering Edward’s moon sign was very important to me then, because I loved believing any myth I could find about true love or soul-mates. I didn’t see any of this in conflict with the Bible, but instead believed that God made someone just for me. When I discovered Edward had the sign of Cancer in his moon placement, my mind began to whir. He was the one, I thought. He was the man from the tarot cards, as The Chariot card was linked to the sign of Cancer. He didn’t have a beard like the man from the dream vision I had years ago, but he did have a small goatee. I rationalized that he could grow a beard if he really wanted to, so he could very well be the man from the vision–my soul mate.
When I got home that night, he called me to say goodnight, and he wanted to tell me something he forgot to say at the coffee shop. He told me he felt that whatever was going to happen between us was “going to be big”. Hearing his words, I knew the wheel of ‘fate’ had begun to turn. Edward and I were meant to play a part, and although I had a growing fear inside me about what that part might be, I couldn’t stop the wheel once it was in motion. The feelings were too strong. I was drawn to him like a magnet. I never stopped to wonder why I couldn’t resist him though.
Since I met Edward weeks before my 33rd birthday, I decided to invite him to the celebration. One of my friends named Angie was also having a birthday the day after mine, and we had decided to throw a joint birthday bash to celebrate. Angie and I had decided to hold our party at a well-known bar and grill that had live music on the weekends. One of our favorite local bands was playing, and we were ready to have a fun time. I got all dressed up with a new outfit, and arrived at the restaurant hoping to see Edward there. I scanned the crowd, but couldn’t locate him. I worried that I had rushed things by inviting him to meet my friends so soon in our relationship.
I joined my table of friends, and tried to relax and have a good time. Thirty minutes ticked by, and still Edward had not arrived. I began to obsess over every little thing I had said and done to possibly cause him to stand me up on my birthday. The maelstrom of my emotions were well hid by my fun party face, as I didn’t want to bring down the mood of the crowd.
Finally, after an hour went by I realized Edward wasn’t coming so I decided to text him. He texted back immediately saying that he had just woken up from a nap, and that he would be there soon. Confused and upset that he would stand me up in front of everyone, I tried to hold it together. I decided I would wait this out. Another thirty minutes went by, and Edward finally arrived. When he walked in the room, all my friends were decidedly unimpressed and were giving him icy stares of disapproval. He immediately slinked over to the corner where I was sitting, looking very uncomfortable. Regardless of the situation, I was happy he showed up though and I had decided it didn’t matter that he was so late. At least I had a date for my birthday, and that was the important thing.
After the party, Edward offered to drive me home. On the drive, we stopped by his apartment for a couple minutes. While at his place, he confessed the reason why he had overslept. “I took some ecstasy last night, and slept it off all day,” he said somewhat sheepishly. I didn’t know until that time that he used recreational drugs. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a Pollyanna then but I thought most men my age had outgrown an habitual use of psychedelics. I began to worry about what I had gotten myself into with this man. My first love James had been really hooked on Robitussin cough syrup in college, and I didn’t want to go through that all over again. I was too old for it. Edward reassured me though that he didn’t take ecstasy that often, and he didn’t really know why he took it the night before. I wanted to believe him, but something didn’t sit well with me. This was not the kind of relationship I was looking for, but something inside me couldn’t let him go. I hadn’t felt anything close to how he made me feel in so long. It was too strong for me to pull away now. I had to let this play out.
I didn’t know it then, but the devil sends people into our lives to draw us further away from God’s Truth. I was about to learn what life was like outside of God’s will. The Lord had turned His face from me to teach me a very valuable lesson. Life without Jesus is a slow crawl towards death, and I was about to learn how dark that crawl really was.