Chapter 33: Siddartha’s Demons
“Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”–Isaiah 5:20
Just as soon as Tommy and I were starting to connect, Bruce returned to the house and the moment was shattered. It was here that I noticed something that I hadn’t before: Bruce and Tommy didn’t really get along very well. When Bruce was gone running errands, Tommy was his old self with me. Tommy was relaxed and smiling, having fun. However, the minute Bruce returned Tommy became noticeably nervous and began to act differently with me.
So, there I was wanting to cheer everyone up and recapture the mood before Bruce had arrived. So, I found myself offering to make dinner for everyone that night. Tommy seemed excited about the idea, and I saw a smile of happiness on his face for a moment. However, reality soon set in when realized the only meal I truly knew how to cook was lasagna, and I would need a recipe and some special ingredients to make it. Seeing that this would take longer than the time we had before dinner, Tommy offered to cook that night instead. Slightly embarrassed that I wasn’t the kind of woman who could whip something up from scratch, I thanked him and vowed to make everyone a delicious dinner the next night instead. After this interaction, I noticed a difference in Tommy’s mood again, almost as if he seemed stressed or annoyed at the situation.
Panicking again, I wondered why things never seemed to go right between me and Tommy. It was at this exact moment that I finally began to question what was really going on with this ‘relationship’. I also began to wonder why we were having dinner again with Tommy’s roommate. Why hadn’t we had any time alone, I questioned.
As the evening progressed, I was getting more anxious. Things weren’t going well, and I the tension in the house was palpable. Tommy was working on the water heater, and trying to cook dinner at the same time…and I could tell this was very stressful for him. I was helping by making a salad, and I wanted to help cook but I truly needed a recipe to do anything at that time. I felt worthless again, the way I tended to feel around him. It was an old feeling that always seemed to come up when I was with Tommy. I felt he was much better than me, and that I wasn’t really his type or good enough for him. How odd that I always felt this, I thought. For the first time, I started to wonder why this was. As I nervously bustled around making a salad and setting the table, I was startled when Tommy began to curse outside on the back porch. Something wasn’t going well with the water heater repair, and he began to become irate. Storming into the house, he became even angrier when he noticed that the rice was sticking to the pan and was starting to burn. Clanging dishes around, he began to make a lot of noise in the kitchen and I didn’t quite know how to respond.
Bruce commented on the whole scene by telling him “Bro, you’re blood sugar’s probably low; you should eat a bite of something.”
Being a peacekeeper type, I offered him a plate of chips and dips. Tommy got even angrier with me, and yelled directly at me saying: “Don’t shove a plate of food in my face like that.”
I stayed unnaturally calm because the whole interaction was very similar to my own father’s anger issues, and because of that I knew how to respond. I understood anger well, and I was able to remain eerily calm during a storm of someone else’s emotions. However, the minute he yelled at me in my face, something inside me had shut down..closed off completely. This was, in fact, too similar to my father’s behavior, and because of that I was getting triggered by remembering the countless times my own dad had yelled at me in front of others. My father’s anger had gotten passed down to me, just as Tommy’s father’s anger had done to him. I understood the nature of it, and I had empathy…but I just couldn’t tolerate anger in a relationship. It brought out a side of me I didn’t know how to manage. I slipped back into ‘fight or flight’ mode and it wasn’t a healthy situation for me.
After Tommy yelled at me, he sat down and tried to eat a bite of something. Relieved, Bruce and I sat down as well and ate dinner at the table. I noticed that I could barely eat anything because I was so nervous, but I tried to force down some food. Dinner progressed without incident, and afterwards I offered to clean up the dishes. Tommy seemed grateful that I was cleaning up, and he began to approach me by the sink. Bruce had gone outside on the porch, and Tommy and I had a moment alone in the house. Tommy looked at me intently, and began to apologize for his anger. “It’s a problem I struggle with”, he said mournfully. I could see that he meant his apology, and I wanted to resolve the issue as well. I stopped cleaning the dishes, turned around and hugged him with all my body weight. I wanted him to know I understood. I looked right at him and told him what was really in my heart.
I told him about my father, and how he used to yell at me in front of the whole family. There I was a little kid and I had spilled the milk, or made some mistake that children do…and there was my father inches from my face yelling and thumping my skull with his index finger. He wanted me to be better than that, smarter, and to “Just Think before you do things!” I could still hear his voice ringing in my ears. At this point, I hadn’t yet forgiven my father for his anger towards me..so the way Tommy reacted had triggered a deep trauma. The Lord would heal this in time, but Satan knew just what buttons to push.
I began to realize that Satan sends people into our lives just the same way God does. The trick is figuring out who is sent from the enemy and who isn’t. I also began to see the truth about the Twin Flame phenomena: It was a lie straight from the pits of Hell. I believed the Twin Flame lie that Tommy and I had childhood pain to resolve, and that’s why we were so ‘seemingly’ incompatible.
Satan loves sending us traps, snares, and calling evil good, and good evil.
My relationship with Tommy was anything but healthy, but because I believed we were Twin Flames, I was willing to step into a toxic romance and try to rationalize it every step of the way. Because I believed Tommy and I had some grand spiritual purpose on the planet, I had put myself in a veritable wolf den, and I was getting eaten alive. The moment when Tommy was yelling at me somehow snapped me out of this for a moment, and I was beginning to see the writing on the wall for the first time.
Looking back, I wished I would have just gotten a taxi at that very moment. It would have been wiser for me to do that. Yet, because there was still a part of me that longed for some shred of my romantic fantasy…I held on and decided to try one more night with Tommy. Even though I was triggered, and I was starting to wake up from deception…I still longed for love. My deep need for a man to love me and tell me I was good enough was a trap, a weakness Satan was using against me. If Tommy could just love me, then everything would be okay.
The evening progressed without any further complication, and Tommy and I had mended fences. Tommy understood my past with my father, and I understood Tommy’s past with his father. It didn’t of course change how we responded to one another, but there was a level of acceptance as to why Tommy’s anger triggered me. I naively thought if I could heal Tommy’s anger, then I could in fact heal my own anger and my childhood pain. This was also the lie of the Twin Flame Theory. The idea that we can heal our own hurts on our own, or that someone else other than Jesus can heal us. It always came down to healing didn’t it? That’s what we’re all searching for, what I had been searching for.
I was still in the process of sanctification from the Lord, and I was getting healed every day…but I still needed to learn that no amount of healing could ever come from myself or someone else. True change only comes from the renewing of my mind from the Holy Spirit. Temporary change can occur from willpower alone, but true healing and true change only comes from our Creator, the one who fashioned us in our mother’s womb.
After dinner, we all began to talk about random things. When Bruce was in the bathroom, I somehow found myself sharing with Tommy the fact that I had been attacked by a demon that fateful night in Seattle when Tommy came to my rescue. I told him this hoping it would spark some memory of the man he used to be, a man who professed to know Christ..and a man who had warned me about all the dangers of mystical spiritism.
Upon hearing me speak, Tommy’s eyes widened,…and I thought for sure he was going to think I was some crazy lady…but instead the opposite happened. Tommy shocked me by admitting the same exact thing had happened to him recently. Tommy had been hearing voices inside his mind that were telling him to hurt himself.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! Up until this point, I had convinced myself I was the only person who had been through this grisly experience of what was called ‘demonic oppression.’ I didn’t know much about demonic oppression at that time, as I was a brand new baby Christian. So, this was mind blowing to me that someone else had also experienced this horrific event.
It was just then that Bruce entered into the kitchen. He had overheard the tail end of my conversation with Tommy, and he began to get excited. “I just got attacked by demons the other night guys!” He exclaimed with an uncharacteristic tone of accomplishment. I sat there and stared at Bruce while a shiver went up and down my spine.
Bruce began to vividly describe how he had just gotten attacked by demons a few nights ago. Confused about Bruce’s religion, I discovered he was a Buddhist. At the time, I didn’t realize that Buddhism included a belief in demons or demonic possession. Bruce didn’t really explain this, but instead spoke excitedly about how demons attacked him just the other night. Not taking a breath, Bruce nonchalantly announced that his solution for this demonic attack was to ‘absorb’ the demons into his own ‘energy field’. Bruce explained that these demons could not harm him if he ‘absorbed’ them.
Sitting there listening to Bruce’s story, I was quietly freaking out. I still had intense post-traumatic stress from my own demonic oppression, and listening to Bruce openly admit he invited demons inside himself was really starting to freak me out. Did this mean he was in fact possessed? I suddenly became all too aware of the Kuan-Yin and Buddha statues in the living room, and I became very fearful. Was the Buddha just another possessed person who had demonic knowledge? Was ‘enlightenment’ demonic? I never even considered that before this moment.
Even more importantly, Were there demonic spirits in the house? Maybe this was why I couldn’t sleep well there, I thought. All at once, I began to question what was really going on with my visit to Hawaii.
Why had I been led out to this house in the middle of nowhere, to stay with an angry man whose roommate had ‘absorbed’ demons into his spirit? Didn’t this mean he was possessed and controlled by Satan? I thought Buddhism was just meditation, not anything to do with demons and possession.
I couldn’t yet see that I was surrounded by the enemy, in the lion’s den..literally. I didn’t have the confidence of my authority in Jesus as I do now, so I was in a word…terrified. Satan didn’t have power over me, but because I was a new Christian, I had allowed Satan entrance into my life to mess with me.
After all the talk about demons, I lied down to try to sleep…but it was all in vain. I prayed for protection, but I was very fearful. To calm myself down, I started to slip back into my old thoughts of wanting to make things work in Hawaii. Maybe I could face my fears and live there, I thought irrationally. I desperately wanted love, and I was very taken with the idea of living in a tropical paradise. It was everything I had dreamed about. Maybe I was being silly to worry. People were always telling me I was paranoid, so perhaps I was being too harsh with Tommy. Maybe he needed me to help him, pull him out of the new-age. It wouldn’t be very loving to just leave him again. All these thoughts were racing through my head as I lied there in the dark trying to sleep. As you can imagine, sleep did not come.
It must have been about 2am when I finally decided to sit up and turn on a lamp. I began to pray intensely, and I realized that I hadn’t truly surrendered my will over to the Lord’s perfect will. That’s how I had gotten into this mess! I pleaded with God to show me what to do. Why couldn’t I sleep, and what was going on?
Insomnia was one of my biggest fears, and it felt like I was losing my mind again. It hadn’t registered with me yet that this was classic demonic oppression.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere Hawaii… God told me what I had to do:
Get out of there….NOW.