Chapter 31: Hawaii Spiritualism
Finally the morning of my flight rolled around, and I was zinging with nervousness. I had planned out all my cute little outfits, and had gone to all kinds of measures to look beautiful for Tommy. Picturing how wonderful our reunion would be kept me in a constant state of heightened emotions. It was like a rush of hormones throughout my entire body, and the euphoria of it was very addictive. Visiting Tommy all the way out in Hawaii felt like the bravest thing I had ever done at that time, and I imagines myself as a character straight out of a movie. It was every single fantasy I had ever cooked up in my imagination, all come to life. Because of this romance smokescreen, I simply did not want to see the obvious warning signs of danger right around the corner.
Boarding my flight went well, and after the first layover in Atlanta I arrived to the LAX terminal around dinnertime. After having a bite to eat, I began my five hour flight to the Lihue Airport. Groggy but excited, I landed in Hawaii around 11pm my time. When I exited the plane, I immediately began trying to spot Tommy in the crowd. I had this silly hope that he would be waiting for me there, and we would embrace in a grand romantic fashion. Full of hope, my eyes roamed the faces in the crowd, but much to my disappointment I did not see him. Still not giving up, I walked out of the gate and towards the baggage claim to wait for my luggage. I figured Tommy was probably waiting for me there. When I still didn’t see him, I began to feel a growing sense of quiet panic. I knew it was irrational to expect him to be there at the gate or the baggage claim, but I still couldn’t shake the sense of disappointment brewing in my heart. I decided to go to the bathroom and freshen up, then go back to the baggage claim. I took my time in the restroom, and emerged several minutes later. When I still didn’t see Tommy, I finally decided to call him to ask where he was. He answered the phone immediately and explained that he was outside parked in a loading zone, and that he needed to watch his truck so he didn’t get a ticket.
I suddenly felt bad that I had expected him to be waiting for me with such a big romantic gesture, and I remembered how precarious his finances were at that time. I decided to adjust all my exaggerated expectations and give him a break. After all, hadn’t I been the one that had let him down in the past? What right did I have to expect anything from him? I reasoned with myself. Realizing this, I felt much better about the situation.
When we arrived at his house, I unpacked my bags and got settled. The place was lovely, and was located near a piece of land that stretched for miles. I was happy to be out of the airport and relaxed for the first time that day. In the living room, I did notice a huge altar to the Chinese goddess named Kuan-Yin, but Tommy quickly told me that it was his roommate’s décor. Being a brand new Christian fresh out of the occult, I didn’t realize that occult objects allow entrance of demonic energy into households. I wasn’t alarmed at this point, but I soon would be.
Realizing how late it was, I decided to get ready for bed. I was still hoping that Tommy would kiss me by the end of the evening. I took my time in the shower, trying to calm myself about the growing nervousness I was feeling. I wasn’t sure what the sleeping arrangements would be, but I assumed one of us would be taking the couch because Tommy’s bedroom only had a small twin mattress placed upon the floor. However after my shower, Tommy announced that we should share his bed. Not wanting to seem rude or make him feel like the bed was inadequate, I smiled and agreed. To get ready for bed, Tommy began to undress right in front of me. I quickly averted my eyes, wondering why he would do this before we had even kissed. Seeing my embarrassment, he began to explain how much the mystical culture and lifestyle of Hawaii had changed him. He told me I should expect many new customs here and that I should keep an open mind. He informed me that many of the women remain topless at parties on the beach, and it is not uncommon to do so. While I wasn’t comfortable with the idea, I tried to remember I was in a new place and I needed to be open to new things instead of being judgmental. I certainly didn’t want to be one of those kinds of harsh Christians I used to despise. However, what I hadn’t realized yet is that every true believer should have nothing to do with sin. Because I was a new Christian and afraid to seem uncool or judgmental, I was allowing myself to wade right back into everything I had just gotten pulled out of. Because I wanted the world’s approval, I kept quiet. God would later show me that the world would never love me because I was God’s child..not a child of the world.
As uncomfortable as I was becoming with this whole evening, I tried to console myself with the thought that sleeping in Tommy’s bed seemed like an opportunity to be close to him and for him to realize that we were meant to be together. I realize how crazy this all sounds now, but at the time my brain was scrambled by this twin flame deception. I had imagined this night in my mind a million times, and it was finally happening. In my fantasies, Tommy and I fall in love and realize instantly that we are Twin Flames. Once we embrace, the spiritual knowledge would be imparted to us and we would be given the gifts of the early humans—Adam and Eve. Again, being a baby Christian I was very much seduced by the idea of the soulmate and twin flame connection, and I truly thought some sort of mystical Christian union would take place with us. There are many Christian Twin Flame websites propagating this lie, and it is deceiving many who long for love. I was so sure that the vision I had received all those years ago was from God, that I thought these awkward speedbumps with Tommy were part of our journey. The twin flame literature taught me how twin flame relationships are very difficult because each partner has to resolve their childhood issues before they can be together. The twin flame websites also said that twin flames trigger each other so that they can heal the pain from their past. These are all LIES from Satan meant to draw people into the new age antichrist thinking.
As I lied there in Tommy’s bed trying to relax, I wondered how on earth I would actually sleep next to him. Wanting some kind of assurance of his feelings for me, I tried my best to flirt in order that he might want to kiss me, but this did not happen. Profoundly confused and disappointed, I decided to risk it all and tell him about the vision I received many years ago. I had been keeping this to myself, so I wouldn’t scare him off, but I needed to both unburden myself and test the waters to see if he was also receiving the same visions. The twin flame literature taught that both partners knew the other one was their intended, and that both people received this psychic knowledge. Thoroughly convinced that Tommy was my other half, I thought I would take the risk and tell him my feelings. As you can imagine, this did not go over well. Tommy told me that I was scaring him and making him nervous, so I stopped talking about the vision. I don’t know what I had hoped for, but I genuinely thought he would spiritually understand somehow. I decided to stop talking about it and try to fall asleep.
Sleep proved more difficult than I thought, as I tried to adjust to being so close to Tommy. I tried to relax, but I found that to be very difficult as I was so upset and nervous about everything. Overall, I must have gotten one or two hours of sleep, and I was constantly woken up by the strange sounds of wild roosters that roamed all over the island. Even though I’d had little sleep, I was strangely energized the next morning. I had this powerful sense of excitement from all the twin flame brainwashing I believed. After coffee and breakfast, I had expected Tommy and I would go and explore and have some alone time to catch up. However, he informed me that he had to fix the water system at the house where he was staying, as this was part of his rent agreement. Tommy was a plumber by trade, so he was on the clock that day. I understood his situation, and tried to be patient. It was strange being marooned without means of transportation, but I tried to be relaxed about the situation.
After lunch, Tommy’s roommate Bruce had a friend visit the house. This friend was there to help Bruce work on his website for his new Qi Gong business. The friend’s name was Ryan, and he was really nice and welcoming. Tommy was busy working outside on the water tank, and I was inside pretending to not feel in the way. Thankfully, Bruce’s friend Ryan took pity on me and began to strike up a conversation. Ryan began to talk about his collection of crystals, and how he feels they each have a specific healing vibration. Ryan believed if he talked to the crystals, he would amplify the healing from them. While I didn’t think Ryan was crazy, I did realize just how much God had already been changing my thinking in this area. I must have not responded to Ryan in a way that he expected, because he seemed to want to convince me of the healing properties of crystals. I nodded my head and agreed, not wanting to create a scene. I myself was so freshly out of this way of thinking, that I didn’t even have the words to explain what it was that made me uncomfortable about healing crystals. Now I know that the new age takes many inanimate objects, and turns them into mini idols of sorts. It’s the idea of assigning divinity to God’s creation instead of God the creator. Anytime we put our faith in an object, we become superstitious and assign a power to that object. This is creating an idol, and is abhorrent to the Lord. It is dangerous because it takes us away from God’s power and plan for our lives, and gets us focusing on the earth and therefore Satan’s kingdom. Satan loves it when we elevate the earth and ourselves above the kingdom of heaven. If we worship the created and ourselves, we drift far away from God and are easily manipulated.
All the talk of crystals aside, I began to realize that I was more interested in talking to Ryan than I was to Tommy. Ryan and I had an easy way of communicating; whereas Tommy and I definitely had some sort of roadblock in that area. I chalked it all up to the twin flame struggles then, and tried to be patient. However, I found myself slightly flirting with Ryan out of frustration with Tommy. Realizing I was confused about my own feelings, I decided it was time to call my friend Reagan for a chat. I retreated to Tommy’s room and shut the door for some privacy. Reagan and I were still talking to one another at this point in my life, even though I hadn’t seen her in person since I had been saved. She didn’t understand my conversion to becoming a Christian, but we were still trying to remain friends. After telling Reagan how Tommy was acting, she felt he was just being guarded so he wouldn’t get hurt again, and I thought that sounded true as well. I thanked her for the support.
Feeling better, I stepped back out into the living room where Bruce and Ryan were still working on the website. As I was walking to the kitchen table, Tommy entered the house from the back patio door and our paths directly intersected. Much to my surprise, Tommy walked towards me and acted like he was about to kiss me, but then at the last minute decided against it. Thoroughly confused, I decided to sit down at the kitchen table and resume reading my book. Tommy sat down next to me, smiled and complimented me on my jewelry. He was referring to my bohemian style bracelets and rings that I had carefully selected for the purpose of the trip. Happy that he noticed, I took this compliment and stored it away in my mental archives to convince myself of our compatibility. At this point, I was still dressing like I always did, and wanted to look sexy for Tommy. I didn’t realize until months later what modest dress was all about, and honoring God with how I looked.
After Tommy’s compliment, I was surprised to see that Ryan suddenly walked over and started talking to me. A few minutes later, Tommy asked to speak to me in his room. Hopeful that Tommy would finally want to kiss me, I eagerly followed him into the room. Tommy motioned for me to sit down on the bed with him, and then he leaned in close and began to tell me something I’ll never forget:
He began to explain about how Hawaii culture was more open and free, and told me that if I found someone else to be attractive, that I could enjoy that person’s attention and be with them, but that there would need to be some rules for certain things we could and couldn’t do physically. After listening to him for a few minutes, I realized he was talking about polyamory or perhaps the concept of an ‘open relationship.’
While I had heard of this concept before, the idea had never been appealing to me. I immediately stopped him mid-sentence and told him I wasn’t interested in any arrangement remotely resembling an open relationship. I suspected Tommy had gotten caught up in the open relationship thinking so as to avoid ever getting cheated on again. Remembering that his ex-wife broke his heart with infidelity, I tried to understand how polyamory could be an appealing solution to him. However, this was the first huge red flag for me. I started to have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach as I realized I didn’t have anything in common with him anymore. I also started to become uncomfortable with the fact that I was marooned out in the middle of nowhere without any means of transportation into town. My foot had been freshly healed, but wasn’t up to lots of walking yet. I still had to take it easy. Yet, there was still a tiny bit of hope that I could be a good influence on Tommy and maybe bring him back to how he was when we first met. I believed the lie that I could save someone.
After our talk, Tommy asked if I wanted to get any items at the grocery store. He wanted to take a break from the water heater project. Going to the store was the first time Tommy and I had spent alone together all day, and so I relished it. On the trip there, he told me he had secured a job interview for me at a local non-profit. Hearing this news, my heart began to jump with delight. This must mean he loves me, I thought. Then, he went on to say that he really wanted to do anything he could to help set me up here in Hawaii, and that maybe he could help me find me a roommate eventually. Hearing this, my heart began to sink back down again. I couldn’t figure out if Tomny was trying to play it cool, or if he was just flat-out not that interested in me. Then, the thought occurred to me that perhaps he had arranged this whole scheme as an elaborate way to punish me for rejecting him all those years ago, but I quickly dismissed that thought as paranoia. He couldn’t be that cruel, could he?
After driving on deserted country roads for about 20 minutes, we finally arrived at a cute little natural food store in the middle of what seemed like nowhere. There were no other stores around, just green grass and dirt roads. This remote island was quite isolated and untouched. While I was overwhelmed with the beauty of it all, I somehow didn’t see myself truly living there. I could feel it deep down that I wasn’t quite the Hawaii type, but I decided to keep that to myself for the time being.
Relieved to finally be at the store, we walked inside to buy a few things. I needed a natural sleep aid to help me relax and actually get a sound 8 hours of shut eye that night. I told Tommy that I might need to sleep on the couch that night instead, so I could sleep better. I explained that I wasn’t used to sleeping in the bed with anyone. He looked at me sideways, but didn’t reply. Pressing on, I purchased some melatonin, protein bars, and bottled water. Once we bought our items, we walked outside and sat at a wooden table to visit. Tommy began to tell me more about the spiritual path he was on lately. He had a look of excitement on his face, and I tried to follow what he was saying and support him with affirming nonverbal head nods. He told me all about the sweat-lodges he had been going to, and the spirit quests he had been doing while also taking the mind expanding herb called Ayuhuska.
Not knowing quite how to respond, I replied by telling him about what God had been showing me about dabbling in the spirit realm and how it can be dangerous. Tommy stared at me with curiosity. I got the sense that he wasn’t quite sure what to make of what I was saying. The girl he knew many years ago was fully into mystical pursuits, and here I was again out of the blue…looking just the same but talking about Jesus and obedience to God’s instructions. While by the same token, I was thinking the same thing about Tommy. Here he was this man who had evolved into quite the new age spiritualist, while just a handful of years ago he had been reading his Bible and telling me about the dangers of divination. It was like a spiritual stalemate if you will, and I was hoping to find some strategic verbal maneuver to bring him back to his old self.
Of course, at that time I mistakenly thought I alone had the power to bring people to Jesus, that I could do this miraculous healing and bring the person back from the new age. That’s the kind of thing the new age teaches, that we have these powerful healing gifts inside ourselves, that we are divine in nature. I knew I wasn’t divine in any way, but I still thought I had the power to heal inside myself. I didn’t quite grasp that this was not Godly thinking. I was convicted of this by the end of the trip, but that’s part of the learning curve for any new Christian. Another thing I didn’t yet understand and wouldn’t for many years is that I had to pray for the person’s salvation, and that the Holy Spirit alone did the changing. There were no right words I could say to save someone.
The power was God’s alone. It didn’t have anything to do with my own powers, only God’s.