Shamanic Magic Lies-Chp. 12

CHAPTER 12:  Shamanic Magic Lies

“Seers will be put to shame. Those who practice witchcraft will be disgraced. All of them will cover their faces, because God won’t answer them.”–Micah 3:7

The last week in Seattle was a whirlwind of events.  I had to figure out a lot of details if I was going to move back home.  First and foremost, I wasn’t sure how I was going to navigate the summertime heat.  I couldn’t exactly drive home because even in a car, the air conditioning didn’t always cool the vehicle down on a really hot day.  I considered driving at night, but decided that sounded too complicated.

Panicking, I decided to reach out to my first-love from college, James.  We had parted as friends, and agreed to call each other if we ever needed.  Well, this was one situation where I truly needed an ally.  I didn’t consider asking Tommy for help, not after how I’d rejected him years ago.  No. I needed someone with whom I had history, and that’s exactly what James and I had.  I was also a bit embarrassed that my life was unraveling yet again, and I felt like it wouldn’t be hugely appealing if I called Tommy during a messy place in my life.  Instead, I only wanted to present myself as a powerful and strong woman to him.  I decided that calling James was the best choice, as he had already seen me at my worst and had loved me once.

After telling James about my predicament, I was amazed that he graciously offered to fly to Seattle and help me.  He had even offered to drive my car back home to Oklahoma for me, and in return I would pay for all his gas.  He said he felt guilty for not understanding my health issues regarding the heat stroke, and he had been experiencing some recent health problems of his own.  I got the sense he wanted to make amends, and I was very grateful at how this was all working out.  With James on the way to Seattle, I decided to purchase a plane ticket for my return home.  I was going to fly my cat and myself back to Oklahoma.  All the arrangements had been made, and I could relax a bit.

Two days later, I picked up James from the airport.  His flight arrived late in the evening, and I had already begun planning some fun events for his itinerary while in Seattle.  Eager to show him the sights, I had heard that the Starlight bookstore was hosting a shamanic healing ceremony the next day, and I couldn’t believe my good fortune.  This seemed like a perfect chance to show him some of the spiritual paths I had been exploring.  He had agreed that it sounded interesting, and replied that he was always up for something new.  James was an agnostic intellectual type, but he somehow didn’t feel threatened by the idea of shamanism or new-age style spirituality.

When we got to the bookstore the next day, there were 8 people gathered in the back conference room, and we were told to sit down to form a circle.  We sat down in formation, and awaited instruction.  Most of us looked clueless but excited to be participating in something interesting.  Then, a sage bundle was passed around the circle and we were encouraged to blow the smoke around each other to cleanse our energies.  This was an important element of the new age, ‘saging’ oneself or the house to remove negative entities.

I would discover years later that nothing rebukes demons except the name of Jesus Christ, but back then I believed in the many rituals designed to protect me.  The trouble was, these rituals never did protect me at all.  They were all part of the lie. 

Suddenly Jess, the owner of the store, entered the back room carrying a pink candle in her hands.  She told us that we were going to do a special manifestation ceremony.  We were supposed to think of one thing that we wanted most in our lives, and then etch it onto the candle with a pencil.  The candle was then passed around the circle, and each person carved their one wish into the candle wax, careful not to write over someone else’s wish.  I decided to write down the word acceptance, hoping it would bring me true peace about my childhood and the trauma I couldn’t seem to forget.  Then, Jess brandished a large wooden stick of some kind.  The stick had been decorated with ribbons and different colorful items.  It was called a ‘spirit stick’, and we were going to pass it around the circle and chant something while the candle was burning.  The words for the chant were sent around the circle for us to read and then speak them in unison.  I was surprised the words mentioned something called ‘White Buffalo Woman’, which was a Native American goddess I had recently been reading about.  I took this as another sign I was on the right spiritual path.

When everyone was finished writing their intentions upon the candle, Jess ignited the wick, and we all began to chant in the circle.  We were all smiling and having a wonderful time, and after the ceremony was complete Jess picked up the candle and informed the group that she would be burying it in her backyard under the full moon that night.  She educated us that burying the candle in the earth under a full moon would allow our wishes to be charged with the full power of the moon’s rays.

Looking back, I had just participated in my first ‘goddess circle’, which was essentially a witches’ coven, and I had just performed what wiccans call ‘candle magic’.  To top it off, we had invoked assistance from a ‘goddess’ called White Buffalo Woman, but it just seemed like a harmless ritual to me back then.

I didn’t understand that pagan rituals called on other gods that were actually demons.

At that time, I was fascinated with how Native spirituality seemed so similar to Wicca.  Not all wiccans did spells, and not all Native Americans did them either.  However, I wanted to learn what these spells and rituals were all about.  They promised to reveal the secrets that had been hidden.  Who were the ancestors, the helpful spirit guides?  What was shapeshifting? I wondered.  Could I become a shaman and shape-shift?  It all fascinated me.  Again, I didn’t really see this at odds with Jesus then, mainly because the Native spiritual books mentioned something called Christ Consciousness, and because of that I felt this was safe.  Jesus performed powerful signs and wonders, and so Jesus must have known all about these mystical practices.  I wanted to learn the truth about this.  I had read that Jesus declared we would be able to walk on water just like He did, so maybe the church had intentionally hid this esoteric information from humans so we couldn’t have that same power.  Didn’t Jesus want us to be like Him? I rationed.

I would later learn that the ancestors and spirit guides were all demons masquerading as angels of light.

What’s more, the notion of Jesus as a shaman, light-worker, yogi, or mystic is what’s called ‘Christ Consciousness’–the idea that Jesus ascended to achieve Enlightenment, and that we can all use mystical practices to do the same.  This is not the real Jesus at all.  The real Jesus asked us to humble ourselves to the will of God and repent of our sins to enter heaven.  The Christ Consciousness made Jesus out to be yet another ‘enlightened being’ who we could be on the same level as him. 

     This very concept of enlightened knowledge wasn’t from the Bible. It was from spirits claiming to be angels, yet denying and twisting the word of the Lord.  The enlightened knowledge that Siddhartha and others received from meditation is not from Jehovah God; it is from the imitation kingdom of Lucifer.

I mistakenly assumed that I could blend eastern mystical belief systems with my belief in Jesus, and that would result in the same path to ‘heavenly knowledge’.  I thought as long as the word if someone used the word ‘Christian’ or talked about Jesus…then it must be of God.  I was about to learn how wrong I was in my thinking.

 

After the ritual, I was very surprised to see that James actually enjoyed himself.  He had a huge grin on his face afterwards, and I was so pleased we had found something new and fun that reunited us as friends.  As we were processing what just happened, I recognized someone I know from my Tarot class.  Her name was Fawn, and she and her husband Jerry were both at the ceremony.  I didn’t have the courage to strike up a friendship with her before then, but I felt emboldened now that I had a friend with me.  After I introduced them to James, we all began to talk and realized how much we had in common.  So, when I told Fawn that I only had a few days left in Seattle, she seemed disappointed.  She told me that she wanted to create a meaningful farewell experience for me in my last days there, and that I should call her tomorrow. Moved by that gesture, we agreed to meet up the next day.

The next morning, James and I decided to walk up the street to the nearby coffee shop for breakfast.  We took the giant outdoor staircase which led us to the back alleyway.  It was a shorter walk to the shop from there.  We spent the morning enjoying our coffee and donuts and chatting about how interesting the shamanic circle experience had been for us, when suddenly I remembered I needed to call Fawn.  Stepping outside, I made the call and Fawn answered the phone with a cheery greeting.  “Michal! Blessings, it’s so great to hear from you.  I have a plan for your departure.  Do you have a pen and paper to write something down?”  She then gave me a number for a woman in Bellevue who performs past life regressions, and Fawn had already paid for the session as a gift to me.  All I needed to do was schedule the appointment.  I remember feeling so grateful I had met Fawn, and also a little sad to be leaving now that I had a good friend.  I hung up the phone, and went back inside the coffee shop to tell James the good news.

As it happened, I called the number Fawn gave me, and the past-life practitioner had an opening that very day at 3pm.  How fortuitous! I thought.  I had never done anything quite like this before, and I was very excited to find out more about who I really was in my past life.  I felt this woman would finally show me the answers to what I had been searching for.  Maybe she could heal the past pain in my family line, the curses of abuse and fear.  I hoped she could, and I was very eager to see her.

     In the new age, it seemed like people were helping me and wanted to be my friend. This sense of peer approval was very addictive, and only served to reinforce the deception. 

 

James and I finished our coffee, and decided to drive out to Bellevue for the past-life session.  As I entered the practitioner’s office, I immediately felt comforted by all the Native American décor on the walls.  I myself felt sure I had Native American lineage, and I speculated that I had come from a long line of wise medicine women.  The practitioner then had me lay down on the therapy table, which looked much like a massage table.  She seemed very nice and non-threatening, so I opened up to her right away.   She then began to ask me a series of questions, nothing special per say, just questions about myself and my life.  I began to tell her a bit about my issues with men and finding true love.  I desperately wanted to find an answer to why I couldn’t seem to have a successful relationship.  Then, she grew quiet and began to meditate.  She asked me to lie still and focus inwardly on what I saw.  At first, I didn’t see anything at all, and so I thought maybe I should try to concentrate harder.

 

Then, suddenly I began to see an image form in my mind…

 

 I saw an image of a bowl on the ground, an antique bowl made from some sort of stone, and it had red flower petals inside of it.  The bowl had fallen to the ground, and all the petals inside of it had scattered onto the street.  I suddenly became aware that the woman was me in the past, and she was humiliated.  I looked up from the ground and saw a man on a horse, and he wouldn’t help her.  Her beautiful flower petals were strewn all over the cobblestone street, and he just stared coldly at her, then rode away.  I suddenly felt a profound sadness inside me, but then it was not my sadness; it was the woman who held the bowl.  She was grieving something, and her heart was breaking. 

     Then, I saw an image of a heart beating fast.  It was bloody, blood red, and it fell to the floor like the flower petals.  She had been cast aside, tossed out like garbage.  Her bloody beating heart was cast aside as if it was nothing.  I was grieving for her, and my heart was in such pain from these images.  Just when I couldn’t bear any more sadness, another image appeared.  Now, I saw an old woman.  She had piercing eyes that stared at me with an intensity that gave me chills.  I didn’t know what she was trying to tell me.  She was sitting down on something when she began to shake her legs and feet upwards at me somehow.  I didn’t know what it all meant, just that she was trying to tell me something.  Suddenly, the woman rolled over.  She covered herself with a blanket, and passed away.  She had died right there in my vision.

 

Finally, I couldn’t take any more of this, and so I sat up on the table, back in the office.  The practitioner looked at me, calm and serene.  I then began to tell her what I had just seen.  As I began to tell the story of the broken-hearted woman, the practitioner finished my sentences.  She had somehow seen the flowers and the bloody heart on the ground too.  How could that be I wondered?  I then told her about the old woman, and how she just rolled over and died, withered away under her blanket. 

The practitioner told me what I already knew to betrue’ (which was really a LIE from Satan):  that both of those women were ‘me’ in a past life.  The old woman was trying to tell me to live life and not hide under the covers in fear of truly experiencing love.  I had been so afraid of getting hurt again that I had become like that old woman.  I let love’s pain break me.  I remember at that very moment realizing my love life and all the failures weren’t my fault at all.  They weren’t a result of the choices I’d made.  Instead, I had been a part of a legacy of women who had been hurt by men, and I had to break the pattern. 

Suddenly all this ‘truth’ began to click for me.  I began to believe this vision and regarded it as ‘divine’ wisdom.

I would later learn it was all part of the deception from Satan. This woman was called a ‘Past Life Practitioner’, but she was in reality she was a Medium allowing demons to speak through her. 

     God’s truth was counterfeited to blend half-truths and twisted bits of personal information about me to sound like the whole truth.   At the time, I had no idea that familiar spirits (demons) are assigned to family lines, and can study us and know intimate details.  Mediums can then channel this demonic wisdom and seem like they are giving you hidden information. I had a lot to learn about the new age before finding the Truth.  I would also later learn that the Bible specifically addresses this as an abominable sin.

When the session was over, I thanked the practitioner profoundly.  I asked her if she would accept a tip, and she refused saying that my friend Fawn had paid her in full. I left the office, and went back to the car where James had been patiently waiting.  I told him what happened in the past-life regression, and he listened intently.  I was surprised that he didn’t give me a hard time about it, being that this wasn’t really his sort of thing.  Instead, he seemed to be legitimately interested in what I was saying.

 

 

 

 

I remember leaving the woman’s office that day feeling different, almost like I was floating on a cloud.  I felt altered in some way, but in a good way, like I just had a massage or drank a couple glasses of wine.  It was pleasant.  I felt a blissful sort of peace pulsing throughout my very being. This was the false high of the demonic healing, but I would later see the true face of this ‘bliss’. 

The next day rolled around, and it was my last full day before I had to catch my plane.  Fawn had scheduled a lunch with us to celebrate and discuss how the past life session went.  So, James and I drove over to meet Fawn and her husband Jerry for a bite to eat.  I told her all about the interesting floaty blissful feeling I had after the session, and she confirmed it was the same for her.  Fawn said that I should expect to feel differently for a while, and that was just my neurons rewiring themselves to include the new DNA memories of my past life.  It felt so great to have Fawn explain it that way, and I never thought I had done anything dangerous or demonic at that time.  I just thought the past life practitioner had a natural gift of ‘sight’ to see what I was seeing, and I didn’t know anything about familiar spirits or spirit guides at that time.  In my mind, I had just received a psychic healing from a wise woman who had powers to bring forth buried memories in my subconscious, ancestral memories.

That was how it was all framed for me, similar to hypnotherapy.  I thought entering into a trance state wasn’t that big of a deal since hypnotherapy was part of psychology.  Had I been told that I was having a session with a ‘medium’ who was ‘channeling’ spirits to show me a lie from a demon…well, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to do anything like that.

Therein lies the seductive power of the new age.  It takes ancient pagan practices forbidden in the Bible for good reason, and it repackages them in new language so that they seem like hidden wisdom meant to heal us and elevate us into ‘higher consciousness’.  These are all beautiful lies that sound great and tickle our ears, but in reality hide the deeper darkness therein. 

After lunch with Fawn and Jerry, we all decided to go on a little road-trip to the mountains.  Fawn wanted to show me some of the most ‘magical’ places in the city.  She took us all up to a view in the mountains called Hurricane Ridge, and we had to drive up a long winding mountain road for what seemed like an eternity to get there.  The vista was breathtaking, and there were huge bits of misty clouds that actually touched the ground.  I remember thinking the mists had a life of their own as they moved along the earth.  How lucky I was to notice these things in the spiritual realm.  We took some pictures, and walked around a bit.  It was difficult to walk too much though, because the altitude was so high.

Next, Fawn took us on a ferry ride—my first ferry ride ever.   She really wanted to show me a humpback whale, because I had told her that one of my life goals was to see one of these majestic creatures.  We rode around on the ferry for a good hour, but we didn’t end up seeing one that day.  We had a blast regardless.  Before the day was over, Fawn taught me about orbs, which were little angelic spirits that sometimes appeared in pictures as tiny bubbles, she said.  She taught me about so many things that day, and ended up gifting me one of her books about something called MAP Healing.  This was where you opened a ‘cone of healing’ inside your mind, and called in something named the White Brotherhood of Ascended Masters and the Deva of Nature Spirits to do a healing session on you.  She then gave me one of her large ‘earth keeper’ crystals that I should use when I opened the cone of healing.  I had no idea what this was all about, but it sounded fascinating.

I wanted healing from all my issues, and energy work was the next big thing in my opinion.  The healthcare world just couldn’t find the answers I needed.  Maybe my heat issues could finally be fixed.  I remember being so overwhelmed with love from Fawn, and I felt she was a big sister to me and helping me in so many ways.  She wanted healing too, and she felt she was giving me all the tools I would need to go back to Tulsa and live my best life, free from the past and any pain I had experienced.  That was always the goal, to not dwell in the past but to heal it and move forward, always moving forward to reach higher and higher states of vibration and consciousness.

Years later, I would find out from the Holy Spirit exactly what the ‘Cone of Healing’ and ‘Ascended Masters’ really were, but at this moment in time I was happy in my ignorance.  The world of mystical healing was beautiful then.  Lovely goddesses and spirits who wanted to help us on this earth.  I was enamored with this sparkling magical world.

It wouldn’t be until years later that I would finally see the True face of these spirits. They were not really my allies at all, quite the opposite.

 

 

 

 

 

All Twin Flames are Demonic Strongholds

Just because we feel a strong connection with someone does NOT mean that connection is from the Lord. I promise you.

What if I told you that Satan can plant lust, longing, and romantic obsession in our hearts? When left unchecked, it grows into a deep STRONGHOLD.

We are told to guard our hearts in the Bible.

Our hearts are deceitful, which means they can be compromised and deceive us. Yes, Jesus has taken away our heart of stone and given us a new heart of flesh with the gospel written on it. YET, we are to guard that new heart of flesh! Hallelujah!

How do we guard it?

We speak God’s truth to every lie. Hold each thought hostage. Truly, this is a daily battle that we have to know God’s word to speak God’s truth to each HALF-TRUTH that Satan tries to use to plant seeds of doubt in our brain.

 

Stay in the Bible.

 

TEST THE SPIRITS.

 

Pray: LORD, IF THIS DESIRE IS NOT FROM YOU….PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY. AMEN.  

 

Examine the fruits of this romance. Is this person a professing servant of Jesus Christ?  If so, what are their fruits? Do they follow the Lord’s decrees, or do they do what they want and then repent? Are they following the True Jesus or a false christ?  

Are they bringing you closer to the TRUE Jesus, or are you getting lukewarm and longing to do worldly things like get drunk, have sex, lust, idolize yourself and worldly things, etc.

 

***THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO THOSE WHO WERE ALREADY MARRIED WHEN THEY WERE SAVED. We can stay with our spouse and pray they come to the faith.

***DISCLAIMER:  I’m not saying we need to stay with our spouse, just that it’s not a sin to stay.  If your spouse is abusive, that’s another matter. Please consult a pastor about this if your spouse is abusive.

 

“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
1 Corinthians 7:16

“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you heard was coming and now is in the world already. Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. They are from the world; therefore they speak from the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error.”  1 John 4

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”  Jeremiah 17:9

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”  2 Corinthians 10:5

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Chapter 23: Psychic Deception

Chapter 23:  Psychic Deception

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”– Matthew 16:25

Arriving in Arkansas was a melancholy experience.  I wanted so badly to be excited about this move like I had been about all the other moves in my past, but deep down I felt this time was different.  I couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but I just felt like I was play acting again.  I didn’t feel any real joy, just the need to have personal power.  Somehow this was all I cared about, the need to feel powerful and in control of my life.  If I could feel empowered and love myself, maybe then I could finally find my soul-mate.  Maybe Arkansas was where I would meet my husband, and my real life could finally begin.  I hadn’t thought about the soul-mate vision in several years, but it was the underlying driving force behind everything I did in life.  Finding true love was tantamount to breathing, so without my sacred quest for love my existence was all but pointless in my mind.  I had all but forgotten about Tommy as well, but I would soon discover that he and I had one last dance together before the final lesson God would show me.  

Setting into my new life in Arkansas was a bumpy transition, and I did my best not to focus on the fact that I was living with my mom again in my late 30s.  Instead, I tried to focus my attention towards landing a job and my own place to live.  I had started my online graduate classes from the University of Arkansas, and I was using the federal loan money to cover my expenses until I found work.  I wanted so badly to upgrade my life, even though I wasn’t really sure what I meant by that at the time.  I just had this deep need to find more meaning, something more.  I wanted to be successful, to feel better about myself.  That was indeed the plan, yet despite my best efforts I started to have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach about everything.  I couldn’t help but feeling that all my hard work was a fruitless endeavor, and that despite my best laid plans, I would not succeed in Arkansas.  I didn’t understand why I would feel this way though.  After all, I was doing everything I could to be productive.  Surely, hard work would be enough to make my dreams come true. At least, that’s what I’d been taught all my life.

However, no matter what I did the fear of failure began to grow inside of me, and it grew stronger with every passing month that I could not find work.  I sent out dozens of job applications, but every effort I made came back void.  I couldn’t understand it at the time because I was doing everything I could to try and upgrade my life.  I finally got desperate enough to call a psychic again, even though I didn’t have a lot of money to be spending I rationalized that I had to have some glimmer of hope that things would get better.  I had no clue where to find this elusive hope, so I decided to buy it from someone who promised to see my future.   Had I known that Jesus is the only hope I needed, and that nobody can see my future but the Lord..well..I would have saved my money.  However, back then I was desperate for a life raft and vulnerable to the lies of the enemy. 

When I called the psychic, I was told that a lot of my stress and inability to manifest success was due to the fact that I was living with my mom.  The psychic informed me that the problem was that my mom’s depression and negativity was effectively ‘rubbing off’ on my energy.  The psychic advised me that in order to change my life, I would need to protect my energy from my mother’s influence. 

Looking back, this psychic told me a partial truth: that we do need to be careful about the people who have influence over our lives.  However, feeling that we can’t associate with people who are in pain and thus experiencing ‘low vibrational’ emotions, is just a selfish and hard-hearted doctrine.  However, since I was more concerned with self-care and self-love than I was showing love to anyone else, the advice from the psychic gave me an excuse to shield myself from anyone who wasn’t ‘fun’ or high vibrational (high vibe).  Since my mother was depressed and struggling, I saw her attitude and sadness as a plague, a heaviness that would infect me if I wasn’t careful.

I felt that it was all my mom’s fault that I could never seem to be happy, that she was the obstacle preventing me from my destiny.  This was when the already existing seed of anger began to grow in my heart towards my mom.  I began to believe that she was the only thing standing in my way of being truly happy and fulfilled, that she was always the albatross around my neck preventing me from having a good life.  It was all my mother’s fault, everything.  It was all so clear.  I had to protect myself from her.  The lies of satan had begun to bear fruit in my heart, and the hatred began to grow even faster. 

Of course, at the time I didn’t question the source of the psychic’s insights.  I thought God gave this woman natural gifts, so I never suspected she might be getting lied to by demons masquerading as angelic spirit guides. 

After calling the psychic, I decided I would have to take matters into my own hands in order to raise the vibration of the house.  If my mom insisted on dwelling in negativity and alarmist thinking, I would have to cleanse the house.  I set out to sage the house and chant positive affirmations to rededicate the living space to love and light.  This was not going to be a house of negative vibrations.  After the sage cleansing, I decided I also needed to do a manifestation spell for prosperityThis would allow me to send my positive thoughts out into the universe and manifest a good job.  So, I wrote down my intention on a piece of paper, and waited until midnight to do the spell.  Satisfied that I had done all I could to improve my situation, I relaxed a bit and waited for good things to happen.  However, months went by and still no job.  All my friends back home were starting to worry about me, and they started warning me that being around my mother was very bad for me.  I didn’t know that satan can literally use people like puppets to speak lies through them.  The enemy has the power to manipulate those not fully surrendered to the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Due to all this, I began to feel disgusted at my life, disgusted by the fact that I had felt sorry enough for my mother to move out to the middle of nowhere to help her.  Why was I always making horrible decisions?!  Why couldn’t I just have a normal, successful life? I berated myself constantly with these questions.  I had dreams of a happy life, but it seemed that no matter what I did..I always ended up at my mom’s house.  My frustration for her began to grow, and I started to notice that I had zero patience for anything she said or did.  I began to see her as the number one enemy to my happiness.  I began to wish she would die so that I would finally be free from this oppression, this family curse.  I felt paranoid that perhaps she didn’t really want me to ever be happy or to ever find true love.  Maybe she wanted to keep me sad and single with her, so she wouldn’t have to be alone.  As each day went by that I could not find work, the angry thoughts began to fester and grow stronger.  I desperately wanted to be free from these angry thoughts, but they seemed to wash over me without any warning… and they were much stronger than me. 

I didn’t recognize these thoughts as spiritual attacks in the beginning, but I was soon about to realize that’s exactly what they were.

Months went by with these angry feelings, and soon fall-time arrived.  At this point, I had started to feel overwhelmed by all the mood swings I was experiencing, and in efforts to combat this I had begun taking walks outdoors in nature.  These walks were the only thing that seemed to calm me down.  Being outside had a relaxing effect on me, and so I thought nature had the power to heal me.  So, one afternoon when I was driving back from the grocery store, I got an idea.  For several weeks, I had been noticing a small scenic pond on my drive home from the nearby grocery store.  The pond was lovely, and it was located just off the side of the road.  It even had a quaint wooden dock leading up to the water’s edge, so that visitors could stand and enjoy the view.   After passively noticing this pond for weeks, I finally decided to be spontaneous and take a closer look.

As I pulled off the road and walked up to the water, I felt a wave of peace come over me and I suddenly had the idea to throw a penny in the water and make a wish.  I hadn’t done anything like this since I was a teenager, so it felt fun and lighthearted.  After finding a penny in my car, I stood there surrounded by nature thinking of all the deepest wishes of my heart. Then, much to my surprise strange words came out of my mouth.

“God, I went wrong somewhere.  Please, make me into the woman YOU want me to be.  I’m done making all the decisions.”

I was stunned that I had just prayed an honest prayer for the first time in close to a decade.  It wasn’t a spell-prayer hybrid, and it wasn’t a positive affirmation-prayer.  It was an honest to goodness actual plea for God to intervene in my wretched life.  I wasn’t asking for physical things or even a soul-mate, I was pleading God with all my heart to change me.  I had finally come to the end of my way of doing things, and I surrendered myself for God to begin a new work in my life.  I had no clue what I was asking for at that time, no clue!  I was completely ignorant as to what I was really asking God to do.

You see, in order for God to make me into the woman that He wanted for me to be…well that would entail burning my old life away, scorching my old self to make room for God to rebuild me from the ashes.  I was about to embark upon the most painful years of my entire life, and looking back I am grateful that I didn’t have a clue.  God was about to make some serious changes in me, and get rid of all the things that were causing spiritual death in my life.