Chapter 17: Fallout

Chapter 17:  Fallout

After dinner with Tommy, I nervously raced over to Edward’s place.  I felt a sense of anxiousness about the entire day, and I wanted to make sure Edward knew I didn’t have any feelings for Tommy, not real ones anyway.  The whole chain of events had helped me realize that Tommy was only meant to be a friend, and that he and I weren’t compatible in so far as a romantic relationship.  We just had too many emotional triggers and similarities. Our connection was psychic and spiritual, and that’s all it could be.

When I knocked on Edward’s door, he let me in and gave me a confused look.  I was being impulsive in showing up to visit him, something I had seen in the movies..but didn’t always go over well in real life.  I entered Edward’s apartment, and he invited me to sit down on the couch.  I immediately began to apologize for the whole situation with Tommy.  Edward still seemed a bit on edge, and I didn’t want him to be mad at me.  I couldn’t lose him.  So I decided to risk it all and tell him that I loved him, which I genuinely meant in the moment.  Back then, love was the same as obsession to me..and I was definitely obsessed with Edward.  However, as soon as I said the ‘L’ word, Edward recoiled.  He told me he couldn’t trust me now, since I confessed my feelings at such an inopportune moment—directly after Tommy tried to kiss me.  Edward felt the timing of my declaration was suspicious.  Now it was my turn to be confused.  Feeling like Edward was always slipping away from my grasp, I started to panic.  I felt a sense of desperation and fear.  I couldn’t lose this man.  I started to say anything I could to convince him my feelings were real, but to no avail.  He asked me to leave immediately.  Devastated, I walked back to my car.  Maybe he would change his mind, I thought.  Maybe this wasn’t the end.

The next few weeks were bad, really hard on me emotionally.  The stress and despair of losing Edward had caused my hair started to fall out in clumps, and I couldn’t seem to think about anything else but the pain.  It was a full-fledged withdrawal from the physical addiction of him.  I didn’t quite know how to function, and all I thought about was him.

The only hope in this darkness was a phone call from Fawn, my Seattle friend.  Fawn told me some good news about a new psychic website she had been using.  This was exactly what I needed, I thought.  A psychic reader could tell me if there was any hope for me and Edward!  I was really excited, and I immediately got on the website to choose the right psychic for me.  I used my spiritual intuition to choose a psychic named Heartwind, and she immediately put me at ease on the phone.  Heartwind told me that Edward truly loved me, and that there was still hope for us.  She told me that Edward had some trust issues from his first love, and that I needed to be patient.  Heartwind said she was an empath who also had the gift of clairaudience.  I learned this meant she could ‘feel’  feelings, and hear thoughts.  She told me the angels gave her this gift, and that she was born with it.

Not knowing anything about what fallen angels were at that time, and that they can mimic the gifts of the Holy Spirit, I believed her.  I thought she was a very powerful lady– a wise woman.  However, the source of her wisdom was from the demonic realm appearing as an angel.  She had been deceived, the same as I had. 

She gave me hope that Edward and I could be together, and that was what my heart wanted most.  The desires of the heart..wasn’t that a Bible verse too I thought?  Sometimes we want pretty lies when we’re in pain, but the true love of Jesus won’t do that.  Jesus gives us the truth, not just what we want to hear.  Fallen angels (demons) will however tell us what we want to hear, and Satan comes to us as everything we’ve ever wanted. 

The enemy has some truth to whisper to us, but it’s mixed in with lies and twisted with darkness.  The minute I believed the psychic, I became a slave to these half truths. 

Heartwind’s prediction turned out to be somewhat true, half true.  Weeks later, Edward contacted me and we finally talked.  I couldn’t believe it!  Maybe things could work between us.  He began to confess to me about about his first love, and how she hurt him.  He told me he was very guarded as a result of this, and had a difficult time trusting others.  I was so glad to hear that my psychic was right, and that there was hope for me and Edward.

However, Edward’s phone call wasn’t all good news.  At the end of the phone call, his mood shifted.  He began to change demeanors again.  He was silent for a while, and then he somberly said:  “I’m not good for you Michal.  If you knew that, you would stay away from me.”  I stood there nervously thinking he was breaking up with me again, but this time he wasn’t.  I told him I loved him no matter what, and that he WAS good for me.  I wanted him to believe in his own goodness.  I wanted to heal him from all his pain.  I thought that’s what love was then.

Edward and I decided to get back together despite his ominous warning that day, and we began dating again.  This time was different, however.  He started revealing his true self this time around, and letting me into his world.   I thought this would be a good thing at first, but eventually the house of cards began to fall.

The next few months began to get confusing.  Edward seemed to be letting me into his heart more, so I was happy with that.  Yet, there was always a struggle going on inside him, a struggle between the two moods he seemed to be in.  One moment he would be sweet and tender, and then the next he would change suddenly and act differently.  One day Edward was in a mood and he turned to me and said :  “I love that you bring out the light in me, but I want to bring out the dark in you.”  I didn’t know what he meant, other than he didn’t like me to be too much of a ‘good girl’, so I definitely had to try to be less of that around him.  I just wanted to please him, that’s what I thought a good girlfriend does.  I would do anything to keep him, and I began to change myself for him so he would love me.  That was the beginning of a new ‘me’ that day.  A darker version of myself.

You would think all this would be grounds to warn me away from this man, but I was too hooked to run away.  Instead, things progressed until summertime rolled around.  I was terrified Edward would leave me when he saw how I couldn’t handle the hot temperatures.  I was nothing without his love, and I didn’t know what I would do if he rejected me.

It turned out my fears were well founded.  When Edward saw my limitations with the hot weather, he began to criticize me for it.  Yet, he found a way to defend himself by blaming it on me.  Suddenly, my world was crashing down all over again.  Edward was leaving me, and I feared no man could ever love me again.  I went through all the same withdrawal symptoms as I had before.  My hair started to fall out more this time, so much so that I had to cut it short to hide the thinning appearance.  I began to have stomach problems, and I couldn’t sleep well.   Weeks went by, and I was miserable.  I decided that I had to prove Edward wrong.  I had to show him that he couldn’t break me.  No man would ever get that satisfaction.  With revenge in my heart, I tried to move on..if only out of spite.

Then something amazing happened in my life.  Through a connection of mine, I landed a job that would change my life and career for years to come.  I wasn’t entirely sure my carpel tunnel could handle this job, but it was worth a try.  I felt so devastated after Edward left me for my health problem that I was determined to prove to him that I could have a good life.  I became obsessed with getting revenge in the form of success.

This was a big time in my life, getting this new job.  I was feeling like all my prayers had finally been answered.  I was able to work a professional job again.  I could have a REAL life.  I could get my own apartment, and didn’t have to rely on living with roommates.  I was in a state of disbelief.  I didn’t expect my wrists to ever heal; I had given up on that years ago.  Some people never heal from carpel tunnel and repetitive stress injuries, and they have to go on disability.  That’s what I thought I would have to eventually do, but then I got a job and I could work again.  I can’t overstate how much this did for my self-worth back then.  I was suddenly my own woman again, independence and all.  I still had the heat issue, but I would just have to work around that.  As long as I could make money, I could deal with the heat problems.

My life was looking up again, and I immediately attributed this to the Map Healing I had been doing, the channeling of spirits.  I felt these spirits had healed me. This was the start down an even darker path in my life. 

Months went by, and I was working hard at my new job.  Edward and I hadn’t spoken or communicated at all.  I was hanging out with my new friends at work instead, and having a great time.  I had actually stopped doing tarot readings for paying clients because I just didn’t have the time in my schedule.  I had some former clients that had become good friends, and occasionally I would do reading for them for a barter trade.

All things considered, life was going well, but of course still obsessed with Edward.  I was very motivated to show him I could be fine without him… even if it was all an act.  I was dating and going out with friends every weekend in those days.  This was another rebound period of my life when my heart was still hooked on my past love, but I was trying to move on.  I dated several men during that time, and I wasn’t emotionally available.  I had to show Edward what he was missing.  I would post alluring photos of all my cute outfits, and just generally try to play the social media game of making him want me back.

Then one day out of the blue, Edward called me and wanted to meet for coffee.  I was elated.  I couldn’t believe it.  This must mean I was worthy of being loved if he still wanted me.  We met for coffee, and he said all the right things again.  I was surprised that I still couldn’t resist his magnetic pull.  Even though I hated him at this point, I still wanted him.  Ignoring the writing on the wall, we ended up agreeing to date again.

However, something was different this time around.  This time, I had a full-time job and some of my dignity had been restored.  I had a life of my own, my first professional job in a long time.  As I dated Edward again, I began to notice just how much our relationship had been draining me.  I began to realize how stressed I was with all of our emotional up and down drama.  How had I not seen that before, I wondered?  I used to thrive on the tumultuousness of our interactions.  Yet, what had once been exciting, now felt cumbersome.  However, this realization alone wasn’t enough to pull me out of my addiction for Edward.

Months went by, and I began to find my identity less in Edward and more in the meaningful work I was doing at my job.  I felt God had called me to be a role model for these teenagers who had been hurt and abandoned by those they trusted, just like I had.  I noticed that every time I spoke words of healing to a teenager, every time I helped inspire a hurting child… it was like I was speaking healing to myself.  I was healing the old hurts from my own childhood by helping others.  I didn’t credit God for this healing because I wanted the credit.  I began to think I had a gift for healing others emotionally, and this became another important part of my identity.  My deep pain from childhood was helping people now.  Suddenly, the need to be recognized and valued by Edward wasn’t nearly as important or rewarding as the need to be recognized at my job, my higher calling as I called it.  I began to notice that if I let Edward take all of my time and attention, then I had little left to give to the teens who needed me.  I slowly began to realize that I would have to choose between my calling as a healer and my addictive yet toxic relationship.

This time I chose to let Edward go.  It wasn’t easy, but I chose kids who needed me.  I chose a higher form of love, a calling to heal.  I was not going to let these kids down.  This felt very empowering to me that I could heal others.  In a way, it was like I was choosing my own inner child—the child who wasn’t protected all those years time, as if I had broken the chains of a lifetime of oppression from abusers.  I would no longer allow someone to make me feel weak or powerless.  This was MY life, and no man would diminish that.

In this way of thinking, I was the god of my life, and it was all within my own power to heal myself and others. This was one of the most damaging lies of the new age for me, and would keep me from calling out to God for many years. 

The next day, I called Edward on the phone and I told him that our relationship had been one long mind-melt, and that I was through with it.  I told him that I had never really been so subservient like I had with him, and I had lost myself… but that I was taking that all back now.  He couldn’t have any more of my dignity.

As I said these words, I felt my power growing.  I was right, and he was wrong.  I was good, and he was most certainly bad.  As I began to feel the righteousness flow through my veins, it was Edward’s response that gave me a startle.  He tone shifted, and he suddenly became submissive.  He began to confide in me about a deep concern he had.  He noticed that after every breakup in his life, the women always said the same thing I did.  They all told him that they just couldn’t think clearly after being in relationship with him…like they had lost themselves and their identity.  I stood there shocked.  I wondered what this all meant.  Was Edward a narcissist, or was something deeper happening?  Was it a mental health concern or a spiritual health issue?  I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was influencing him, something that he had no control over.  I shook it off, and ended the conversation.  At the end of the day, it didn’t matter to me anymore.  I had to stop trying to save Edward, and I wanted no more of this dance under the pale moonlight.  I had to save myself, at least that’s what I thought at the time.

I didn’t realize that nobody can heal or save anyone except Jesus Christ.

Back then, I didn’t take a moment to wonder about my own soul.  I just felt that Edward was the problem.  I could sense darkness in others, but I couldn’t see that it was growing inside of myself as well.  As it grew, I began to become attracted to darker people and pursuits.

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