Chapter 23: Psychic Deception
“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”– Matthew 16:25
Arriving in Arkansas was a melancholy experience. I wanted so badly to be excited about this move like I had been about all the other moves in my past, but deep down I felt this time was different. I couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but I just felt like I was play acting again. I didn’t feel any real joy, just the need to have personal power. Somehow this was all I cared about, the need to feel powerful and in control of my life. If I could feel empowered and love myself, maybe then I could finally find my soul-mate. Maybe Arkansas was where I would meet my husband, and my real life could finally begin. I hadn’t thought about the soul-mate vision in several years, but it was the underlying driving force behind everything I did in life. Finding true love was tantamount to breathing, so without my sacred quest for love my existence was all but pointless in my mind. I had all but forgotten about Tommy as well, but I would soon discover that he and I had one last dance together before the final lesson God would show me.
Setting into my new life in Arkansas was a bumpy transition, and I did my best not to focus on the fact that I was living with my mom again in my late 30s. Instead, I tried to focus my attention towards landing a job and my own place to live. I had started my online graduate classes from the University of Arkansas, and I was using the federal loan money to cover my expenses until I found work. I wanted so badly to upgrade my life, even though I wasn’t really sure what I meant by that at the time. I just had this deep need to find more meaning, something more. I wanted to be successful, to feel better about myself. That was indeed the plan, yet despite my best efforts I started to have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach about everything. I couldn’t help but feeling that all my hard work was a fruitless endeavor, and that despite my best laid plans, I would not succeed in Arkansas. I didn’t understand why I would feel this way though. After all, I was doing everything I could to be productive. Surely, hard work would be enough to make my dreams come true. At least, that’s what I’d been taught all my life.
However, no matter what I did the fear of failure began to grow inside of me, and it grew stronger with every passing month that I could not find work. I sent out dozens of job applications, but every effort I made came back void. I couldn’t understand it at the time because I was doing everything I could to try and upgrade my life. I finally got desperate enough to call a psychic again, even though I didn’t have a lot of money to be spending I rationalized that I had to have some glimmer of hope that things would get better. I had no clue where to find this elusive hope, so I decided to buy it from someone who promised to see my future. Had I known that Jesus is the only hope I needed, and that nobody can see my future but the Lord..well..I would have saved my money. However, back then I was desperate for a life raft and vulnerable to the lies of the enemy.
When I called the psychic, I was told that a lot of my stress and inability to manifest success was due to the fact that I was living with my mom. The psychic informed me that the problem was that my mom’s depression and negativity was effectively ‘rubbing off’ on my energy. The psychic advised me that in order to change my life, I would need to protect my energy from my mother’s influence.
Looking back, this psychic told me a partial truth: that we do need to be careful about the people who have influence over our lives. However, feeling that we can’t associate with people who are in pain and thus experiencing ‘low vibrational’ emotions, is just a selfish and hard-hearted doctrine. However, since I was more concerned with self-care and self-love than I was showing love to anyone else, the advice from the psychic gave me an excuse to shield myself from anyone who wasn’t ‘fun’ or high vibrational (high vibe). Since my mother was depressed and struggling, I saw her attitude and sadness as a plague, a heaviness that would infect me if I wasn’t careful.
I felt that it was all my mom’s fault that I could never seem to be happy, that she was the obstacle preventing me from my destiny. This was when the already existing seed of anger began to grow in my heart towards my mom. I began to believe that she was the only thing standing in my way of being truly happy and fulfilled, that she was always the albatross around my neck preventing me from having a good life. It was all my mother’s fault, everything. It was all so clear. I had to protect myself from her. The lies of satan had begun to bear fruit in my heart, and the hatred began to grow even faster.
Of course, at the time I didn’t question the source of the psychic’s insights. I thought God gave this woman natural gifts, so I never suspected she might be getting lied to by demons masquerading as angelic spirit guides.
After calling the psychic, I decided I would have to take matters into my own hands in order to raise the vibration of the house. If my mom insisted on dwelling in negativity and alarmist thinking, I would have to cleanse the house. I set out to sage the house and chant positive affirmations to rededicate the living space to love and light. This was not going to be a house of negative vibrations. After the sage cleansing, I decided I also needed to do a manifestation spell for prosperity. This would allow me to send my positive thoughts out into the universe and manifest a good job. So, I wrote down my intention on a piece of paper, and waited until midnight to do the spell. Satisfied that I had done all I could to improve my situation, I relaxed a bit and waited for good things to happen. However, months went by and still no job. All my friends back home were starting to worry about me, and they started warning me that being around my mother was very bad for me. I didn’t know that satan can literally use people like puppets to speak lies through them. The enemy has the power to manipulate those not fully surrendered to the Lord Jesus Christ.
Due to all this, I began to feel disgusted at my life, disgusted by the fact that I had felt sorry enough for my mother to move out to the middle of nowhere to help her. Why was I always making horrible decisions?! Why couldn’t I just have a normal, successful life? I berated myself constantly with these questions. I had dreams of a happy life, but it seemed that no matter what I did..I always ended up at my mom’s house. My frustration for her began to grow, and I started to notice that I had zero patience for anything she said or did. I began to see her as the number one enemy to my happiness. I began to wish she would die so that I would finally be free from this oppression, this family curse. I felt paranoid that perhaps she didn’t really want me to ever be happy or to ever find true love. Maybe she wanted to keep me sad and single with her, so she wouldn’t have to be alone. As each day went by that I could not find work, the angry thoughts began to fester and grow stronger. I desperately wanted to be free from these angry thoughts, but they seemed to wash over me without any warning… and they were much stronger than me.
I didn’t recognize these thoughts as spiritual attacks in the beginning, but I was soon about to realize that’s exactly what they were.
Months went by with these angry feelings, and soon fall-time arrived. At this point, I had started to feel overwhelmed by all the mood swings I was experiencing, and in efforts to combat this I had begun taking walks outdoors in nature. These walks were the only thing that seemed to calm me down. Being outside had a relaxing effect on me, and so I thought nature had the power to heal me. So, one afternoon when I was driving back from the grocery store, I got an idea. For several weeks, I had been noticing a small scenic pond on my drive home from the nearby grocery store. The pond was lovely, and it was located just off the side of the road. It even had a quaint wooden dock leading up to the water’s edge, so that visitors could stand and enjoy the view. After passively noticing this pond for weeks, I finally decided to be spontaneous and take a closer look.
As I pulled off the road and walked up to the water, I felt a wave of peace come over me and I suddenly had the idea to throw a penny in the water and make a wish. I hadn’t done anything like this since I was a teenager, so it felt fun and lighthearted. After finding a penny in my car, I stood there surrounded by nature thinking of all the deepest wishes of my heart. Then, much to my surprise strange words came out of my mouth.
“God, I went wrong somewhere. Please, make me into the woman YOU want me to be. I’m done making all the decisions.”
I was stunned that I had just prayed an honest prayer for the first time in close to a decade. It wasn’t a spell-prayer hybrid, and it wasn’t a positive affirmation-prayer. It was an honest to goodness actual plea for God to intervene in my wretched life. I wasn’t asking for physical things or even a soul-mate, I was pleading God with all my heart to change me. I had finally come to the end of my way of doing things, and I surrendered myself for God to begin a new work in my life. I had no clue what I was asking for at that time, no clue! I was completely ignorant as to what I was really asking God to do.
You see, in order for God to make me into the woman that He wanted for me to be…well that would entail burning my old life away, scorching my old self to make room for God to rebuild me from the ashes. I was about to embark upon the most painful years of my entire life, and looking back I am grateful that I didn’t have a clue. God was about to make some serious changes in me, and get rid of all the things that were causing spiritual death in my life.