Chapter 29: The Snare of Anger
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.–Psalm 40:2
While all the complications were happening with my foot, I learned that my friend Reagan had also been dealing with strange health issues as well. She had been in and out of the hospital for some internal issues to do with cysts in her uterus. On top of that, she was getting dizzy and passing out at various points during her day. All this was very distressing, but I had no way to help because I myself was stuck in Arkansas with a broken foot. It was around this point that I began to wonder if Charlie’s ‘negative entities’ (demons) were attacking Reagan and myself. Unsure how to even cope with this possibility, I tried to put it out of my mind. However, I began to feel progressively more angry each day. I couldn’t believe I was in this helpless of a position.
Believing the lie that my mother was to blame for all this negativity my survival instincts started to scream at me to get out! Get out of my mom’s house, escape her! Around this time, I began to become verbally aggressive with my mother, and I started to actively hate her. Everything she did just set me off, and we had loud screaming matches at least 2-3 times per day—all instigated by me. I began to suspect that maybe she had lied to me about my childhood abuser, and maybe she was actually the abuser–all lies from Satan. This made sense to me at the time because I hated her so much, and because she was always so depressed and that infected me with her sadness. One night, things got so heated between us that I looked at her and decided to push her back towards the wall. Even in my rage, I knew I would never hurt my mother. I did want to scare her though, and shoving her towards a wall would not hurt her..but show her how angry I was. However, even as I did this, I knew I had somehow crossed a line in my spirit. I stood there in shock that I had actually laid hands on my own mother. I knew right then that I had to get away from her if I was going to survive this period of my life. I began to get online and try to search for homeless shelters for women or even hippie communes, anywhere I could live for barter. It was a desperate attempt to just get away from my mom for even one minute. She wasn’t working much at that time, so she was always home..and I felt suffocated from her constant presence. What I didn’t know at the time was that my mom had completely had it with my anger, and she wanted to kick me out. Knowing that I had nowhere to go, she felt completely trapped living with me as well. Everything I was feeling, she was feeling.
In total desperation, my mom had been praying and crying out to the Lord non-stop. She was warring in the spirit for my salvation because she knew something wasn’t right, and she had never seen me act like this.
Desperate for some sort of relief and healing from my anger, I began to become interested in the Quantum Healing Technique again. I felt like if I could just figure out what happened in my past life, my higher self or an ascended being could heal me of all this pain. Not having any money, I found an online facebook group that did remote energy healings for students trying to learn these types of techniques. A woman in the group offered to do a healing on me, and I agreed. This wasn’t Quantum Healing, but this woman offered a compatible form of energy work that would access my deeper cells and memories and heal the trauma. This woman instructed me to get comfortable and let the energy session take place. For the first few minutes, I could actually feel the peace washing over me, and I knew this woman must have been a powerful healer. I hoped she could fix all the brokenness in me. However, after about five minutes, something began to change. I suddenly had a horrible headache and began to feel absolutely nauseous, but something else was also happening that I couldn’t quite understand. I suddenly had an overwhelmingly bad feeling come over me, a feeling of doom..of complete evil. It made no sense to me at the time because I regarded energy work as the highest form of divine love and light. I thought this was God’s energy flowing through my cells, healing me. I began to panic and become afraid of the feeling coming over me. I asked the practitioner if we could cut the healing session short, and she agreed. She apologized, and felt really bad that I had experienced a negative reaction. She didn’t understand why, but offered up the explanation that sometimes the healing can be too much for people. However, I had never experienced such a strange reaction before from energy work.
At the time, I rationalized this as a sensitivity to another person’s energy, but now I know this to be an adverse reaction to demonic energy. I was finally seeing the tip of the iceberg of what was going on. These beings of ‘love and light’ were beginning to be revealed for the forces of darkness that they really were.
Something about this healing session set off a chain of events inside me that day. I began to feel something shift in my mind, and I started to panic about my life. I started to feel really confused in my mind after that session. I don’t know how to explain it, but my thinking began to be unclear and I didn’t feel quite myself. It felt as if there was a great evil that wanted to crawl inside my mind somehow, but that didn’t really make any sense to me at the time. I was truly scared that I was losing my mind though, and my sanity felt shaky. I recognized this feeling because I had experienced it once before in Seattle. However, this time I didn’t think to rebuke it in Jesus’s name. I couldn’t seem to formulate the thought to rebuke it or fight it. It was too powerful this time, and I couldn’t fight it anymore. I would later learn that this was demonic oppression, and that because I had been saved as a child I had the seal of the Holy Spirit upon me and could not be fully possessed by a demon. However, demonic ‘oppression’ is constant harassment by demonic forces, and is just as terrifying.
The next few days, I began to feel out of control in every way. The only solution I could think of was to grab my trusty tarot deck for answers. I knew the cards would give me some hope, a silver lining with this situation. I couldn’t afford to call a psychic at this point, so I would have to rely on my own psychic powers to help me get out the mess my life had become. As I started to shuffle the cards, I began to notice how desperate I felt. I was sitting on my bed, frantically hoping the tarot would show me something…some sort of answer or solution that I hadn’t thought of yet. But it wasn’t showing me anything at all. I put the deck down, and started to cry out in sadness at what my life had become, at who I had become.
Right at that exact moment is when I heard the words that would change my life forever.
“Let Me Help You.”
I didn’t wonder for one second what I had just heard. I knew it was the King of Kings. God’s voice was unmistakable. I didn’t for one second worry that I was ‘hearing voices’ or anything crazy like that. I just knew that this was a miracle, and I couldn’t believe God loved me enough to reach out to me. I felt God’s presence in the room that day, and I knew the Most High had reached down into the slimy pit and pulled me out. My spirit knew God’s voice instantly when I heard it. It was a gentle loving voice. God wasn’t rebuking me or angry with me; He just wanted to help pull me out of this mess I had created. I got the sense that He had been waiting there all along for me to ask for help, and that I had been trying to do everything on my own for so long. He was right there all along, but this was the right time that I was open enough to hear Him, to truly Listen with ‘Ears to Hear’.
“Let ME Help You”, God said. I heard the words ringing in my ears, and I immediately dropped the tarot cards. I knew I had heard the voice of Jehovah. I KNEW!! I immediately kneeled down on my bed, boot cast and all…my spirit knew exactly what I needed to do—Repent.
I asked God for forgiveness for all that I had done. I don’t know how to explain it other than my spirit knew that everything I had been dabbling in was against the Lord, that my willfulness and self-reliance was not His plan for me. God wanted me to follow His will, not mine. He had a better life for me than I had for myself.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.– John 14:6
I knelt beside my bed, and I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed that day for God to forgive me and to make me Born Again. I prayed for Jesus Christ to make me new again and be the Lord of my life.It was like God gave me the exact words I needed to repent and ask for new life. After praying, I threw the tarot deck in the trash. I was done. God had shown me that I was not supposed to be doing this any longer.
I don’t know how to explain the sudden knowledge that I received, but it was like a wave of understanding came over me–I would later learn this was a Holy Spirit Baptism. In an instant, I was made aware of what my sins were. I didn’t have a head knowledge of why these specific sins were not good yet, but I knew I had been living out of God’s will. The Lord convicted me of all the witchcraft I had done, and at this exact moment I was also convicted of any bisexual feelings I had towards women. I didn’t have to question this, I just knew that Addonai, the almighty God was telling me in love that I was not to participate in these activities any longer. They were not of Him. When a human tells us these things, we get offended because we feel judged. But when this knowledge comes directly from our Heavenly Father, it doesn’t sting. It is God’s judgement on our sins, but it’s a feeling of such profound love and caring. God wanted to protect me from anything not in HIS will, and I knew that I wanted to follow God’s plan for my life, not mine anymore. The concept of sin is difficult, but I understand it now as anything that is not holy. The world’s wisdom is not God’s wisdom, and there are spiritual reasons why sins are dangerous for us.
These changes God made for me were just the first layer of sanctification, as I was about to undergo many different phases of coming out from under the new age deception. It would be a gradual process, through which God was about to give me a crash course in why certain practices were evil and against His will. God also showed me that I was not supposed to be with women sexually. It wasn’t something I thought a lot about, but it was always a question in the back of my mind. I had no idea what the Bible said about this at that time, but I just knew this was not God’s will for me. After rededicating myself to God, the demonic attacks on my mind lessened, and it was the first real relief I had experienced.
However, because Satan knew he had lost his hook in me, I was about to learn that the kingdom of darkness attacks us when we try to leave the occult as well. Jesus would allow this in order for me to be cleansed and purified with Holy Fire of heaven.
I didn’t own a Bible, so I began to research online about God and the sins of witchcraft. I wanted to see if there were any former witches like me whom God had called out of the new age. At that time back in 2015, I only found a couple ladies online speaking about this. I did find one website that advised me to get rid of all my occult items, anything new age including books and idols. The website was from a former witch who felt God told her to do this. When I read this, I felt the truth of it as well. I began to remove all the evidence of my sin with the occult, and this brought me a great deal of emotional relief as well.
I learned online that because I had been truly saved as a child I could not be possessed by a demon or negative entity as I was still calling them. To call them ‘negative entities’ is false, and denies the existence of Satan and Hell–which are very real. I would very soon understand this.
Hell is real, and Satan is the god of this fallen world. I was on the wide path right to the Lake of Fire, but Jesus left the 99 sheep and went after me–the one lost sheep.
Because I had been saved as a child and sealed by the Holy Spirit, I could not be possessed by a demon. However, I could be ‘oppressed’ by one. This was news to me, but perfectly explained what had been happening to me ever since I first dabbled in witchcraft. I looked online again and found a website that instructed me that I needed to ask God to remove the demonic oppression, and that listing all my sins from involvement in the occult was a way to do this. The website instructed that I might need a pastor to pray over me as well. This particular website felt safe to me, but some others did not. Some ministries had prayers that seemed almost like spells, so I felt the Holy Spirit wanted me to stay away from them. The website I found provided what was called a Battle Prayer, and I knew immediately that God wanted me to pray this prayer so I could rebuke the devil an repent for everything I had done. After praying, I knew God wanted me to attend a church service. I hadn’t been to church in a very long time, so I was nervous I would get thrown out of the building for being a former witch. Yet, I knew I had to worship the Lord to fully remove the demonic oppression. The Holy Spirit was showing me all that I needed to do.
Praising the Lord breaks the demonic chains on our spirit. I would also later learn that I needed to put on the full Armor of God every day to protect myself from the enemy.
“Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.”–Ephesians 6:11-18
Because the foot was still broken, I had to ask my mom to drive me to church, which was difficult since we barely talked during that time. She was cautiously happy that I had given my life to the Lord, but our relationship was still fraught with anger on both sides. Even thought I was still triggered by my mother at this time, I was determined to follow the Lord even if that meant spending time with my mom. Clueless about which church to attend, I was grateful that a friend of my mom’s recommended a non-denominational church. Attending a church service after years in the occult was a life changing experience, and I was very grateful to be there. I fought back tears as best I could, but I eventually couldn’t contain my emotions. I was just so desperately aware of how much I needed God’s grace and forgiveness. I couldn’t quite comprehend that the Lord had in fact forgiven me already. I was so grateful to be saved from the darkness of what I had been involved in, and I was so thankful that Jesus cared enough to pull me out of it. I had never felt so loved and valued in my entire life.
Even when the new age said I was gifted and had special powers as a psychic and healer, this paled in comparison to how it felt to be singled out by the Creator of heaven and earth. God pulled me out of this! I couldn’t quite believe how much I was loved. The rejoicing and praising of the Lord began to remove even more of the demonic oppression, and I noticed that on the drive home I didn’t feel quite so angry with my mother. My mind felt like my own again for the first time too, which was a huge turning point. Up until then, it had felt like something was preventing me from thinking..as if I was very confused all the time and didn’t know my own thoughts. The car ride home from church was the first time I had felt a sort of mental clarity, and I rejoiced in God’s healing. Repentance, surrendering my life to God, and praising His Holy name had all been working together to break the chains of spiritual bondage.
The anger towards my mother gradually began to lessen after this turning point, and the Lord helped me to see that Satan loves nothing more than to attack and divide families. My mother was still a Christian and prayed for me, and Satan knew if he destroyed our bond that I wouldn’t have anyone there for me. I would be alone and more vulnerable to darkness. This is how the enemy works.
Shortly after, I began to attend a church service for former addicts and those in recovery. It was a very helpful segue for me because I felt that I could be myself there. There weren’t any former witches there, but everyone was struggling with something. I met a woman there who gifted me my first Bible, and asked that I read the book of Acts and Ephesians. She was a great help to me at that time. I still hadn’t told anyone of my past in the occult, but I felt safe at this particular church for the moment. God would later show me that He wanted me to leave, but this church was a good fit for where I was at during that time of my sanctification. I learned that believers truly need what is called ‘the armor of the church,’ and that when others pray for us or we lift our voices in worship together, that this is the armor, the protection from the schemes of the enemy.
I didn’t know it then, but new believers get attacked a lot by satan because they are very vulnerable. To add to that, those who leave the occult get attacked even more because satan has lost a soul to the kingdom of God. I realized then that there truly is a war going on—a war for each and every one of our souls. The greatest deception of all was to believe that satan was harmless or fictional. The enemy was anything but, and had almost taken me down into the pit. God took mercy on me, and because of that I knew that my life was not going to be the same as it had been before.
I was given a second chance to live, and I would honor the Lord this time.
The way I had been living was bringing nothing but death into my life, but God reached down into the hole I had fallen into, and He pulled me out. He gave me a new life, and even though it would take me a while to fully grasp this concept:
I was a new creation in Christ.
I had been remade, and this was bigger than I realized. I was no longer the same person, but a new creation with a new heart. God was about to make some changes in me, and my life was going to be very different.